Your situation sounds exactly like mine. At least what you've described does. My ex had an inappropriate relationship with a work friend too. Like yours I don't think she had a PA, but it was cheating nonetheless. She is now openly dating him, and even took him and my girls to Disney with her family. Those were great pictures to look at on Facebook.
I don't think you were a fool, but he definitely was. I'm sure you did everything you could, but when spouses get to the point that ours did there is nothing you can do or say to change their course. All they think about is how miserable they are with you, and how this new person makes them feel so good. They don't think about how temporary that good feeling is until the honeymoon is over, so to speak.
As far as the legal advice, WHAT KML SAID. You really need to at least know what's possible. And for me, delegating those negotiations to the lawyers did a lot to defuse what could have been taken personally.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Had our first meeting with both our lawyers today. It was emotionally pretty rough for me. And then I came home and treated my daughter and me to pizza for dinner, and spent some time playing with her. We had a lovely evening. I am losing a lot but man oh man, he is losing the most by far.
I am very scared for my financial future, and terrified I will have to leave my home (because I don't know if I can afford an appropriate home in this area), but I have my daughter 5 nights a week and I get to see her so much more than he does. I am blessed and grateful for that.
D4 has finally started asking questions about divorce-- why doesn't daddy live here? are you divorced? I don't want to say anything negative to her about her father, but I don't want to lie or say something that doesn't feel like it matches my values. I've read about what MWD says to say, and I've tried that. But I don't know how to answer all her questions in a way that feels respectful to her/him and also true to what I value. Any words of wisdom from those who have been there?
Well - I don't know if these are words of wisdom. And of course, my situation was a little different because of the whole moving in directly with the girlfriend business.
I do my best to say positive things about him to the girls. I tell them he's a hard worker who does a difficult job (which is true), acknowledge that he his smart and funny, reinforce how much he loves them and talk up the time he spends with them.
However, when D7 asks a direct question about the divorce - I answer it honestly (and she asks a lot of them). We have had conversations that it's wrong to have a girlfriend when you are married. When she repeated some stuff that STBX said about why we were divorcing that was wildly off base - I corrected it. I didn't say "Daddy's lying!", but instead "that isn't what happened", and then I called her Dad on it. He has said things (and she has repeated) like "Daddy still likes Mommy, but Mommy doesn't like him anymore because she found out he did something bad". And I say - "you know sweetie, that's not right. Daddy doesn't know what I think or feel, because he's not in my head and I haven't told him". It's a fine line - all the advice is not to badmouth the other parent - but some of the things he did were so out of line and so visible to her that there is no explaining them away. So I don't try. I never say Daddy is a bad guy, but when asked, I will say that he did some bad things. I try to make sure that I don't dwell on the bad things. Whenever a conversation like this has happened, I try to double up on the positive things that I say about him.
One other thing - when she says she hates that we don't live together or that the divorce makes her sad - I never try to make the situation sound any better or minimize it, but instead I try to acknowledge and validate her feelings. I believe the phrase I have used is - "you're right honey - it does stink. I'm really sorry this happened".
I'm struggling a lot to keep a positive mindset about the changes to come...but those changes won't be for a while and let's face it, I've handled the biggest change of all with a lot of dignity. So, I'll get through the next stuff too.
Things to think about in terms of affording your home:
Would you buy it today at the price of your current.mortgage? If not, don't hold onto it. If yes ie it was a great bargain when you bought it, or you put a lot of sweat equity into it, or it has great potential for you to build sweat equity in the future, then ask yourself the second question:
Can you afford it? Would you be able to qualify for a refi loan (counting in child support, your income, etc)? If you can refinance it into your name, add up expected .mortgage payment and property taxes, then subtract tax breaks. How does that total compare to renting a nice 2 bedroom apartment in your town?
Can you rent out an extra bedroom after the divorce? Would this make your mortgage affordable?
Don't forget repair and maintenance costs. Much as you may hate to give up your home, renting may make more sense for you at present.
Check out the mr money mustache blog for great ideas on reducing your expenses. I also love the tightwad gazette books, which include lots of great ideas for kids.
P.S. when my ex left, he insisted on selling the house right away because he had a new property he wanted to buy. I knew I couldn't afford to buy him out of the considerable equity in our house so I agreed. It turned out ok, but wss really risky, because I couldn't get a mortgage on a new place until the divorce was finalized and I had a year of alimony check receipts. Our divorce took two years and I was just lucky that housing prices didn't rise too much in that time.
If you plan to buy a new place, don't agree to sell the old one until the divorce is done or almost done.
(Btw, I ended up buying a beautiful home in a much less expensive area of our county, and I'm happy with it and .y new, less pretentious neighbors.
Hi claire. I was just browsing these forums again, and noticed a familiar name. I just wanted to drop by your thread and say hi. It's unfortunate that you were unable to make your marriage work. I wasn't either. But thank you for your contributions to my thread in the summer of 2014. I've learned so much since then. Good luck to you!
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
