Need a fresh start...but he's still here

[mahhhty]

It's been a very long time!!!! Glad to here. Keep on keeping on

[lost18]

Probably need a new thread, but now that I am off for the summer I definitely need to come back here and refocus.

Still married but there is no real connection. I was working full time which really stressed me out and I never really found a balance. I'm too much in my head and way too much in his. Time to start from the beginning again and work on me.

[lost18]

I haven't been on here in so long I'm not even sure where to start.

H's back is still causing him lots of pain & there is no settlement yet. Attorney said insurance company doesn't want to settle which causes lots of other issues.

H also had a heart attack in March. Lucky he realized in time and we made it to the ER or I could have been a widow.

I have really been struggling the past few months with our M. I want to stay married but want a good marriage. I feel we are so disconnected and just don't know how to reconnect. Not just emotionally, physically too. We have not had sex in months (talked about it right before his heart attack) but even when we were having sex that was the only time he touched me. Now, he doesn't touch me at all. I sometimes feel like he is punishing me. Not just with the lack of touch but also with the lack of doing things around the house and lack of doing things at all. Maybe because of some comments he has made about "what he used to do," and maybe because I read way too much into things.

Realizing I can't stay in a marriage like this forever AND I'm not happy with myself I have again started to focus a little more on me...baby steps. It's so easy to get back into old habits.

[roist]

I think that it is good to realise that you are not willing to accept having such a non fullfiling marriage FOREVER. That is good and you should not see this as being ok for the rest of your life.

You do not need to decide TODAY when you have had enough. For today set yourself some small goals FOR YOU.

Best wishes

[lost18]

Thanks Roist, I've been saying that for quite some time. Not sure when I will have had enough but again, I know I can't go on like this forever. Sigh

What I have been doing is rereading some emails I had sent to myself with advice from DB that I found helpful. I have been offtrack for too long. I also just read "Sandi's Rules" again and cringed a little. I guess I just feel like we should be way beyond where we are. Unfortunately I don't get to decide the timeframe.

This week I have been exercising more, eating better and reading. It's nice to not be working and to have that stress lifted for the moment, of course an added stress is trying to find a permanent job for next school year.

My mantra for the next week or two is "refocus, refocus, refocus!"

[RAI]

Hi Losty,

Wow! looks like we both reconnected with DB within days of each other. Pretty weird.

I don't know what the right thing to do is, but one DB way to reconnect with a spouse is by doing things together that you used to enjoy. What did you used to do together when you were first dating or newlyweds?

Are you sending signals to your H that you are needy? Are your actions betraying you? If you are playing the pursuer, your H won't.

Just some thoughts.

RAI

[lost18]

Thanks RAI for stopping by. I just replied and for some reason it didn't post (couldn't possibly be anything I did!) Have to get going now so I guess I'll have to reply later.

[lost18]

Are you sending signals to your H that you are needy? Are your actions betraying you? If you are playing the pursuer, your H won't.

You got me thinking RAI-I think my actions have been very inconsistent! Mostly because I am so frustrated at times. It has been almost a year since he has, not really sure what he has done, stopped thinking divorce, come back to the marriage, resigned to being together. Honestly I'm not sure what he is thinking.

We have not talked about anything at all. The closest we've come is the night we went out for dinner and drinks, we were having a good time, I had a few too many margaritas and had a new one in front of me and he suddenly says "let's go!" And was adamant that we needed to leave right then, I of course was against it and said I just got a new drink etc. etc. He's looking around the room saying "we need to go now!" So I got pissy and said "why? did you F somebody in here?!?" He just looked at me like I can't believe you just said that. That my friends is why you should limit your alcohol consumption! LOL Of course, you would think that might prompt a conversation but not with my H because he wants to totally avoid a conversation at all. GRRRR! BTW, turns out something he ate made him sick, he could've just communicated that and made life in that moment much easier.

Lack of communication has been huge lately. Another example, I had texted him one Friday from work that I wanted to go out for drinks when I got home (it had been a rough week). When I got home he is still in his grungy clothes, so I said you don't look ready to go out to which he replies something along the lines of "not feeling like it." Of course I was not happy but I tried to let it go, texted a couple of my friends to see if they were available but ended up taking D14 to dinner. Didn't really say anything to him about it but I'm sure, if he was paying attention, he could tell by my attitude that I wasn't happy. The next day we were talking and he tells me that he's been trying to figure out his new medication (from the heart attack incident) and he has been feeling like crap. Once again if he would've just communicated with me.....

I guess the point is that not everything that is going on has to do with me so I really need to take a step back and not take everything so personally. Certain things, like him not wishing me a Happy Mother's Day....that I took personally. And, that morning he told me that his buddy posted a picture of what he got his wife for mother's day (something we had talked about getting). I asked if they even had kids together and he said I don't think so. Never said a word to me...we did get in a fight that night and when I said "you never even wished me a happy mother's day" he replied "yea." I'm still very upset by that, I feel like he did it on purpose.

So here we are, lots of stuff going on in life his back, his job, his heart...and I'm sitting in a very unfulfilling marriage, still seeing potential that I'm not sure is there because I'm not sure if he is willing to see it. With that being said I have really been refocusing on me, remembering when I was happiest and most fulfilled with my life (even if not in my marriage) and that was when I was working out, running and competing in races...basically being active with other active people. The past couple of weeks I have been making a point to get out and walk/run (by myself mostly)to get me back started toward being fit. I still have a long ways to go and much more to do but it's a start!

[roist]

Imagine you know for a fact that H will snap out of his fog but that will take five years. At which time you will have the happy fulfilling R that we all dream of. What are you going to do during that time.

Many will advise that regardless if H leaves or not the work/actions you need to be doing are the same. You need to really embrace that. I understand that having H there can have it's disadvantages but it is also a chance that many here don't have. Appreciate that.

I often drop by your thread but admit I have not read everything.I will take the time soon to do so as I can relate strongly to your situation.I would like to share some thoughts and insights if I can.

I think that it is positive that H comes back to you with an excuse/reason for his behaviour.IIt shows he knows his behaviour was not right/respectful of you and it cared enough to mention it. I would not read too much into his reasons..... remember believe nothing. Poor communication succks.You cannot resolve that alone but have you looked into how you respond to him?

I got to go but I'll be back. Until then best wishes

[lost18]

I agree that I need to work on me and have been focusing on that! Quite honestly, this is who my H is for the most part.

I am concerned about the lack of sex and I'm not sure how to handle it. It was a big issue prior to BD as he was HD and I was LD. My lack of interest in sex (rarely initiated) made him feel unwanted/unloved. Now I'm in a situation where I don't want to be the pursuer as that doesn't seem to work well BUT I don't want to make him feel unwanted in that regard.

Other issues that play a role for him:


Back pain even after surgery, still needs pain control (not oxy so not concerned with addiction issues, only takes when he is in major pain)

Suffering from ED even prior to back injury

Heart attack in March now on several meds (not sure if he can take little blue pill with the meds)

Not feeling well in general (meds he's on with combination of boredom, stress and "nothing to look forward too, earning and potential for earning limits) This worries me because in the past he seems to blame me for the unhappiness in his life and then tends to stray. No sign of that yet....

My main issue is my weight gain, working on getting back in shape but think a lot of the weight gain may be hormonal so more of a struggle to lose, top that with his affair (never discussed) and I feel very unattractive. Something I am working on but not easy.

Any advice that may help me maneuver thru this would be appreciated...I'm just unsure how I should be handling this.