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Re: Jim0987 #15 - Further on up the road [Re: Sotto] #2611537
10/01/15 06:20 PM
10/01/15 06:20 PM
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rd500 Offline
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Hi Jiim. Just saw your post re what friend said about you and W reconciling and if not then it's fate. I completely agree Your not the person W thinks you are and she will see that one day If she sees it too late then her loss mate


As usual I agree 100% with Sotto. Who doesn't ? I don't want to give OM headspace BUT he's not your kids dad. He can try all he wants and maybe he will do a half decent job by them ( and I hope he does ) but the pressure on him in an R that started this way will only make their day to day life harder and harder

Keep on becoming the best you can be and life will be very good to you

Take care mate and thanks for the update. Rd

Re: Jim0987 #15 - Further on up the road [Re: rd500] #2613749
10/09/15 05:57 AM
10/09/15 05:57 AM
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jim0987 Offline OP
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Morning all

Thought I'd post an update.

Got V2 of the divorce papers, XW has made some minor amends but left stuff in that's simply not true. And for those who read my early posts you know how ready I am to blame myself.

I sent her a long text after I got the revised papers. There was an issue in that I accidentally pressed send half way through so there is a bit that makes no sense. The general summary of what I said is:
- thanks for the changes
- I'm disappointed about what she said
- I know she believes it but I believe some if it is entirely false
- I also no it doesn't matter because the truth is she stopped loving me years ago
- her affair was one if the worst things I've experienced but it taught me a lot
- I know that's not why she left
- I only ever wanted her to be happy and if OM1 provides that for her then I wish her well
- that we will never be friends but we need to get on to protect the kids from the bitterness that divorce brings and that more understanding will probably help.
- its clear that she never understood me
- I'd like to get to the point were our first interpretation of the other person is positive
- I know its a while down the road but once the divorce is finalised hopefully it will get easier between us
- and that regardless of what I believe us true, I know she felt hurt by me and I'm sorry for that.

I absolutely don't expect a response (except maybe her to pass it to her solicitor) but I wanted to say some of that for me.

It does still stun me how different our versions of the same events were, but we are where we are.

Anyway, aside from that things are pretty good. Very busy, mainly work though, but some good socially bits.

Definitely missing being in a relationship these days but there isn't much opportunity to do anything about that - I'm certainly no RD!

Thanks for reading and have a good day smile


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: Jim0987 #15 - Further on up the road [Re: jim0987] #2613758
10/09/15 06:47 AM
10/09/15 06:47 AM
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Sotto Offline
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Hi Jim, good to see an update from you. I almost posted to you last night saying....hows about an update?? So will V2 be the final version of the papers then? From your text, I'm not sure I understand, are you looking for further revision of the content?

I wonder whether the long texts to your W are productive? I would be tempted to go dark, other than the kids and leave the rest to your L. Probably given her state of mind right now (loved up w OM) her ears to that kind of stuff are closed. I still think you have a tendency to carry on wanting to make your point with her. Even though it's unlikely to be productive, may do some harm and when it might be better to just drop it. I don't mean to sound harsh and I'm full of admiration and respect generally for you - but I do think this is an area to perhaps think about...

Glad to hear you've been busy with things and had some enjoyable social events...Hope you have some nice social stuff coming up. Any new GAL plans on the horizon?? I imagine OM never accepted that offer of a drink (not that this would count as GAL..)

Now then, you have made a couple of self deprecating comments that you are not like RD. It is true that RD is one of a minority of lucky people blessed with a certain cheeky charm. However, you have a different charm all of your own and are also worthy of love. Let Jim's own brand of cheeky charm bubble to the surface. Be a free child sometimes and giggle, let your guard down and get to know new people.

Did you ever think about whether a DRW might be a good option for you??

TAke care my friend & keep posting xx

Last edited by Sotto; 10/09/15 06:48 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Jim0987 #15 - Further on up the road [Re: Sotto] #2613777
10/09/15 09:55 AM
10/09/15 09:55 AM
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rd500 Offline
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Hi Jim. Agree with Sotto 100%. The text was for you and I get that BUT if there's a next time , send it to yourself. W has her version and regardless of accuracy , she believes it so no amount of reasoned argurment will change that at the moment

My cheeky charm seems to have been blown out of proportion and it's my fault.
I do chat to almost anyone and strike up conversations where others may not. I often wonder if I annoy more than I realise , who knows maybe I catch people off guard and there are chatting before their normal reserve has cut in

Jim , you come across as a really decent guy on here and I'm sure that's an accurate discription in real life too. If your missing company then take steps to remedy that Dating sites , meet up groups , etc. maybe it's tod in the water time and see how you feel. Sotto is planning a big romance with handsome Dan (. !!!!!!!!). So why not you

Just my pennies worth mate. Hope kids are good

Take care. Rd

Re: Jim0987 #15 - Further on up the road [Re: rd500] #2613783
10/09/15 10:54 AM
10/09/15 10:54 AM
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Ggrass Offline
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Jim Maaaaaaate!

Sounds like things are sort of progressing but not as you had hoped, but it sounds like I your doing better I'm pleased.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Re: Jim0987 #15 - Further on up the road [Re: Ggrass] #2614325
10/11/15 08:51 AM
10/11/15 08:51 AM
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Sotto Offline
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Hi Jim, I'm just stopping by to say Hello. I hope you're having a good weekend. Do you have the kids with you this weekend?? It's a nice sunny morning here.

Just checking in anyway to see how you are doing.

Take care my local DB friend xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Jim0987 #15 - Further on up the road [Re: Sotto] #2614640
10/12/15 11:56 AM
10/12/15 11:56 AM
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jim0987 Offline OP
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jim0987  Offline OP
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Hi Sotto. Thanks for checking in.

No kids this weekend and because XW and OM1 have a long weekend away planned next weekend I've end up with another stint of not seeing the kids for over a week. So very much looking forward to it.

Managed to speak to them briefly last night but my little girl got upset that she missed me so XW ended the call to stop D getting more upset.

Having said that I've been very busy with a mix of work, leisure and social GAL. Including a nice bike ride in the sunshine. So apart from the RWC its been pretty good.

Back to previous topics. Yes the V2 of the paperwork is final but I still get to do my own submission which will sit along side. Right now I wanted it done and over with, with minimal legal bills.

The text was for me not her, I think I even said that I don't expect anything I say to make the slightest difference. I do understand the keep quiet front and I know I shouldn't have sent it (to be honest had I not accidentally pressed send half way through I probably wouldn't have - there's a valuable lesson in that). At the same time its things I wanted to say for me.

Whilst I'm accepting of my situation and can even see how I'm better off in a lot of ways, I struggle with a sense of injustice which I know I need to move beyond. She has got everything her way and yet still won't accept any responsibility or even recognise the hurt she caused me and the kids (or even admit that she has done anything less than perfect). Not in front of me anyway.

I think the other part is that I did more than enough wrong in the relationship to cite in the divorce paperwork (given how low the bar is) without her needing to make stuff up, some of which is just offensive to me - and I mean properly offensive to me and the kind of person I think I am. I can be pretty negative about myself at times (which are getting far fewer by the way) so that in itself says something.

So its a sense of injustice about it all that hinders that last bit of detachment.

But despite it all I'm doing good


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Re: Jim0987 #15 - Further on up the road [Re: jim0987] #2614650
10/12/15 12:40 PM
10/12/15 12:40 PM
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SunnyB Offline
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Originally Posted By: jim0987

Whilst I'm accepting of my situation and can even see how I'm better off in a lot of ways, I struggle with a sense of injustice which I know I need to move beyond. She has got everything her way and yet still won't accept any responsibility or even recognise the hurt she caused me and the kids (or even admit that she has done anything less than perfect). Not in front of me anyway.
Jim, a lot of us struggle with this. My STBX says he's sorry I got hurt without taking any responsibility whatsoever for his actions that caused the hurt. It's like saying sorry my leg's broken without mentioning you were the one who ran me over with a truck. But I choose to believe it's the best he can offer up right now. It's possible that your W does feel some regret, and just can't say so.

Originally Posted By: jim0987
I think the other part is that I did more than enough wrong in the relationship to cite in the divorce paperwork (given how low the bar is) without her needing to make stuff up, some of which is just offensive to me - and I mean properly offensive to me and the kind of person I think I am. I can be pretty negative about myself at times (which are getting far fewer by the way) so that in itself says something.
She's doing this to make herself feel better, to try and make herself look better to others. It doesn't matter. Just recognize it for what it is.

I try to view my STBX as doing the best he can with the tools and resources at his disposal right now. He's uncomfortable expressing his emotions, never could stand it when I tried to do it, his communication tools are limited. When I view him that way, it makes it easier for me. What do you think about viewing your W that way, Jim? Would that help you?



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Jim0987 #15 - Further on up the road [Re: SunnyB] #2614836
10/12/15 07:12 PM
10/12/15 07:12 PM
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rd500 Offline
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Hi Jim. Agree with Sunny a do completely understand how you feel the way you do. For me it shows you love her. If you didn't life would be much easier but it is what it is

Your W has to justify what she's done or else how could she live with herself.

Stay strong mate. Rd

Re: Jim0987 #15 - Further on up the road [Re: rd500] #2614875
10/12/15 08:43 PM
10/12/15 08:43 PM
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Sotto Offline
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Yes, I understand the injustice too Jim. But here's the thing. I truly do not believe there is an escape from things ultimately catching up with you. Sometimes the Karma bus takes a while to arrive. A good while. But arrive it does.

My take on your sitch is that OM is probably working his socks off to be a good partner just now. But I don't think decent guys come into a marriage in the way that OM's do, so my guess is that the parts of himself he is currently hiding will come out at some point and then what happens is anyone's game.

I don't write any of this with glee because your kids are at the heart of all of this. But I do believe this is what is likely to happen. Maybe not this month or next - but at some point down the line, likely yes.

You're doing well Jim....take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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