Not a dumb question at all! Many, many people work with both a DB Coach and their marriage counselor. Not all marriage counselors are pro marriage and that can be tricky. Divorce Busting Coaches are all about saving your marriage. This is a very proactive & goal oriented program that compliments marriage counseling quite nicely.
Please call me for more specifics. 303-444-7004
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I guess that's where I'm struggling, am I that clueless to the whole situation? What you've said " IMO, the main reason a WW has no sexual desire for her H is b/c she has another guy in her head (if not her bed) Plus what others are saying has me so confused. It seems like I'm an idiot for wanting to believe that she made a mistake & is done with it!?! She even went so far as to write a letter to her family explaining what a horrible mistake she made! Like I said I feel guilty for back tracking on the progress we appear to have made. But, I'm also starting to realize that perhaps by me continuing to do what I've been doing may just lead us back to a spot where she gets comfortable & I stay stuck in that "just friends" area. So to answer your question Sandi2, I guess I'm struggling "overall"
If you will carefully read each of the 37 rules, you will see there is not a single one that should cause you this type of fear. They are simply guidelines for a newcomer who is faced with a WAS or wayward. Some men who are afraid, see detaching and/or the 37 rules as being cold and distant. You refer to it as distancing. It is up to the individual as to what degree to apply these. For example, where I say not to "initiate" contacts throughout the day.........a lot of people skip over that word initiate and stop responding to her texts and calls. Depending on the stitch, it may become necessary for some LBH'S, but my point is that this NC at all is not in the 37 rules. And, I stress over and over the LBS is not to be seen as cold, mad, pouting, etc.
If you believe your W is not a WAW or WW, and you are not headed for a divorce, and the only problem you have is sex, maybe you need to post in the sex starved section. If you think you are making progress and she is working on the M, try the Piecing section. But I have to say that I don't really think it is a matter of sex starved, b/c you said the sex was great before the A, and she "suddenly" stopped. What you are experiencing now is a W who has not been able to completely let go of OM, at least in her thoughts & dreams of what may have been between them. Even if she has not contacted him, she's keeping the A alive in her heart.
I believe all those excuses she gives about not having sex is BS. She doesn't want you to know OM is still in her head. That is something you cannot force out. She has to do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My H and I had a great relationship too, we were best friends. We got along well and hardly ever had a fight, disagreement or argument. Then he started an emotional affair with his coworker. I had no idea - I didn't imagine he was capable of such a thing. Suddenly - from one week to the next- he didn't want to have sex with me, but we still spent a lot of time together. I thought he was having a lot of stress and work and that was causing him to be distant and not affectionate. Guess what? He was stressed because he wanted to leave me and run off with his coworker! Even after he did that, he still lied to my face about it. When I confronted him with the cold truth he denied it! (of course his excuse was that he didn't want to hurt me) And this is a man who values honesty and believes himself to be a loyal, honest guy. He still does!
Why am I telling you this? Because you seem to think because you are nice to each other that things are fine. That because you are friends and kind to each other and not fighting and screaming that you should continue along these lines.
I don't know what is the truth in your relationship. I can only tell you that something is wrong, and it doesn't sound like you continuing to be "nice" is going to help.
Perhaps if when I first saw the signs I got myself together more quickly and started focusing on myself, my needs and bettering myself I could have prevented my H from running off with OW. Maybe not. Maybe the affair chemicals were so strong that nothing could have stopped it.
But I do regret continuing to be extra nice and loving to my H while he was having an affair! I didn't know what was going on, I only saw his distance. So I tried being extra loving. I chased him. Did it help or hurt? Maybe it had no effect. But I feel so stupid now for that time when I was extra caring and nice while he was planning to leave me. I wish I had realized what was going on and took the focus off him. I wish when he first started to be distant I just left on vacation, or changed my habits and stopped having dinner ready for him when he came home late from the office, not given him a back massage after his "stressful day at work" flirting with his coworker.
Do you see yourself in any of this? Read the stories of others on here, see what they struggled with and how much better things get when you take the focus off the WAS and start to get a life for yourself. Maybe it won't win her back. If not, there is probably nothing you could have done. But at least you will maintain your sanity.
Just to repeat what others said, focusing on yourself does not mean you should be angry, rude, cold. You just step back. Stop chasing. Focus on yourself. You can still smile, be friendly, be kind. But don't buy gifts, call all day, ask where she is going or what she is doing. Be polite but not doting.
Good post, Lisa. 76, it's not easy sharing painful memories, but that is one of the reasons these folks here are so supportive. They either have been in those shoes or experiencing it now.
I hope you will stick with us, b/c you need people who understand what you are going through. FWIW, after I ended my A, it was a long time before I wanted any love making with my H. It took months to get OM out of thoughts, especially at night b/c that is when things would get quite and still. Without the help I was receiving from the board, there is no telling how long it would have continued.
It can happen, and the two of you can have a healthy MR again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2 you've made some really great points. I will re-read the rules & figure out the extent that I should apply each of them.
I'm not sure if I didn't explain our SL properly in my prior posts. We did have a great SL for the first few years, over time it decreased to a couple of times per week (which I think is normal for most couples) near the end it was 1 time a week & then every other week etc. etc. (Side note) Looking back on our R she's always made a point of telling me how I was lucky that we had sex as often as we did because she knows of other friends that are only intimate 1 time per month. It almost seems like in her mind sex is a gift she's giving to me!?!
She said she entered the EA after she noticed her desire for me starting to change not before. Maybe this is just an excuse so she doesn't hurt me further. I'm really not sure if her lack of desire led to the EA or if the EA led to the end of our intimacy!?!
I continued to apply the rules( the best I could) over the weekend, no pursuing, no gifts, no initiating intimacy, I let her suggest a date night etc. We spent the weekend camping with family & at one point she pulled me aside and asked again if everything was OK & mentioned that she could tell that I was distancing myself. I said I was & that I was focusing on myself. (not sure I should have said this is in fact what I was doing?) but again she did seem to be more affectionate, she seems to be the one making the effort to hold hands, kiss, snuggle etc.
I know I'm all over the map here but I've got another question, first a little background.
My W and I like to travel as often as we can, last Nov. we ended up going to Vegas. W said she was hopeful this would help us reconnect somehow. This was prior to me finding out about her EA, but knowing full well that we were having our issues. Things seemed good, relaxed etc. (or at least she was able to make is seem like "life was good") even though she was full bore into her EA. I also know that she was contacting OM throughout our holiday, maybe that's why she was enjoying herself so much.
Fast forward to April...we took another trip to Vegas, W has assured me EA is over & she was done communicating with OM. It was 4 days of no stress, no responsibilities, we seemed to be able to leave our issues at home. During the trip we seemed to reconnect on some levels, there were no awkward silences or moments of uneasiness, I would say it helped us take a step forward. To my knowledge no contact with OM. Of course when we got back to the real world things "cooled" again which I think is to be expected. To me holidays are an escape from reality, you do things you typically don't do, you have stimulation that you're not used to, distractions that you don't get in your daily life etc. I think that's what makes them special. We take summer holidays together each Aug, typically for two weeks, we've done this for the last 10-12 years. We've been talking about it again for the last while but yesterday I told W I didn't think it was a good idea. She was surprised & a little shocked by this to say the least. When she asked "why not?" I told her it was because I want to be absolutely sure that our relationship is where we both want it to be. Also, although I didn't tell her this, I am trying not to be naïve to the fact that there's still a possibility that W is hung up on OM.
I feel that on our first trip in Nov. I was totally duped into believing that there was a chance that things may get better when in reality there was no way that it was going to happen. In April I felt that things actually improved, although this is assuming that EA is actually done & OM isn't on her mind. I'm trying to apply a few of the "steps" but my question is am I wrong to say 'no' to a holiday until I know our relationship has been completely mended or is it possible that I'm missing an opportunity for us to work on "us"?
What a rollercoaster! Had a good weekend as prev. mentioned. W seemed to be coming around a little, but yesterday & today she seems to be more distant again. she said gave me a kiss & said "I love you" on the way out the door this A.M. but it didn't seem like there was any enthusiasm in her voice. I keep telling myself to follow the rules, but it sure is hard. I want to text her, I don't want to feel the anxiety that I'm experiencing, I can't get out of my mind that maybe we are taking steps backwards. Can Anyone recommend any "exercises" that seem to work for them to help get over these feelings? Or is it just something to suffer through for now & believe that it will get easier?
We take summer holidays together each Aug, typically for two weeks, we've done this for the last 10-12 years. We've been talking about it again for the last while but yesterday I told W I didn't think it was a good idea. She was surprised & a little shocked by this to say the least. When she asked "why not?" I told her it was because I want to be absolutely sure that our relationship is where we both want it to be. Also, although I didn't tell her this, I am trying not to be naïve to the fact that there's still a possibility that W is hung up on OM.
I think that was an excellent answer!
It's too early to know if she still has OM in her head. I would believe she does quicker than not, simply b/c of the time it takes to get over an EA. By August? Who knows? She, of course, will want to continue with the vacations...and will guilt you by using the kids. It's a tough call.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am sort of waiting on the "guilt trip" to begin, although it hasn't started yet. We have no kids, so she can't use that card, but she certainly loves her holidays & I'm sure it will start eating at her sooner or later. When I told her my decision she commented that she felt like the pressure was on. Maybe she's starting to realize that I'm serious about things & am not will to wait for everything to happen on her watch. I guess we'll wait and see.
as I mentioned in my prev. post yesterday my morning started out with W seeming a little "off" again. When I got home from work she was getting ready to meet her girlfriends for dinner. I told her I was taking the dog for a walk & she said she was short on time but wanted to walk with me at least as far as the end of the street. We chatted a bit & when we reached the end of the street she gave me a kiss and said she had to run. I told her to have fun & that I'd see her whenever she got home. I didn't ask when she'd be home or even to let me know if she was going to be late as I'd normally do. About 5 minutes later she sent me a text, it simply said "P.S. I love you" When W got home we talked & snuggled for a bit before bed. I should mention that she is staying in the spare room on weeknights & we share the master bedroom on weekends. This has been the case since she moved back in. It was her suggestion more than mine. Anyways, last night around midnight, she wakes me up, tells me she misses me and wants to know if I mind if she spends the night. I have to admit this was a good feeling, but don't know if it was a great idea that I let her stay!?! Any thoughts on this? Also, I feel that she is definitely running the show when it comes to sleeping arrangements, also, this isn't the first time she's crawled in on an "unscheduled" night. I have no doubt that she'll be back in the spare room again tonight. So, should I be telling her to decide what she wants, either stay with the program or move back into bed on a full time basis?? I don't really think its fair that she's able to do whatever she wants just because she's feeling a specific way on any given day!
