WAW moved out almost 2 years ago. I read DR and DB soon after, learned quickly to give her space, acknowledge her feelings, be supportive. I did as much GAL as I could, now have friends and see myself as so much more than the "husband and father" role that took up too much of my identity.
During this time I took care of her increasingly erratic and aggressive son (he was really giving her a hard time and fought any attempt at treating people with respect) who then had a psychotic episode and was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. I continued to support him as we had the uphill battle of dealing with his episodes and refusal for medicine and treatment (this is actually par for the course with this disease, they truly believe they're ok and lose the ability to judge what they perceive as time goes on). In time, I felt I had done what I can do. 3 months ago she found him an apartment and his doctor has been helpful in having him hospitalized when episodes break out. He's now taking his meds and living as normal a life as he can in his own home on welfare. So far, so good.
Since then, we've had the chance to have a few conversations. Some of it was good, others not. They've been very cyclical. By that, I mean repetitive. When a topic of conversation was discussed, we'd both have our say but we'd revisit the topics all over again. I caught her a few times changing the details of her side of the story or minimizing mine. I let those slip though, the point isn't to have a court case of right or wrong but to understand each other.
I do still love her but some things have to be acknowledged: 1-She still doesn't show the actions or attitude of someone who's interested in me. We have had sex a few times but it's quite difficult to have any kind of conversation other than for parent stuff. She also disappears like a ghost at any mention of doing something together (I'm not talking about romantic high pressure stuff here, I'm talking about going for a walk when she's already here).
2-I'm not the same person I was. This is a REALLY good thing as I was depressed about who I became. GAL has been quite difficult with the financial burden I held on to for so long as well as the stress of living with an aggressive paranoid schizophrenic. But I did do what I could...I now have friends, a more promising career, still going to the gym (though weight loss isn't as successful as I'd like), I snowboard and rollerblade, bowl with friends, run obstacle course races. This new person looks at her differently now. I'm having a very hard time seeing how she fits in all this. Also, my feelings are changing from "I wish she was here" to "I'm angry and sad she doesn't want to be here".
3-I don't know if she's being sincere with me. after almost 2 years she simultaneously tells me contradictory things. I know there's no asking her to make a decision but often times I find myself in a catch 22. It appears as though she can't make the decision for a final break but won't make a decision to stay (I don't know if I'm saying that in a way that makes sense).
This has been very long winded, thanks to anyone with the patience to read that. At this point I'm wondering whether continuing to DB is the right course of action. Once the house is sold I'll be moving to my own new place, this is a hard reality to accept. I will be achieving a lot of the freedoms I want, many positive things are coming of it but the emotional void will still be there.
I want things in my life. I want someone who'll stay the night after having sex. I want someone to be there and listen. That partner to come with me and see the world. There's nothing wrong with wanting that in my life. I would love for her to be that person but I don't think she wants to be that person, nor does she seem interested in the things I want.
At which point do the lines between loving a person and realizing what the person is willing to be in your life intersect? These are confusing days for me. Any enlightenment is welcome and hoped for.
You sound good and I exhort anyone here to read your post as it represents the healthy journey a DB'er goes on.
With regards to your questions, no one can answer them, save you. You still have tools to use, but it does appear you are unwilling to risk your current relationship in order to have the possibility at a better one. The caveat being, "in good times and in bad", and I understand that.
Communicate with her. Love her, as my definition goes, "love is the will to execute selflessly for the benefit of others." Think less about what YOU are getting out of the relationship, and focus on what you can give. Over time, her true self will manifest and you will have a more informed decision to make.
By the way, good to see you!
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I am so sorry that you have to be here, but you have come to the right place. Cadet, our moderator, will post a welcome page for you with all kind of helpful links.
You sound like a wonderful guy - you are an inspiration to me. My WAW left 8 months ago, and I have so many of the same feelings as you do. What a tough situation you are in. Wow. Right now, I'm not sure what to advise. I think I'll wait until one of the "Vets" on the forum responds.
You should be so proud of yourself for not quitting on your M. I am very proud of you!
There are so many loving, caring people on this forum. I refer to them as my "DB Family."
I will dedicate a prayer for you tonight. I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
He's been around the block. You're better off listening to him than anything else.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I think you're right; I will probably just "know" when I've crossed this threshold and she may in time finally open up.
Having her son diagnosed as a schizophrenic (and the son who needed her quite a bit more than the average child) is hard shock for her, especially since he's quite nasty to her when he wants to be. She's still learning the kind of relationship and contact she can have with him while he's being the way he is, it won't be easy and I do empathize with her. Time will tell.
Bob, I wish you luck in your situation. It isn't easy but in the end we have to satisfy our conscience.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
You're welcoome, my pleasure sir. Thank you for kind wishes and "spot on" advice. How very true.
Take care -
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
The questions and confusion came to clarity today. I don't know what triggered it but I feel like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
The answer is that even though I still love this woman, I'm done DB'ing. It's not a contradiction at all, that's just what it is.
There will be no more circular talks trying to open communication, no more trying to reason why a person wants you out of her life while she still wears the rings. No more head games.
I'm a person too and I need my own life as well. It's been 2 years of trying to reconcile a marriage that I wasn't happy in either. And that's ok. It's what I wanted to do.
The house will be sold soon. The assets will be split and then there's really nothing left but paperwork.
At this point there are no strategies and tools left in me. I'm simply being honest about my feelings and letting go.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
