Who has heard the term chaos kid? Google it - interesting theory that if your spouse had a traumatic childhood for the first 10 years of their life then they are destined to have a MLC. Basically they try to relive their messed up childhoods subconsciously. You can do the algorithm to determine how long approximately they will be in crisis mode and steps associated to deal with it. It's worth a read.
My w was most definitely a chaos kid and her timeline is approximately 18 months.
More food for thought- Any comments from the DB board???
My W texted me last night to call and "talk" to her not to the kids.
I called and we talked about the kids and how they are doing back East and a minor issue with our D6. I told her "It sounds like you did the right thing, I am glad you talked with her about it". I mainly listened closely and validated her concerns, praised her several times for her actions and then thanked her for letting me know about the situation.
We talked for about 15 minutes and talked about her Mom, Dad, how things are back home etc... She commented on how old her Mom and Dad are getting. I said yes, we are all getting older. It was a relaxed talk and she actually used my name, my "family" name, the shortened version not the formal version. She laughed a little. I was relaxed and we just chatted.
She later sent me a photo of our D6 and my BIL on the farm driving a tractor. I was very surprised as this is the first time she has sent a photo in a long time. Maybe months.
I replied - Glad that they are getting this time to spend on the farm, thanks for the photo.
She then texts me this morning - "S6 has split his boot (he wears a foot brace). Urgh...."
I will respond in a little while with "Oh Boy, thanks for letting me know, I am sure it can be replaced.
Before BD, I would immediately jump on her email and call the boot place to make an appointment. I am not going to do that this time. She is a big girl and can figure it out.
So a lot of increased communication from her AND using my name.
It was like talking to the old her not the Monster.
Just keep on your path, allow her to navigate hers at her own pace. The exchange was pleasant and easy going .. no pressure right?!! ... this is a small but important building block .. well played by you not jumping on that text.
Yes, I realized that being relaxed and non judgemental and really listening is so important. I am placing NO PRESSURE on her at all. She is 100% free to do what she wants.
I have finally realized that I have put a LOT of pressure on her in a variety of ways, so that has stopped. I have stopped giving events meaning, they are just events and events are neither good nor bad. I have had to learn to stop reacting to events. I think another way to say this is have no expectations.
It looks/feels like a 'reconnection' but its more like a check, they come in hard and use all those things they feel we want, draws us in ... "tough" and once they feel we are still right where they left us emotionally they go ... My W had several of these ... once I took them for what they were worth as Cadet points out .. it was not as bad .. detached and unphased I did not feel like I was duped.
In aviation, a touch-and-go landing or circuit is a maneuver that is common when learning to fly a fixed-wing aircraft. It involves landing on a runway and taking off again without coming to a full stop. Usually the pilot then circles the airport in a defined pattern known as a circuit and repeats the maneuver. This allows many landings to be practiced in a short time.
So now apply the above to your relationship.
Remember you are just the runway. Runways dont try to go catch the landing planes.
Now she just texted two more photos of the kids from back East. No words just the photos.
I have not reponded to the earlier text about his boot.
Now I am getting confused. For so long - nothing..... and now photos and texts and a phone call last night.
I have to remember though, she very well may be sending these photos to the AP too. So there's that. I am very wary.
Do I even respond to these? Every fiber of my being wants to, but I won't not for a while.
God this is hard.
Yup ... how do you get a kid into the van ... CANDY, she knows the kids are the one thing .. the one bond between you both she can always use to reel you in.
Responses are ok, not right away .. but also make it a response you would as if your neighbor sent you a pic of your kids at their place having fun .... heck .. pics with no words that winky emoji works well I have learned as it gives them the same level of communication back.
Cadet ... LOVE that runway analogy .. thats priceless.
