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Ghost,
Here's the detachment thread. Please read it over and over again.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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ATPeace Offline OP
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Job thank you so much for posting on my thread it means a lot


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
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Yes, it's an acceptance that you will come out of the other side OK. R etc. is something you can work on later, now it's about you.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Jan 2000
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job Offline
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Ghost,
Detachment doesn't come easily and it won't happen w/a snap of the fingers. It's something that you have to work on and then one day...it's natural and you come to realize that you are not reacting to what is being said or done by your spouse as much as you did at first.

Don't beat yourself up if you have slip ups. It happens. Just get up, dust yourself off and continue working on you and moving forward. We all have been where you are and it takes time to learn how to do the things that we advise you to do.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Of course her friends will be biased....They're her friends.....i had exactly the same...


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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ATPeace Offline OP
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So this morning I have a feeling of there is noting I can do to change my current situation

When I say this i know I can better myself and start to try to move forward but I do not want to move forward but I have to [censored] [censored] [censored]

But my W just seems to be distancing herself from me further and further I want to be able to slow this down or stop it but I cannot I am feeling so [censored] lost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
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You are doing something about your situation. We all feel we are not doing enough but essentially that boils down to us facing something we cannot control.

Listen to the advice. Do the work and time will tell. Best of luck.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Hang in there buddy.

Everything you are feeling is so very normal. There is nothing wrong with you.

Moving forward is so very different from moving on. Moving on would mean that you have given up hope and decided to forgo your marriage and seek comfort elsewhere. Bad move. Moving forward means that you have come to the realization that you can not do anything about your relationship with your W right now and that it is time to walk forward and grow for yourself. As long as there is love in your heart, there is hope.

Try not to look at your W's actions, it is her business and not yours. There is nothing you can do for her but respect her right to chose her path, her way. Again, read Sandi's 37 rules and reread them daily if not more often until they sink in. Pure gold, I tell you, each and every rule. Do not snoop after her (hard as hell, I know), do not interrogate her her, make her think you had an awakening. And a very important point. Have NO expectations. Do not expect a reaction from your W for anything "nice" you try to do for her.

Why would you not want to move forward? I would imagine because you are a creature of habit and moving out of your comfort zone makes you nervous. Don't be. You will soon find out that there is a wonderful wide world of possibilities out there that you never knew existed. Embrace it, go out of your comfort zone, the benefits are multiple.

You have to start to love yourself. If you do not love yourself, how can anyone else love you?

And to return to your first point. Yes, there is not a damn thing you can do about your situation, but there is a whole lot you can do for yourself and that is the right way, the only way. Go out, go to your happy place, go hiking, go to your friends.

GO! DO! BE!

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It's OK to feel like this. Hey, I'm five months in and still get days when I just wish my W would pull back, but she seems further away. It's all about preparing yourself and being ready, either way.

You can't control your W. You have to let her go off, do what she's doing and not get over anxious about it. My biggest mistake was seeing anger in my W, whilst following the rules, and interpreting that as failiure. What a dummy! When they start getting angry, they are actually starting to get mixed up because they aren't controlling the situation any more. Keep going.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,453
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ATPeace Offline OP
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Thank you ....i cannot remember ever not having control and feeling absolutely hopeless that I cannot change her feeling

Time will help


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
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