I will continue on the path - solo and be the rock for my kids. It is hard, lonely, tiring, but it is what it is.
At least I have a roof over my head, two amazing kids, a great career, a newish car, health insurance, etc.... All of these things to be grateful for and I am. I really really am.
I havent read your entire thread yet but I believe you mentioned somewhere that this seems like midlife crisis to you. MLC is my sitch too. I'm also getting lots of talk that I always controlled things that were actually joint decisions. Whateves. Trying to remind myself he's just crazy right now.
I say if you get time with the kids and she chooses not to take time with the kids, you're the one winning that situation. The kids will remember someone was there for them and you will have all the precious memories.
Stay strong. Hopefully our spouses will come back to their senses eventually.
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
So you are going through this too eh? Isn't it weird? So much of the same stories in MLC. It really is a script...word...for....word... My fave is "You don't get to call the shots anymore!"
Each end of year we get so many requests for money as thank you gifts for teachers, teachers assistants, room parents, assistants, coaches, afterschool staff etc... etc...
This year, I just can't do it, finances have been cut in half thanks to my situation. I am sweating paying the mortgage, taxes, etc...
Call from W this morning asking me to put $20 into S9's pants for room parent gift. I asked is this $20 each? And spew mode commenced "I paid for all the room parent gifts, teacher gifts, etc....!!!!! I didn't ask you for a dime!!!"
I calmly said "Thanks for the clarification" and "talk to you later" "Bye" and hung up.
All of this money donated is on a voluntary basis. I just don't have it this year. W skipped out on mortgage and all of the bills as she took off.
I will not be contributing due to "I just can't afford it".
I wont tell her that and that will be that.
Any other way I could have avoided this spew or just continue to not take any bait?
Heavy, I'm still reading through your whole story, I'm up to mid-March. So far it really sounds like mlc to me, though I am a complete non-expert. The good news I'm trying to tell myself is that the more crazy I hear from my H, the more likely this is mlc that means sometime there will be at least a partial recovery.
Also trying to see for myself how many things I used to over-react to and be very upset about that now, just a few months later, I can calmly accept as a new reality. I see growth in you too from your first posts to where I am in your story. We're new to this, you and I, and we will heal little pieces at a time. We will vent to our friends here and not to our spouses. And we will count our many blessings that if a relationship challenge is the worst thing that ever happens to us, then we both won the Life Lottery, cuz thank heavens our children are healthy. Hope that does not sound patronizing....it's the peptalk I give myself and it seems to help me. I can get overwhelmed with pessimism when I don't see solutions.
Hugs!
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
Each end of year we get so many requests for money as thank you gifts for teachers, teachers assistants, room parents, assistants, coaches, afterschool staff etc... etc...
This year, I just can't do it, finances have been cut in half thanks to my situation. I am sweating paying the mortgage, taxes, etc...
Call from W this morning asking me to put $20 into S9's pants for room parent gift. I asked is this $20 each? And spew mode commenced "I paid for all the room parent gifts, teacher gifts, etc....!!!!! I didn't ask you for a dime!!!"
I calmly said "Thanks for the clarification" and "talk to you later" "Bye" and hung up.
All of this money donated is on a voluntary basis. I just don't have it this year. W skipped out on mortgage and all of the bills as she took off.
I will not be contributing due to "I just can't afford it".
I wont tell her that and that will be that.
Any other way I could have avoided this spew or just continue to not take any bait?
I wish I had an answer on that. I'm new to boundary setting and how to lovingly detach and all that crud I still think I shouldn't have to bother to do.
I do have another divorce in my past, from a starter M with one kid. In the beginning I'd get quite upset over each outrageous thing he did...even though I knew he was a complete reprobate. But, I healed a little every day and over time cared less and less about any of the things he said or decisions he made. He had little contact with our kid, plenty of blame for me, and my kid is a grown up now and I got all the precious memories.
Sounds to me like yer W wants to tell you to get lost in one conversation and be a complete partner with her in the next, coordinating gifts, etc. If you were in a new M, you and your new W would decide on teacher gifts, not yer XW. Let us hope this does not end up becoming the case, but it seems to me that you could say, "The kids and I have already made our plans for teacher gifts this year. Thank you for considering including us in your plans. That was thoughtful. Please go ahead with whatever works for you. Thanks!"
When we are happy and ok, it makes our mlc spouses have to think. It makes them mad, too, but I think that's because they really, really want us to be the enemy. We'll do our best to make that a difficult thing to frame.
Hugs!
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
One thing that has helped me a lot when I get upset H does not spend time with the kids....I keep a calendar of the time he spends with them. If you track the times she doesn't show up to events, doesn't want to bother to go to something, asks you to take the kids when it was her time with them...,etc....all of that is useful to the court to see how involved your W chooses to be when she has full freedom to take as much time and involvement as she wants.
Hopefully this won't lead to full D for either of us, but, in the short term, it helps me keep from getting upset. Cuz, honestly, I get so hurt that if he wants to take the kids somewhere I'm upset he's taking them from me and if he leaves them with me I'm upset he's choosing not to spend time with them. I'm obviously being irrational right now about this. The calendar helps.
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
Heavy, I just want to say you are a very strong woman for having dealt with all this pain for so long. I see you as an example for how to handle a WW. I wish I had advice for your situation, but I'm still floundering myself.
Hang in there...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
K, I just saw in another post you said something about your son recovering from chemotherapy in the past. So sorry for that. I hope he is doing well now and my post about healthy children was not insensitive.
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
So far it really sounds like mlc to me, though I am a complete non-expert. The good news I'm trying to tell myself is that the more crazy I hear from my H, the more likely this is mlc that means sometime there will be at least a partial recovery.