W confessed that she has a pa with om. Ihave so much anger and resentment I dont know if I can take her back now. I have worked so hard dbing over the last 6 months, to get to this point but now I feel so much pain that I just dont know what to do. W did break it off. She moved with me to Georgia, she says that she hasnt had any contact with him since she told him that she was going to save her marriage. She is committed to save us now. But How do I get past the infidelity. I am really struggling with that now. I just cant get past the fact that she gave herself to another man, while still sleeping next to me at night. I need help yall. I dont know if I want to be married to this woman anymore. I dont know if I can get past this. I told her I forgive her but I dont really know if I can.
When I tried to talk to her about my pain all I got back was that I hurt her in the past. Almost like she was getting even with me. Am I perceiving that wrong.
I need help to save my marriage again.. I am tired and I feel like that she really needs to prove to me that she wants to save our marriage before I can even start to try to save it.
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
I would suggest rereading the infidelity parts DR & DB one more time. I'd then take a long hard look at myself in the mirror and ask myself what role did I play if any, in the A happening in the first place? Then I'd say to myself that If my W loves me enough to have to deal with what she's done perhaps for the rest of her life, and still want the M to work, why can't I find it in my heart to forgive her.
Because in the end, that has to happen for both of you to move on together. If you can't forgive her, then consider saying goodbye, and see how that possibility sets with your heart.
The fact that W broke off the PA and moved with you to Georgia is a very good one but there's a heck of a lot of work ahead for the both of you. And it will be a very slow process, Kevin - with (unfortunately) plenty of chances for pitfalls and stumbles.
I think that finding a SBT person in your area should be a very high priority for joint C. But you have us on the BB to turn to as well, Kevin. Vent all that you need to here.
Quote: When I tried to talk to her about my pain all I got back was that I hurt her in the past. Almost like she was getting even with me. Am I perceiving that wrong.
Sounds like W is looking for a way to justify her actions. However you may feel about "hurting her in the past", she has that perception. They're neither right nor wrong - but they are hers. Has she tried to explain how you have hurt her? Does she view things differently now that all of you have moved to Georgia?
I think that we'll get all of the regulars to chime in as well...
Hi Kevin -- I'm sorry that you found out that your w. had a pa. I think I saw from another post of yours that you had suspected this.
Even though you did have suspicions, I know from my own experience that there's nothing to prepare you for the heart stopping, heart breaking confirmation. Let me say this -- and it's not intended to be trite or dismissing -- it WILL get better. Time truly does help heal this wound. It won't be "linear" -- you won't just keep feeling better and better -- there will be stops and starts -- but eventually, I think you'll find some relief from your anger, resentment, etc.
Quoting kevinlost: I have worked so hard dbing over the last 6 months, to get to this point but now I feel so much pain that I just dont know what to do.
I firmly believe that your DB'ing got you to the point where your w. could confess to you. This is huge.
Quote: W did break it off. She moved with me to Georgia, she says that she hasnt had any contact with him since she told him that she was going to save her marriage. She is committed to save us now. <snip>
I need help to save my marriage again.. I am tired and I feel like that she really needs to prove to me that she wants to save our marriage before I can even start to try to save it.
I know this may be hard to see in your pain but your w's confession, her breaking off with om on her own, her stated recommitment to your m. is huge. I know that you are feeling unbelievable pain right now but please, do not underestimate the power of what your w. has recently done -- her actions speak VOLUMES. She has shown you that she wants to work on your m., Kevin. This a bold and wonderful step. Use it to move forward. (not to have a pity party but you can poke around in "piecing" and see that what your w. has done is not "the majority" around here. Perhaps that comforts you a bit?)
As for forgiveness, well, Michele has a great article posted on forgiveness. You can also go to www.marriagebuilders.com for some good info on infidelity. the book "After the Affair" is also good and can help you get a handle (both of you) on what the other is feeling. I've also found that listening to audiotapes by Jack Kornfield and Pema Chodron on Buddhism REALLY helped me develop some compassion and a sense of forgiveness.
I know it likely doesn't feel this way, Kevin, but you guys are REALLY starting off on the right foot.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks for the quick replies. I do see her moving and ending the relationship og as positive steps to saving our M. I just dont know if I can get beyong these feeling I have. She has broken my heart with her actions so much over the last year. I feel like I am just dead inside. I have no love left to give.
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
Quoting kevinlost: Thanks for the quick replies. I do see her moving and ending the relationship og as positive steps to saving our M. I just dont know if I can get beyong these feeling I have. She has broken my heart with her actions so much over the last year. I feel like I am just dead inside. I have no love left to give.
So maybe it's too soon to give? Take a Kevin break. Console yourself. Do things that make you feel good about you. Go away for a few days if you can. My 2 cents is that you should let your w. know that you need some healing time. IMHO, it's important that you don't penalize her for her disclosure -- you'll want to keep the honest lines of communication open -- you're gonna need it. That doesn't mean that you can't take a few steps back and work on healing yourself right now.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Kevin, You don't need to DO anything right now to work on M. You're hurtin' ... injured ... you have to give the wound some time to heal. It will heal. There may be a scar that remains, but the pain of the open wound will be gone. Give your M some much needed "bed rest" for now until the wound can scab over.
You are goin' to feel the whole gauntlet of emotions including anger, resentment, sadness, etc... Its part of being human. Let yourself work thru these emotions, but don't act upon them. Don't take them out on your W. Come here and vent and for support. Find other means to release those feelings ... go to a gym ... go for some long walks, whatever works ...
Sorry you are going through this devastating pain. I have a small suggestion, which might sound odd...
Maybe it would help a little to "own" part of the affair yourself. Yes, her actions are wholly her responsibility. But, you are responsible for 50% of the problems that led to her contemplating those actions. I'm not saying that this justifies her actions. But, perhaps thinking of it this way might make you feel less of a victim.
As to your wife bringing up old pain you caused her, perhaps she never felt heard about it. I'm sure you can empathsize with the pain and frustration of not having your pain heard. Maybe you could ask her for a conversation in which you both just talk about you pain, past and present, without placing blame, just seeking understanding.
I think the idea of taking a break is a good idea. You are, understandably, in a very traumatized place right now. Take care of yourself and give it some time before you make decisions.
Believe me I do take my responsibility for my actions to the demise of my marriage. Its just hard to get past her giving her heart, her mind, her soul, and her body to another. Saying it was a mistake and knowingly doing it again.
I understand that she had a lot of fear that I wouldnt take her back when the truth came out, fueling our problems. She told herself that she didnt love so much that she actually believed it after a while. It was eaisier to say she didnt love me and to push me away then to address what she did. And honestly if it wasnt for the time I have had to DB I dont think I could have taken her back, when she cheated on me. The affair was about 4 months ago. It never happened again, but it didnt stop her from dating other men. Searching for a reason not to come back to me. I do love her.... Its just hard to look at her right now. I am so discusted with her actions. The alien really took control of her. She is really trying to prove to me that she will never stray again. She deleted all her contacts in her messengers. Then set it to auto log on so that I have the ability to check up on her and her emails. I do see her trying, its just maybe I need to take a break and let her save our marriage for a while.
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
It's easy when we hurt to quickly turn our attention to the party that offended us and say, "Don't you know how much you me?" Believe me, they know. What's hard for us is to realize how much pain, guilt, and searching for answers they're also going through.
I admire your perservance, and truly, your wife is indicating she wants to have a relationship with you. Her actions do speak VOLUMES. Build on that.
So often, we forget that forgiveness is a great part of love. It's even harder to say, "Forgive them for they know not what they do," though they do know. Inside, they do know. Because even though they can say, "you drove me to this, it is really, their choice, and their action."
Anyway, Kevin, take some time to heal yourself. To work through the anger and pain you feel. And, take some time to recognize your wife, too, feels a great pain. And remember, she feels a desire to be with you. Build on that.
Speak softly to her, extend her grace, and by your actions and words, extend to her the gift of love.
Like others, I wish you all the best. It's hard to know someone who said they would be faithful to us, would give themselves away, heart, soul, and mind. It does anger us. I know. Even though I've forgiven my wife, for several affairs, of which amazed her, I still hurt and get angered over it. We can forgive. It is hard, though, to forget.
Remember, you're the key to unlock her love for her, and develop a really dynamic, loving relationship. But do, Kevin, take time to grieve and heal your pain, as well as understand hers, and do what you can to build her up. Do Right
