So I decided I need to be able to say goodbye. I saw others write eulogies for themselves and to usher in the new them. I figured I needed to finally say goodbye to my ww as the person she was may never come back and who she is now, is not her. As I wrote this, I did get emotional, but I felt a sense of closure.
"Today I say good bye to one of the best people I've ever known. I was so fortunate to have had them in my life for nearly 14 years and shared as much time with them as I did.
We met when I was 19. I was a college drop out, without much direction or purpose. I would do whatever I could to feel included, whether it be consuming alcohol, saying/doing hurtful things that others would think were funny or sleeping around with many different women. When I first saw her walking down the hall to shake my hand, time stopped. Other than the birth of our 2 children, this is the only other time where it felt so surreal. When she looked in my eyes and smiled to tell me her name, I instantly knew as I was hooked. We spent every day together and when I finally told her how I felt, she was not in a place to be in a relationship with anyone. I struggled with how to be just a friend to someone I cared so much for so quickly. But, we continued to spend time together and get to know each other and that friendship eventually turned into mutual love.
She was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside. She had one of the biggest hearts I've ever known and was fiercely loyal to family and friends she trusted as family. She was selective about who she let in, but once you were there, there wasn't anything she wouldn't do for you. It's because of her I learned the value of family and being able to live your life for others. She was goofy, fun and would try to live her life regardless of what others might think. She always encouraged me to try new things and many of my favorite foods and events I have as a result. Her smile melted my heart.
I will miss our conversations and the way we would say each other's thought before one could get it out. We always seemed so in sync. Being able to have her support me emotionally and offer words of encouragement when I doubted myself meant the world to me. I will miss the nearly 4,500 nights I was able to fall asleep next to her, have her tell me everything is ok if I had a bad dream, be able to hold her and protect her or be able to watch her look so peaceful as she was sleeping. Her warm embraces cured the deepest hurt.
As I learned to appreciate the family and wife I had, it drove me to be better at work and want to work more on myself - physically, mentally, spiritually. I used to be stubborn and judgmental. I never would have attended counseling if she hadn't shown me the success she experienced within herself. My communication would have stayed non-existent and anger would have continued to be the first emotion I showed in any situation. The truth is, I would not be who I am today if I never met you. I'll always be grateful for that.
It feels like such a cruel trick that life allowed us to be together only to strip you away from me, with what seemed like no warning. I accept and realize this person is gone and may never come back. I now need to move forward and not forget the person I loved, the person who met so much to me. While I am letting you go, I will always have these memories close to my heart to reflect back on. Not as a way to be sad or miss the person I no longer have in my life, but as a reminder of how great a person I am and still can be. If someone THIS amazing chose to be in my life, I MUST be worth it.
I miss you so much and will always love you. Thank you for everything.
Wow Rip, that's a very powerful message to send to both yourself and the Universe. I don't have any good advice for you but want to let you know I empathize with your pain and admire the courage it took to both do that exercise and post it publicly.
With grace, doing so will hopefully lighten the burden on your heart and allow you to heal from your situation in the best way possible.
You're right too, you are worth it. Your W has just temporarily forgotten how amazing you are. The fact that you're still here fighting and doing so in this emotionally intelligent of a manner speaks volumes not only about who you were back in your M, but who you've become.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I hope that felt good to write, buddy. That kind of thing is tough to read. I may have to wait until this thread hits page 2 to come back here. I feel for you. And for all of us here.
I think this post answers your questions from the last thread. The dressing, smelling, FEELING better is for us. It ALLOWS us to start to truly FEEL the way you wrote above. Can you imagine writing stuff like that sitting in a dark apartment in your sweatpants eating old pizza? Of course not - that guy is CLINGING to his wife and shambled marriage for dear life.
The way I see it, we are doing becoming a person that is attractive to WOMEN. One such woman who may find you attractive is your wife - lucky for you, you are already in love with her, so she's going to trump all the other women - at least for now. Over time, we will all choose to stop putting our love energy into our current spouses and try to find new ones. Depending on where you are in that cycle of/when your wife decides she has some interest in R, it may become a possibility.
So we become the person we want to be. We let go. Then we live our lives and see what happens.
Wow! This is special, Rip. I don't have the courage to write something like this yet. It's beautiful and hopefully it helped put some feelings to rest.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Thanks PigPen, Defacto and Matt! It means a lot and it DID and does help. I have gone back a couple times to re-read it. Each time I do, it helps with acceptance, closure and the ability to say good-bye.
That person I wrote the eulogy for may never come back and SHE is who I've been holding onto the rope for. I had to let go for me.
Also, I realized and re-realized more about myself, where I had been and where I still may be at. I read a great article on neediness, essentially. It talks about there being 2 main forms in a relationship on opposite ends of the spectrum. The first is having your partner serve as your validation and reassurance that you are worth something and valued. The second is cherishing your partner so much you put them on a pedestal and almost take away their faults and humanity.
Both seem to be caused by low self-esteem and overall feelings of not being good enough. So, I continue to work on me and my own self worth.
Only then will I be able to accept another for who they are, not elevate them and not need to constantly temperature check. It can be tough to miss having someone. But I don't NEED someone to meet those needs, it's merely a want.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Rip, I saw BOTH of those sides in my marriage. The more I read about codependency the more I realized just how deep my emotional enmeshment with wife was destroying who I was and my self worth.
I like the sound that you don't Need her anymore, but it sounds like there is that hole in your heart that needs to be filled. What steps have you been raking with your self esteem? I read you've been going out and GALing which is great!!!!!
What else have you been doing to show yourself that you are worth loving, that you can be a happy dude without a companion by your side.
There are a ton of books, articles, etc. In improving self esteem. I cringed so hard when I started reading them...hokey $hit is all I could think.
Well I started a couple of things...started listing positive things I did everyday and then you can go back and read how awesome you are. Second one and this was big...start a love affair with yourself. Start to treat yourself to things you never felt right doing, start showing yourself that You are Worth the effort of going out of the way for you.
I would bet you would have driven all over town to pick up a couple of things for wife or kids if she hinted she wanted them....but for you, would you have just gone without rather than going through the hassle. I know I treated myself with such disregard for so long, that it is quite sad really.
Start really loving yourself, you are worth it...paging Stuart Smalley
Without the boys this weekend, so here are my GAL activities:
-Driving up to Omaha for the College World Series. Meeting several friends tonight for drinks/dinner and the opening ceremony. It's one of the few times of the year where Omaha gets packed and the energy is awesome.
-May stay up in Omaha for the weekend r drive back down to KC for a craft beer festival and/or local bar crawl with several friends. Haven't fully decided yet and will play it by ear, but have options.
-Sunday will be more working out, cleaning the place, errands. I may treat myself to a relaxing massage and chill by the pool.
Should be a fun weekend, with great weather, good friends and new people.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
College World Series? That's awesome! Go Canes! I'm jealous.
Sounds great. Have fun, Rip!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Having a tougher moment, but should get over it soon. Ww texted me for first time in a week. That's how she communicates, only via text and only if it's something she needs. Wanted our password for phone bill, so she could pay half of the bill, her choice, I never made that request or suggestion.
On one hand I'm happy she's doing it because less money I have to spend. On the other it's more distance and one less thing she needs me for. She doesn't need me or want me,more actions of filing for divorce, putting the house on the market, only choosing to text me and i believe, continuing the affair all show that.
I get sad that we don't communicate or talk at all, but then when she texts me, even for something like this, it triggers me. I'll be ok and I'm going to go work out and try to enjoy gal tonite.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
God, even the most mundane texts about anything are such triggers to me right now. To not speak for several days and then get something about a bill or a kid or anything is so jarring to my system.
