My lizard and her tunnel ...

[late30s]

I want to hang out with her and watch Netflix, share a bunch of laughs. I want to wake up next to her again. I want to go house hunting with her. I want her to decorate our new house. I want to listen to her ramble on about her newest story or piece of art. I want to be a team handling the kids again. I want to lie down next to her when I go to sleep. I want to go on long walks with her again. I want to come home and be greeted by a hug. I want my best friend back. I want to stay up all night listening to cheesy songs and her telling me the stories about them.

She is an excellent story teller. I have always been able to just sit and listen to her talk. It's why I fell in love with her. She is captivating when she speaks. Lights up the whole room when she laughs. I want to hear her laugh again. I have just landed my dream job and I want her at my side. It was her dream for a long time too, I want to share it with her. I want to look toward a future filled with hope.

That's what I want from her. Not what I expect from her today, but that is what I want from her in the long run.

[AJM]

I can appreciate that, late. What is it you want for your goals that don't include her?

'cause lets face it. She is nobody you know right now. That person is long gone, never to return. The person that may return will be a "different" person.

Not that you can't have a relationship with that person and memories etc. But that person won't be the same person. You'll see what I mean later.

For now, act is if that person is gone. What is it you want for you? Just you. Not the kids and you. Not the W and you. Not the dog and you. Just you.

I found that was the hardest thing I had to do in all of this. Figure out what I really wanted. See, I was so wrapped up in my family life and being a father and a husband and .. that I totally forgot about me. I was ok with that. I figured that was what I was *supposed* to do. It was actually what I needed to do at the time. But it left me with anemic aspirations. I barely knew how to figure out what I wanted. Actually took me the most work.

So what do you want? A year from now? A decade from now? How do you see yourself? Just you. Even if there are others in the picture, they should be fuzzy for this question.

AJ

[late30s]

I feel pretty good about my short-term and long-term goals. I start the new job on Monday. I return to school next month. Focusing on helping my son get a car by the end of the year (which isn't about me, but it is part of the financial goals). Buying a house by the end of next year. In ten years I hope to still be in my field, house mostly paid for, and enjoying the vacation time. I plan on buying a house in one of the mountain towns near here. I am really looking forward to going home to that kind of environment.

I would also like to open or help an existing school teach the principles of Computer Science to low income students, within the next decade. This is something I plan on doing for free, perhaps on Saturdays (assuming there is an interest). I come from a low income family myself and I like to believe that if I had the foundation earlier, I would have started in my field much earlier in life. I'm not unhappy with my life at this point, as the decades of customer service has aided me in a lot of other aspects of my life, but I think I would have liked to start in this field earlier. I also think that as time goes on, it is going to become vital to have a few programming languages under your belt.

As far as my own growth, I want to continue to improve in keeping my temper in check, not letting hurt little boy control my words for any amount of time. He tends to surface once in a while still. Kindness will remain paramount in my life.

Dogs are definitely part of my future though ... I can't exclude them! :p

Honestly, everything else in my life has really started falling into place. I'm pretty happy with it. Since June I have bought a new car, got completely caught up on tuition so I can return to school, and got the job. I have seen my boys really step up and show me that I did a great job raising them. My kids are proud of me, virtually bursting at the seams.

[late30s]

Update time:

Started the new job on Monday and it is AWESOME!Monday was also S18's birthday. Monday was also the day W and OM had to be out of the apartment.

I don't know where W is now. I haven't said two sentences two her since she left on Sunday. She spent the weekend here again. Saturday was good. Took D12 and W up to a mountain town and explored it a while. W asked if we could return on Sunday with the boys and we did. Sunday wasn't quite as nice. S18 was grumpy, needed to eat as soon as we arrived. We went to a few different places and finally found a place without an hour wait. I dropped more money than I would have liked on lunch then we went and explored some more.

W was moody the whole trip. Not sure why, didn't delve into it. Ended up setting a necessary boundary, I told her that if she still plans on coming to visit me on the weekends that she needs to be able to speak to me like a human being. I can't allow myself to be attacked any longer. She got frustrated with me, but I find that I am serious now. She may not think that I am, but I can't do that anymore. When she was evicted and elected to follow OM to where ever, something inside me snapped. I wasn't angry, just finally accepted that she is making a decision. Found myself wondering why I had been putting up with so much crap for the past year. I don't honestly have an answer at this point. I'm not done with standing, but it is different now. I think the realization of everything I have accomplished since BD helped me a lot. Today I am in a stronger position than I ever have been in my life. Kids and I have a GREAT relationship. I am making significant strides in my career and I have a lot of friends.

Monday was one of the best days of my life, certainly my best first day of work ever. Company bought donuts for me and had a meet-n-greet. I met all kinds of interesting people, physicists, naval officers, chemists, and engineers. After the meet-n-greet, I had a phone conference with HR, where they laid out even more benefits I wasn't aware I was getting. Once I finished that I went and did some research on some scripting languages. The last hour of work was "happy hour", it seems this is a monthly event. We all got together for the last hour, company provided snacks and beer.

Monday was one of Ws worst days of her life. Had to be out by midnight, no one would help her move. BIL and SIL want nothing to do with OM. She is nearly out of friends. As I understand it, she had to move into a basement bedroom at one of OM's friend's houses. For the first time, she posted something about this situation on her actual fb account. Pleading for help with the move. (My sister told me about this, no longer on her fb).

The contrast is pretty stark. W told me she no longer wants therapy. So back to square one on that.

Today was another excellent day at work. Company took me out to lunch and it was awesome. Haven't spoke to wife at all today, though she did text me this morning. I haven't replied. Things continue to look up in my household and I am getting excited. My biggest concern at the moment is if a D is coming, I may have trouble keeping my step-son on my insurance.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I think I am reaching a greater place of strength when it comes to dealing with this situation.