So things seem real good, W was here tonight for supper, I had a thought.... Since our anniversary was the 28th and I didn't acknowledge it would it be ok to maybe send her some flowers belatedly? Too soon?
Too soon. No pursuit until she signals she is back on board with saving the marriage and ready to roll up her sleeves and get to work. Even then, I'd go for more subtle things - and more unexpected new Upnorth 2.0.
Like, she's been working hard, so you clean out the bathroom spic and span, text her and say, I cleaned the tub, got you some bath salts, a bottle of wine, and I'm taking the kids out to a movie - enjoy." You have to know that she'd be available of course. But even if she did want to take the bath, you did something she would value no matter what (clean the bathroom on your own initiative) and made a real gesture of love that also gave her the space she will still be wanting at times.
Patience will still be the mantra during the piecing stage when it finally comes.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Today W texted me a bunch of pictures of us and the boys, she said these popped up on my FB page as on this day in the past.
I replied with "that was a great weekend!
She came back with "it sure was!"
I don't know but I think she is really wanting to come home. She was supposed to go look at a rental house yesterday, she never mentioned it so I don't think she did.
If these are feelers, don't initiate with an invitation. I know that will be the instinct to even subtly hint. Just keep being warm, friendly, open to her contacts, but leave her wanting a bit more but ending the conversation with a, "hey, I've got to get going, but I really enjoyed this." The only way to do this is keep up on the GAL so that you are busy enough that this is normal.
She may get a bit discouraged and pull back if you aren't taking the bait, but wait it out. She needs to be in control of this even if she is a bit scared of rejection. If she brings up something that she regrets doing, listen, validate, but also let her know that while it may have hurt, you understand she was hurting and angry, and that she shouldn't let it get in the way as you forgave her already; "but thanks for telling me, I really appreciate it."
Her wounds and your new conflict dynamics are still fresh enough that anything that looks like old pursuit behavior will trigger a defensive retreat on her part, yet you need to signal subtly that the door is open and she will be welcome without an outright invitation or request to come back.
There seem to be some very hopeful signs. Keep up the good work.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Ok, I may need some advice here, W did rent that house, it's a no lease thing, month to month. She said that way if things work out she can leave with 30 days notice. She says she's not sure if it's the right choice But she wants to make sure we are ok before she comes back. How do I respond to this?
