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A Message from Michele
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Re: Don't Look Back 3 [Re: Zues126] #2613035
10/07/15 07:10 AM
10/07/15 07:10 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Sotto  Offline
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Hi Sunny, the job sounds great and I hope it works out for you. Whilst you might prefer not to have to work, it sounds like a worthwhile venture and you have something good to offer them too. Hopefully it will be rewarding for you. I also work for a large charitable trust and it is good to be part of an organisation that 'improves lives.'

As for your STBX, I understand what you're saying. Though it sounds as though your R with him is pretty good all things considered, which is great for your kids. I agree about OW. I find it much easier to practice forgiveness towards H. I have a bit of a block about OW.

In my case, she is rather dysfunctional and this R and her last were both affairs that ended M's with kids. Plus she cheated on the last guy with my H. So, none of that is a person I would want to be. I try and think of her as a little girl who was once sad as there will be some difficult history that led to this I guess.

What about the Duck. Do you sense the same? I agree with you that I would find it much easier to accept a 'new woman' than one who has been central in a big betrayal of me. Who knows, the OW may change for both of us, otherwise we'll need to find a healthy way to live with the existing one. I'm lucky in that H and I have no kids together, and I never have to see her again unless I choose to.

Sounds like you are in a pretty good place anyway Sunny & take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Don't Look Back 3 [Re: WhyUs] #2613076
10/07/15 11:56 AM
10/07/15 11:56 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
S
SunnyB Offline OP
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SunnyB  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
Originally Posted By: WhyUs
Sunny,

I looks like I have found the right thread this time. I accidently posted on Maybell's So...purpose of forensic accountant?:)
Hi Why! The role of a forensic accountant is identification and valuation of assets. It's certainly not necessary in all cases, but they can be useful where one of the partners owns non-marital assets, where the pay structure is unusual (large bonuses, commissions, etc.), to value a business owned by one of both of the spouses, where there are collections (e.g., art), where one spouse has little knowledge of the finances. A financial expert can also assist in structuring the settlement to achieve future goals, education of the children, for example.

In a traditional divorce, each side may have its own financial expert, who then battle it out. In my case, we have one financial expert and we both accept his opinion. He works for both of us, not either of us.

Bottom line is, if you are young, your assets are not complicated, and you both agree on the split, a forensic accountant is probably not necessary.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Don't Look Back 3 [Re: Sotto] #2613079
10/07/15 12:10 PM
10/07/15 12:10 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
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SunnyB Offline OP
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SunnyB  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
Hi RD, Zues, Sotto! Thanks for stopping by!

Originally Posted By: rd500
you don't sound anywhere near as detached as you used to. Has anything happened ? Why the hate for STBX. , I don't think I've heard you talk like that before.
RD, you are correct, I don't usually say things like that, and so I wanted to sleep on it. I don't really hate him, I'm frustrated with him that lately he has not been following the S agreement we both signed 11 months ago. He's been slipping, and I've had to call him out on it. I don't want to be the police and I don't feel like I should have to. I want him to be a big boy and own responsibility for his actions and keep the agreement we made. When I call him out he says he will, but I just shouldn't have to do it. So I say I hate him.


Originally Posted By: Sotto
What about the Duck. Do you sense the same? I agree with you that I would find it much easier to accept a 'new woman' than one who has been central in a big betrayal of me. Who knows, the OW may change for both of us, otherwise we'll need to find a healthy way to live with the existing one.
To this day I have no idea about the duck. I don't know who she is or anything about her. I have never asked. If a black hole swallowed her up tomorrow, I'd never think of her again. In some ways, I feel like she and STBX deserve each other. In some ways, I hope one of them cheats on the other just so they know what it feels like. If I didn't have three kids with this man, I'd toss back a fireball after my court date and leave them to it. BUT......we all know about my three kids, and while I'm happy to co-parent with STBX, I don't want anything to do with the duck, I don't want my kids around her, I don't want her invited to family gatherings, I don't want her in my TX vacation house, I don't want her sitting at my kids sporting events. I have a serious problem with this, and I know it needs to come to some sort of resolution soon. It's something I need to work on.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Don't Look Back 3 [Re: SunnyB] #2613090
10/07/15 12:55 PM
10/07/15 12:55 PM
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 412
Florida
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ep0215 Offline
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Posts: 412
Florida
Sunny - your strength is inspiring. I know what you mean about 'hating him'. I often yell that into my pillow, I don't mean it, it's better than telling him how I really feel. Keep it up!


Me:33 H:36
T:13 years
M:10 years
S4
Separated 05/15
H Filed 06/15
Re: Don't Look Back 3 [Re: ep0215] #2613107
10/07/15 01:44 PM
10/07/15 01:44 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
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claire7 Offline
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claire7  Offline
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SunnyB, I know how you feel. The fact that this younger woman who sent me congratulations after my D was born will now be a part of her life makes me queasy. She will be the one to see my D celebrate holidays with H's nieces and nephews and grandparents. She will probably be the one who gives my D a sibling. She will be a part of my life whether I want her to or not. Blergh. But that is an unavoidable fact I will have to come to terms with.

You are strong. Hang in there.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Re: Don't Look Back 3 [Re: SunnyB] #2613140
10/07/15 03:40 PM
10/07/15 03:40 PM
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Denver
Underdog Offline
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Hi Sunny!

I'm in the camp of seeing you develop passion in the non profit world. Somehow, I think it will bring you unexpected joy and fulfillment. smile

Don't forget the real yucky reason people typically hire forensic accountants: to find hidden assets that some spouses deliberately squire away to remove them from the settlement. I know in the course of my time here, I've recommended going that route to a few posters who think I'm being over the top. Then they find out later on that the ex did just that and they're furious. I think most of our spouses (or former spouses) aren't that devious, but some certainly are.

Interesting that RD addressed detachment with you. You know that you can get most of what you want (things in writing, stability, specifics) out of the process without any added emotion, right? Those holidays were something the court required us to hash out at the beginning. I actually looked at the damn decree a few weeks ago (I was purging files) and laughed. We do almost none of it now. But in all fairness, in the beginning of the process, it was very comforting to know that we had that document to guide us if we ever ran into road blocks.

Re mothers day. Ours is written so that I have them on MD and he has them on FD. At some point, we both wanted to celebrate by doing things we wanted to do - sans kids. It changes with the year. So we now agree to agree on what the honored parent wants to do. Now it only applies to my youngest, but we've learned to make our split work for us. I think you and your H have the skill sets to do it too.

Just know that once you get this behind you, you can always tweak things if he's not the kind of person to take you to task for wanting to change things up. Picture harmony and you will get it.

What would you guys think if you let your youngest tell you what she wants and see if you can both make it work? She's old enough and you both seem like you get along and respect each other and the process. Plus we both know what your D will really want. So why be the bad guy?

Hugs to you-
Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: Don't Look Back 3 [Re: Underdog] #2613381
10/08/15 07:24 AM
10/08/15 07:24 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
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Ggrass Offline
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Pretty sure hate and phases there of are pretty normal.

We all do the revenge Type fantasy, and the what if of it.
I acted out a bit... But I stopped very quickly when I realised it was just making me silly and used up emtionally. Giving someone power over me that didn't deserve it.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Re: Don't Look Back 3 [Re: Ggrass] #2613678
10/08/15 11:26 PM
10/08/15 11:26 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
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Vanilla Offline
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Vanilla  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
Think of the duck roasted with plum sauce.

Hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: Don't Look Back 3 [Re: Vanilla] #2613681
10/08/15 11:32 PM
10/08/15 11:32 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
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claire7 Offline
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claire7  Offline
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Hijacking for a moment, please excuse this interruption...

Just wanted to say, Betsey, that you are such an inspiration. I know someday I will be as OK with my stbx and my sitch as you are with yours... I often have your 'voice' on my shoulder as i think of how to respond to stbx. And I think I know how you'd respond to the question I just posted on my thread in the Surviving forum... The high road feels so hard to take sometimes!


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Re: Don't Look Back 3 [Re: claire7] #2613748
10/09/15 05:35 AM
10/09/15 05:35 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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jim0987 Offline
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jim0987  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Hi Sunny.

I get a lot of what you mean and no matter how I rationalise it, its still unpleasant to see my son giving OM a hug or hear my kids talk about the stuff they do (I simply can't compete financially with all XW and OM do with the kids).

But equally I know I have to get over it because the only person suffering from my dislike of it is me and there is jack all I can do to change the reality. I can only change my reaction.

I take some comfort in the fact that my XW is being pretty reasonable about things, if somewhat inconsiderate. But I did make sure the childcare agreement assumed she wouldn't be so that if we have to default to that I'm protected for things like father's day and birthday.

It's a shame you have to tell him things repeatedly but in the end incompetence is a far better explanation than deliberately problematic.

Hope you have a good weekend


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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