HurtJef and Uphill, My H and I had a bad marriage for many years. I would go to bed alone every night because he was working or watching sports. We had zero connection with each other, no time to spend with each other, we were completely broke and we were miserable. Regardless of what I asked for, it was never given. This may sound like I am blaming him 100% for everything and I am not BUT AT THAT TIME, I WAS. I THOUGHT IT WAS HIS FAULT BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE. Unfortunately I was also very unhappy and on the rare occasion we had time together I was complaining about how unhappy I was. I did, however, mistakenly try to repeatedly get him to talk or work on our marriage because I hadn't found DB and DR and didn't realize one person could make a difference. I also blamed him for everything that was wrong because he was absent even when he was home...but who wouldn't be if the only time they saw their spouse they were complaining. However, this is all hindsight so I couldn't see any of this at the time. I could only see that we hadn't spent any time together in several years, he was always at work, when he was home he ignored me, he told me to find someone else, etc. Yet, once I found someone else and he knew about it, he realized he didn't want our M to end. By this point, I had been alone in our M for so long I was just angry that he wanted me to give up what was finally making me happy. At the same time, I wanted my M and I wanted our family so I went through the motions of counseling and working things out but I was still in touch with OM. I was no longer in PA but was still in an EA which is just as detrimental to your M (and probably more so than an PA). This went on for a long time, I would want to work things out and we would try to but as soon as I thought we were secure again I would reach out to OM. I wanted my M but I was afraid to let go of what I thought was my only way to happiness. Finally my H got tired of the game; he was picking me up one night and when he pulled in I was hugging OM (I hadn't seen him in a long time and it really was innocent but I had no business doing it and, if you were the spouse, you would never believe it was innocent). He told me he was done and this time I knew it was different, I knew he meant it. You see, when you are ambivalent and you want to issue an ultimatum, or declare you are done, but you are afraid of losing the other person, they know you aren't done. I had always known he wasn't done so even though I was halfway in my M I was still halfway out. After this, he was completely different. There was no trying to win me back, no talking, kissing, touching, nothing. I no longer had him and I knew it. I took a good long look at what I really wanted and it was my M, just like I thought all along. I finally decided I had to take a chance that he wouldn't leave (he had told me for years he was leaving) and give it my all because I had never been 100% OUT and deep down I didn't want my M to end, even though it would have been a lot easier at the time. By this point, I had to do something and I found DB and Dr. After reading the books I knew I had to do Last Resort Technique because he was truly done. I went about changing myself and changing my life while praying he would see the changes and it wouldn't be too late. If you are ambivalent, they know it. If they are having an EA or PA and you don't say anything, let it go on, "make your feelings known" but stay in the relationship, they don't have to make a real choice. hey aren't in both relationships to hurt you, they are in both because they are so confused. Uphill, it's very hard if you have no warning. I can't even imagine that because I am so vocal. I am sure your W has some sort of communication that she believes you are understanding even if you aren't (body language, looks, insinuations) and you need to figure out what it is until she starts talking.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Thanks LTH, your posts are immensely helpful looking at the other perspective. I have read amyc and Sandi's posts and it is so very insiteful to hear these things from the other side.
Ralphy, You may want to start a new thread very soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
