hold on! - 11

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Thread number 11
Link to number 10:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2584871&#Post2584871

Thanks for everyone's support!

[u-turn]

Had a full couple of days so far this weekend.

I’m writing this to document and vent. I don’t have a good memory for these details, but I think this is all important for my future – so I’ll share too. (sorry if it's too long and poorly written, just putting it out there quickly)

Thursday – received a notice in the mail addressed to me from a collection agency about our mortgage. It seems that it hasn’t been paid in several months and they are sending notice of forclosure unless it is paid to date. I leave this notice sitting out because it is definitely something that I need to talk with WW about. She grabs it and leaves. Later texts me I need a cert check to mortgage co. for $$$$$. I text her back – so we owe $$$$x2. She texts yup. Later I text that I will mail the checks tomorrow (I need the check from her first so I know she’s paying her half. She likely does not have the money and is only sending my check in. I cannot do this and need to make sure things are handled, and not just by me. I will handle this Monday due to the holiday. I am nervous about this, but I have the money right now. fins are getting really sketchy.

Friday – I didn’t realize WW would be home because of the holiday. MIL called me (she has never called my cell phone directly) she left a message and says that she has some important looking mail for S21. I text her back – thanks I will come get it and make sure he gets it – a little strange, but ok.

While I was showering MIL comes over and looks for me in the house, puts the mail on my desk and leaves. W is completely pissed by this and thinks that I have poisoned her image with her parents and everyone else. WW comes into the bathroom, whips open the shower door and starts berating me, saying that I need to get the F out of the house right now. Slams the door and leaves. I was stunned by this and didn’t respond before she left (just trying to shower) She comes back a minute later and the same thing – whips open the shower door and screaming about how I am spreading rumors and getting everyone to hate her – I put my hand up and tell her to leave so I can finish my shower, she can calm down and we can talk. Slams the door – comes back again and this time she says If I had a gun, I would kill you right now – I say really – a death threat – please. Just leave, I am going to finish my shower and maybe we can discuss this if you calm down. She leaves – slam. I slowly finish my shower and make my way to talk to her. She is still ramped up, so I say I am not going to talk until she calms down. I walk away and she grabs my shoulder to turn me around. I remain calm and tell her not to touch me and I leave the room and wait in the kitchen.

20 minutes later she comes in and starts talking about all of my faults in the last 21 years and all of the things that I have done wrong - including things after BD. She blames me for this all and thinks that I am just playing the victim, telling everyone about us, trying to get everyone on my side (none of this is true, but may be her perception) . She doesn’t believe we are married just because the piece of paper says we are. AND if I divorce her I will lose everything – house, kids, money (that’s what happens to men – look it up). I told her that I know this is not true. She asked if that’s what my L says.

We talk a little – I acknowledge that I have not been perfect, but cannot change the past. And my actions are based on what’s happened in the last 18 months. This is a result of her choices. She just stared at me with a smug look.

I probably shouldn't have engaged her at all - but I didn't want her to push me around.

Saturday – I get up, have some coffee, check DB, walk the dog, go for a long bike ride and when I get back, I see that she was blowing up my phone with 16 text messages. Her demands.

Summary - She says I can stay in the house – she doesn’t want it. We will arrange the kids schedule; staying in the house is equal to the place that I have looked at; split kids expenses; she will keep them on her insurance; their vision on mine; you have your small retirement and I have mine and other than the house we don’t really have anything.
I didn’t respond to this as I don’t want to agree to anything – or make it seem like I am. I don’t know what I can say and cannot right now. I am in agreement with some of this, but don’t understand it all.

Things calm down a little and I start making dinner. WW leaves to go get ice cream for later. I decide that I was going to go get some beer for dinner. On the way, I see WWs car and she’s talking to a guy on a motorcycle – at the time, I think it is a friend of ours that she ran into. I got home before she did. When she comes home, she is mad again. She says that I have no idea what she’s been through. (I don’t know what she’s talking about). She goes on – he came by the house to see if I was ok. (starting to figure this out). I was just talking to him – I haven’t talked to him in two weeks.

I got it – it was OM in the parking lot. She must have thought I knew who she was talking to and incriminated herself - that's kind of funny. He has been riding by the house – keeping tabs on her. I kind of flip out at this and lose my sense of what boundaries are and controlling demands. I say that she needs to keep this predator away from my house and family. She defended him – he’s not a predator – he was just worried about me. I told her that he should be worried about himself – and brought up his poor unknowing wife and kids. (I wish I had done better – but didn’t). She should know. WW didn’t want me talking about his family.

I actually laughed at her and walked away – no point fighting this anymore. I'm mad, but some times I actually feel bad for her - she's so twisted - unraveling.

There are many more details to these events, but I will not bore you.

Not good DB today – tomorrow will be better. Another bang up weekend.

Thanks for allowing me to vent - Cheers!

[Vanilla]

U

Not easy in the shower to do this, but truly these rants could be recorded.

It can be a wake up to listen as if you were a third party, plus it helps to break it down.

I think a good session with an impersonal Fin advisor would help too.


V

[u-turn]

I wish I did have these recorded - they come quite out of the blue, not scheduled talks. Not much I could do in the shower either - no pockets, ya know? My initial thoughts after something like this happens now are actually your words that you have written on my thread and your abuse thread. This has been very eye opening for me.

I think the fin advisor would be a good idea too, but I worry that I am spending too much money on my team of people now (IC, L). If I add another expense like this I feel like I am squandering money that I need to take care of the kids and myself. (maybe money well spent though).
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Made the best of yesterday - a pretty good day for a weekend all-in-all. W left for a good part of the day which left me with time with the kids (awesome) - had some fun firework shenanigans with s17, had some great music talk and discovery with D15 (that's kind of our thing) - we may try to go to a music festival that actually has a band that I like and another that she really likes.

When W left, she asked what do you want to talk about first, house or kids? I told her that we need to figure everything out, nothing is exclusive. She just wants answers from me - not my "word games" again. I said the kids are most important she said ok and left. Later, I saw that she had some calendar options written on a note pad.

S17 asked me why she was picking a fight with me before she left. I didn't have a good answer for him. (he was not home during Saturday's events, D15 was and I think heard everything. I know S17 and D15 talked about it via text.)

I made the greatest beef brisket - smoked/cooked for 7 hours on the grill. corn, baked potatoes. Everyone really enjoyed it. W's aunt stopped by and ate with us. Even W commented on it, said it was the best we've ever had (even from restaurants) and thanked me - nice as pie she was (she's all over the place). I just said your welcome and that I had fun making it and I'm glad everyone liked it. I think she was looking for more friendly interaction, but after the events of the weekend, I think cordial was what I could achieve.
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I do think W is formulating ideas of how this is all going to work and I am just going to agree with everything. I also think she is thinking about and may have been advised by someone what the laws are - she may be trying to push this along and convince me to agree to things to protect her retirement and salary (both of hers are higher than mine). Her salary is higher - I have a low teaching salary and the business (which for the last 3 years has not made as much as I would have liked - and last years fiasco really hit hard). Her retirement accounts are quickly becoming larger, and mine through the school is building slowly - being self employed for a very long time, I never invested in this as I thought we needed every penny to live (stupid decision).

I am again not interested in causing undue stress in these - My feeling is that her job and retirement is hers. But I think the L may see that differently. The salary difference may be a factor.

I think that I have to be careful not to agree to anything at this point.

[CaliGuy]

U-turn

yeah not suprising she is going Monster right now ... she really has no back up plan as I think everyone can realizse OM is most likely not going to disrupt his family for an A nor a OW ... this really will eat at your OW as she questions the risk/reward factors as the risk is now escalating.

As far as the $ $... my wife made more and had more in the 401k ... like you I felt that was hers, but then I realized .. we were building a life together, doing what needed to be done, where I lacked financially I more than made up for what I did outside of work. But the big thing ... the kids, should they have less while with me due to W's actions? No .... she made her choice and those choices come with consequences. Do not just give her those things .. the L will agree, after 21 years of marriage all that is just as much yours as it is hers.

Sorry you also had a tough weekend .. hang in there, looks like you handled things well and W is starting to crack under the pressure.

[Vanilla]

Cali

It doesn't surprise me, WW is losing control as U is getting stronger and detaching.

I think it's classic behaviour for cake eating.

Plus the fact that U is naked in the shower means to me that this is starting to look like posturing behaviour by WW, my WH did this when I was on my small cot lying in bed (I sleep naked), it made him feel more powerful and in control. A little bit classic and dominating, but U (bless him) turned away and finished his shower. Amazing to me and important turning point of awareness. I was fortunate to record the interaction as I had a iPad with the recorder app, only voice recording but enough. I would lock my door after that.

I am looking into this type of behaviour called conditioning behaviour and will post on the abuse thread about it. As far as I can tell absolutely wonderful response by U.

I will think about the Fin issue as that's my core expertise and I have a couple of suggestions.

V

[u-turn]

Hey Cali, Thanks -

Yeah - I understand the balance of what we both contributed during our time together. The dynamic have changed over time as they do for everyone - the newest phase - the one where she makes more $ is the only one she may be considering though. I think she will see this as me saying - W, you had an affair, so you owe me this. I live in a no fault state, and the A has no bearing on anything. But I do get the idea that everything is ours and our plan for the future.

Thank you for your support Cali

[u-turn]

Easy there V, you used naked U and naked V in the same sentence. I Kind of blanked out after that. Deep breath, regroup, focus. (That’s the most interaction I’ve had since I've gotten my virginity back).

boring honesty section now: ((By the way, that joke up there – that is hard for me to say/write. Do I know it’s a joke – yes. Does everyone know it’s a joke – probably. Is it offensive – not really, maybe to someone, maybe not the time or place for it. Do I use humor to cover up my pain – I think so. Do I use humor to boost my PMA - I try. I guess I worry about what I say all the time. I worry with one offensive word, I will end a relationship/friendship. So usually I will play it safe, I’ll debate with myself should I say it, should I not? (that’s been me – I don’t like that).))
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W, in her rants, has accused me of thinking I am perfect, and everyone else thinking I am perfect (she has said this to me before in our life together). I feel this is so far from reality, and I don’t understand why she says this. Her latest (last weekend) has been that I am doing that again – pulling everyone on to my side – vilifying W and playing the victim.
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But anyway - thank you so much V - I am reading and absorbing what you are writing on the abuse thread (much of it is above my head). But I can also see a lot of what I ignored and thought was just normal behavior throughout my marriage (and can see some of these things from my early life too). I am learning from this.

I feel like I did the best I could during the whole shower incident. Now, I could defend W and say that this was not her intention (she and I would both say that in the past), she was only acting/reacting on her immediate emotions without self control (which she tends to do) - but maybe this is the issue. (but that was a personality trait that I knew and, bit of a hot head, forceful with people, firecracker at times (this is completely different from me, which I thought made us a good team (kind of a good cop/bad cop thing) - but when it is used on me - it changes my perspective. I should have set my boundaries years ago with this - I should have ended this behavior when she stabbed me years ago).

My control of the situation came from knowing that I NEEDED to control the situation. (I actually feel like if she would have grabbed a knife before she came to scream at me, she would have used it. She didn't though). My turning and continuing my shower was a decision and I was trying to take my power back. (also - funny - while she was berating me, part of me was thinking - go away W, you are getting fricken water everywhere).

Thank you for being a friend V!!

[PeterV2]

Wow, U. Sounds like W is feeling the pressure. Something's going to give. Keep up your strong stance. You're doing well.
Don't worry about the humor - need that once in a while to keep things in perspective.
I find it amazing how long this whole process is and how long it can continue with no improvement on W's part.
I sometimes feel like throwing in the towel. I'm coming up to a point of delivering a position statement. Next week maybe - we'll see how things unfold this weekend.
Keep up the PMA.

[WhyUs]

U-turn:

I live an no fault state as well but an A does have bearing on the Alimony. In my state if you commit adultery alimony will not be awarded.