Thanks for all the support gang! I really appreciate the solidarity around here.
Just wanted to drop by to let everybody know that the date has finally been set for the final hearing for the D.
On a related note, XW asked me if I wanted to have drinks last Saturday. I told her that I already had plans. The beat goes on...
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Good to hear your doing so well D. I'm about 3 steps behind you my friend.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
At 8:45am this morning, my XW attended the final hearing for the dissolution of our 7 marriage. And I have no reason to believe that she did not sign the paperwork.
While this past year has been devastating on all accounts, I have taken the opportunity to reevaluate my life, my flaws, and my future to make the changes I wanted to make. I have forgiven my XW for her transgressions (and I have forgiven myself for my many mistakes) for no other reason than it's what's required to move on to my next chapter.
On a personal level, I decided to begin dating about a month ago. After a couple of dates with different women, I met a woman who genuinely excites me. We have been exclusive for a few weeks now and I already have been applying the things I learned to this new relationship.
I want to thank everyone who helped guide me to this point. I know the journey isn't over but I couldn't have made it this far without all the vets and well wishers. I'll see ya around...
"I'm a street walkin' cheetah with a heart full of napalm." - Iggy Pop
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Happy New Year everyone! It's been a spell but I just want to check in.
It's been over a month since D finalized. It's been a few months since I started dating. Even though it's extremely early, I'm very excited about my current relationship but I know this isn't a dating forum. Things are just going really well with me right now. I actually had a personal revelation on the way to work the other day when out of the blue I told myself how happy I was.
My interactions with XW are probably the least stressful for me since pre-BD. I just don't feel like I need to protect myself emotionally with XW anymore. She knows I'm dating and actually said that she was really happy for me.
But, from time to time XW will say that she misses me. She even called the other day to tell me that she started thinking about our honeymoon and got sad. I know this is normal for folks when they're dealing with a loss. I think I allowed myself adequate time to grieve the loss of my MR but it does still effect me a little when she says things like this. I would describe the feeling like the way you miss the familiarity of an old friend.
Does anyone have a good example for a response to my XW when she says these things for a fellow at this stage of the journey?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I advise anyone and everyone in your situation to take at least 1 year off from any and all communications with their ex wayward spouse.
It's the most healthy thing to do.
I mean look at this situation where your ex-wife is pouring out fake feelings toward you and giving you crocodile tears. It's just so inappropriate and hurtful.
The longer you stay attached to her the longer you will stay attached to her. It'll make any and all your future relationships all that more difficult.
IF she really wanted to reconcile she'd know the requirements (I presume you told her long ago) so until then - don't allow her to speak to you really at all. If she has to say something about the kids text you. If she abuses text - go to email and have someone neutral screen your emails to take out personal statements.
YOU MATTER - protect your own recovery and emotional health.
How about you respond saying 'Your feelings are really none of my business".
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
GB, It's great to hear from you old friend. I thank you for all of your sage advice this past year. I would never have been able to arrive to this point without your help. Let me know when you are in town so we can grab a beer.
And, you are 100% correct. I do matter. My kids matter. And I have finally begun to truly live out this realization. I feel great and I am excited about my future. I find myself looking at my kids and just smiling all the time.
I wish it were feasible to just restrict contact with my XW to text or email. However, with two young children and a constantly evolving custody schedule due to work, we sometimes need to talk on the phone to sort through the day to day items (kids stuff mainly). I don't mind it though because my XW really has no impact on my wellbeing anymore. But I'd like to remain tactful. It just felt a bit awkward to reply to XW saying she missed me with an "Okay, well have a good night." I don't really have a reason to be adversarial to her now as we are both free to go on about our lives.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Hey D, good to hear from you man. You sound like you're in a good place. I look at you as a place where I want to be. And I'm getting there. It's working.
Well done that man.
As for the EXW's comments. I'm not really sure what you can do there. GB gives good advice but I also get that you need to speak to her. I'm fortunate that I very rarely need to speak to mine directly and all communications are electronic. I don't get the 'I miss you' type convo's but she is trying to friend zone me. I tip toe around it. I'm thinking of becoming a politician;-)
Good to hear from you again.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Hi Defacto, others have given you good advice already, but perhaps when she says stuff like this - you could just reply, Ahh, thanks. (Pause.) Well, you take care & I'll see you Tuesday.
Truly, I agree with GB, if your W wanted something to change, she could say so. I'm guessing from all that has happened in your sitch (like many of ours...mine included) it would take a great deal more than this for you to break your stride. So, until or unless, I think it's appropriate, pleasant and generally empathetic murmurings like above - then off you go.
Take care Defacto & glad to hear the 'street walkin' cheetah' still has napalm in his pocket!! Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
