I am back for more. Here is a brief recap of where I stand. WW still involved with OM. I am dropping the rope and actively moving towards D. I am currently trying to balance living under same roof with WW, having five wonderful children who need my attention and the best PMA possible, a full-time job, the paperwork that is involved in the D process, an OM who is "gently" stalking me when I go out to run at night, with some GAL on the side.
I was not sure whether to start a new thread in the D forum, so I remain a newcomer.
I closed my previous thread with the following sentiment, teased out with Defacto's help: I get that there is no way to know how my W feels. I also realize there is nothing I can do about it, one way or another. What really frustrates me, though, is the fact that it affects me so much. It is just another reminder of how un-detached I am.
A case in point: I will be travelling for an extended vacation with my 2 eldest. In order to travel, I needed a notarized letter from my W, stating that she permits me to travel with the kids. i.e. that I am not abducting them. So W came to see the notary in my office today. While signing the docs, she pulls out a catalogue from her new jewelry business and gives it to our office manager (who happens to be the notary). She is happy, smiling, vivacious, excited and energized by her new business. I am fuming. It is not enough that she is D-ing me. She needs to solicit my colleagues, fellow staff, and friends to build up her business. I also feel jealous that she is so happy (read: without me). I wanted to tell the office manager to trash the catalogue. But instead I calmed myself down and called my sister - who is very good and calming me down - and came back here to vent. I suppose any money she makes will be less I have to pay her. Also, her business is considered an asset in the D, thus I get a share.
I am so bitter. I want to scream out to the whole world and tell them what she is doing. What is wrong with me? I think it all comes from a very bruised ago. From my previous thread:
Originally Posted By: RAI
It hurts to know that there is someone who really loathes you. I know that I should not care, that what others think of me should not matter, that WW has to loathe me to justify her actions. Still it hurts. WW is worse that a stranger. I can converse and be civil with a stranger. I can't bring myself to be civil with her and she is doing such awful things. I feel sometimes that I am no further along than when I first got to this board.
There certainly are a lot of feelings to work through.
I Lifted this quote from Mozza, posting in Raliced's thread. Hope you both don't mind. It was just so a propos and really speaks to me right now.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
I find your anger interesting. I had moments of anger earlier, a few months after BD, and I decided to feel them. I never took them out on WW, but I would not feel guilty for being angry at her. In fact, it helped me greatly to feel a little better and was likely instrumental in getting me to a better place each time. I encourage you of thinking about where this anger comes from inside of you and that might be triggered by the recent events.
The only difference is I am a few years after BD. In fact, tomorrow will be exactly 1 year from BD #2. I have not thought about it much. A day like any other I suppose. I am annoyed by the fact that every time I think I will feel detachment or attain closure, something happens and detachment and closure are further away, again. After BD #2, where I found WW crouching in the back seat of OM's car, coming out of his house, I thought to myself, "this is the closure I needed". But it was not enough. I continued to pursue and spy and basically not detach. Then I found DB. Next month I will be two years into my sitch (BD #1 was in August 2013). Ugghhh. I am not sure how different I am from 2 years ago. Am I really rising above it?
WW is D-ing me, but she has no qualms about taking advantage of my connections at work to sell her wares. Is it cake eating? Should I stop it? Such chutzpah. I am really not liking her right now. She seems to have this sense of entitlement. She used my credit card to purchase snacks and desserts for her jewelry show. I don't know where she is getting the start-up funds. When I asked where she was going to get to money to reimburse me, she became indignant - as if it is my responsibility to put up the money for all her useless endeavors. Her previous business is still not turning a profit (none that I am seeing, anyway). Why is she starting another.
I am not having a very good day. Pretty lost in these thoughts.
Of late, it has struck me just how public my M has become. Everybody has an opinion. I live in a small community. People seem unsure how to respond to the A. People are wondering why we have not yet D. I doubt anyone would understand DB. Many have told me they are "following my lead": while we are still a family, they are careful to alienate my W, even though they are disgusted by what she continues to do. Still others are probably questioning my self respect: why would I remain M to someone who is obviously and shamelessly unfaithful?
OMs W is probably feeling the same thing right now. I thought they already D, but I was mistaken.
Can I observe, what others think of you is their business not yours. You can choose if you like to ask those who you feel have value to you to comment and you can take that into account, what matters most is that which you think. I get the small town hot house, I have observed most people are more concerned about what you think of them than other ways.
If you want to stand that is your choice, if you want to stay M also your choice. If you want to D your choice too.
Similarly what you think is your choice, hence there is no need to apologise to me for your thoughts on my WH. In any case you have my assurance of forgiveness and thank you for the apology. I assumed that you were soothing and intentions were good. I have my own views on WH (some of which are unprintable), and in general there is no point in wasting my voice as I have sacked him as my H, it will have no effect on him, it will be damaging to me. So I let it go, I feel so sad for WH, it can't be a good place to be in his life. I pray for him that he finds his better self so that he stabilises for his sake and any further R of his is more complete.
I have no say in it, better concentrate on that which I can choose to change in my own life. So I think it is.
So feel your fear and go beyond it to achieve your goal of standing for your M and for yourself. Have your secret smile of knowing your goal and hold that to your heart, it has great value.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/20/1511:10 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
RAI, I'm sorry that you are still so tortured by your S after two years. This is a very long time to live under such stress. Obviously, living together makes it much harder to detach and move on. It is striking to see the change in tone on the boards when a WAS finally moves out. There is so much less to over-analyze every day, and it's easier to focus on oneself.
As for your changes, maybe you can try to list them. The list doesn't have to be long, though certain items may be more important than others. In my case, I'm closer to my kids, closer to my parents, more knowledgeable about relationships, more self-aware and in better shape. That's just the start. It's not so bad. So yes, we change, even though it can be difficult to see it on a given day.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
The hardest part for me is trying to be "civil and polite and light and breezy" with communication with her - even with our kids. Does anyone else feel that way?
I know I have to, and do, but after all of this, it is very hard to just pick up and be friendly. In my mind she tried to kill me (emotionally) and now I just supposed to forget about all o that and just carry on.
She wants to make a big deal about being "fair" about time spent with kids, about money - we have to be FAIR. I think to myself - when is any of this FAIR to me or the kids? I did not have a voice in any of this nor did our kids. Why now is she concerned about fair?
To me it's like a kid crying about being an orphan after they have murdered their parents.[/quote] Ugghh. Heavy. I feel your exact pain. I know it is cliche on these boards, but I could have written your post myself. In fact, I have used the "orphan" analogy to describe WW many times. If you have read my thread you have seen my struggles at being friendly with W when I am constantly reminded of what she is doing.
I told my D9 about the D last night. Soo painful. I made sure W would be present to see the pain she is inflicting onn her children by her selfish and deliberate actions. W held D9 as D9 cried and all she could muster was "we are so sorry!". Not "sorry I have caused all of this with my selfish actions and am pushing for D", but "sorry we are all going through this difficult time right now", as if it is an unfortunate circumstance beyond all of our control, like cancer or a death in the family. It reminds me of an episode of Simpson's where Homer has gotten his hand stuck in a soda vending machine while trying to steal a can. He is about to have his arm amputated by the firemen when one of the firemen there asks: "Homer? Are you holding on to the can?", at which point homer removes his arm from the machine with no effort. For some reason, our WWs are willfully "holding on to the can" despite the damage that will ensue. Life is stranger than fiction.
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RAI I saw this on HeavyD thread and it concerned me.
I would like to ask you if this was the best thing for your children?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/24/1507:51 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
RAI I saw this on HeavyD thread and it concerned me.
I would like to ask you if this was the best thing for your children?
V,
I am not sure to what you are referring? What concerned you? Was what the best thing for my children?
I told my D9 about the D because the rest of my children know already. If I was her and I was the only one who did not know, I would feel terrible. D9 was at camp when we told them, and I did not feel it right that the whole family knows about the D and not D9. Also, I wanted her to hear it from me before she heard it from her sibs or a friend (yes, some of her friends know - I don't know how because friend's knowledge of this preceded me telling anyone. One of her friends almost told her at camp. luckily she told my niece instead who is older and had the good sense to tell this friend to hush up - imagine hearing about your parents D from a friend... at camp). Lastly, I am leaving with D13 and D11 on a trip next week and I did not want to tell her and then leave suddenly. I put a lot of thought into the timing.
I used the same script to tell D9 that I used for the other children - based on MWDs advice. I am also arranging for kids to see a psychologist.
Although it can be found elsewhere in my threads, in brief, I told D9 that Mommy and I have not been getting along lately (which she knows, because it is glaringly obvious) and that both partners have to want the marriage for the marriage to succeed and we don't have that - not blaming any one individual, not saying who did what, and also not lying and saying that it was a mutual thing, that Mommy and Daddy don't love each other. I still believe that love is a choice.
these...
Quote:
W held D9 as D9 cried and all she could muster was "we are so sorry!". Not "sorry I have caused all of this with my selfish actions and am pushing for D", but "sorry we are all going through this difficult time right now", as if it is an unfortunate circumstance beyond all of our control, like cancer or a death in the family. It reminds me of an episode of Simpson's where Homer has gotten his hand stuck in a soda vending machine while trying to steal a can. He is about to have his arm amputated by the firemen when one of the firemen there asks: "Homer? Are you holding on to the can?", at which point homer removes his arm from the machine with no effort. For some reason, our WWs are willfully "holding on to the can" despite the damage that will ensue. Life is stranger than fiction.
...were just my thoughts on the matter. I did not verbalize any of it.
D9 cried, but after about 20 minutes, was better, seemed consoled. I don't think I alienated W in any way. V, you are scaring me. I hope I did not do anything wrong.
