I've been away from my house for 2 1/2 weeks waiting for H to move out. Yesterday he move his furniture into his new apartment and I'm going back home this evening. I'm very nervous. He is really gone now. He's already told me he didn't have time to take everything (which is baloney) so I don't know what I'll find. I've gone dark so I haven't asked him what he took and what he left. I've only given short replies to his texts.
I'm changing the locks on Saturday so he can't just pop in. Normally he wouldn't do that but I don't know this man anymore.
So when he finally does want to come and get the rest of his stuff should I be there so he can see that I'm losing weight, looking better and GAL? Or should I try not to be there?
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Without knowing your whole sitch Becky - If you are confident that you can pull off the light and breezy performance then Yeah - go for it. If you have any doubts, or worry that it might end up in fighting, R talk, then silence/absence is the better option. Even throw in a good reason for not being there.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Hi Becky, I would see how that one unfolds perhaps. If he suggests coming over at a time you could naturally be around, then by all means - as long as you can 'pull it off' as Py suggests.
Also, haven't read your whole sitch, but it depends on whether you are happy with him being in your house alone to take stuff. If you aren't and don't want to be around, perhaps a good friend could help?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm changing the locks on Saturday so he can't just pop in. Normally he wouldn't do that but I don't know this man anymore.
Be careful with this. My lawyer told me that I am certainly free to change the locks. But as long as my W's name is on the deed, she could theoretically break a window, come in, and have them changed on me, and theres nothing I could do about it.
Not saying you should or shouldnt change them. Just saying that you may not be able to actually keep him out if he fights it.
Becky, I have several thoughts on your h coming to get his "stuff".
1. If you think you can hold it together, then be there, but stay in another part of the house. Leave him to removing his stuff.
2. If you do plan to be there and don't feel comfortable facing him alone, then have a friend come over and keep you company.
3. If you would prefer to not be there, make sure you have put all of your papers and things of value in a safe place, just in case he decides to nose around while unsupervised. (Don't ever assume that he will just come and get his stuff...they tend to take things that you may not notice right away.)
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We never fight. H is very detached so no chance of R talk. Then it will depend on how emotional I am feeling.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
I don't have a court order but he would be very unlikely to break anything. I don't want him to feel threatened but I want peace of mind. He said he would leave his keys and garage door opener. If he's honest about leaving all his keys he'll never know I changed the locks.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Given your state right now, I'd pre-empt him coming over by saying that you feel you need some time & space to get used to being in the house by yourself. While he may have things in there, ask if he can wait to get those for a week or two while you adjust. That gives you some time to work through the nervous phase & see how you feel.
You also might want to move all his stuff into a spare room or the garage, so that they are not something you are running into to remind you all the time. Hiring a couple teens if there are bigger things or lots. May give you some piece of mind.
Other than that & Py's advice, I'd think about early on having things to do with friends & family (either out of the house or over there). It will likely help the adjustment.
Good luck.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
He hasn't even asked to,come over yet. It will have to wait a while. I do also plan to relocate anything not already in the basement.
My sister is coming to stay with me for a few days and I'm going on a business trip next week.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
becky, I don't think he will break anything if he comes into the home, but he very well may take some things that you won't notice are going right away.
I do agree that you should probably move all of his stuff to the garage and that way, you aren't looking at the stuff all of the time. If you can bag it up, use the black plastic luggage to do so (trash bags). Then if he says later he still has stuff there, ask for an itemized list of what he think he wants and have it ready.
I think you are very wise to have someone there while you are away from home.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
