(Posting this here as I got no responses in the separated now what forum)
I somehow found my way back here after being off here and single for the past several years.
I was with my daughter's father from 2008 to 2012 and when my daughter was 3, we split for a year.
It was *insanely* hard, but we both had our issues, trauma from our pasts, and didn't know each other long before getting pregnant/having a baby together (we never married). So lots of stressors.
We tried therapy, but we were both so naive then -- really we were just exhausted.
By the time I started getting the hang of single parenting and getting out and meeting new people, dating, doing a life-coach training program, and just doing much better, my ex wanted back.
And I'll admit I took him back for the wrong reasons. I felt I was doing well and going in a positive direction, but I did miss him, did long to have our family intact, did need the financial help, and just another adult around, etc.
The reconciliation didn't last long -- August 2012 we tried to Feb 2013 when he moved back in -- he stayed here until September of that year, when I ended up begging him to move out -- we were back to constant fighting. And this time, I think he even put an ad up online and dated. He stopped coming home at night. And I was struggling with my health. He got set off by the same financial triggers. And not much had changed.
He was determined, though. He said he wasn't leaving this time -- that we'd make it work; but I just wasn't seeing the "work" on his end. And I felt like all my own good work when we were apart went down the drain and I was this ugly, raging, bitch of a person again (who I feel like when I'm with him).
This last separation was TERRIBLE -- he didn't pay child support for a year, I lost all my money taking care of our daughter (on the autism spectrum) and me (lyme) and lost my job. So it was a crazy storm that kept going.
I am now filing for bankruptcy, having to move out of our apartment (the one constant that we have been here all this time) because I found mold (which could also explain a lot of our current health issues) and my ex just dropped 25 hours of parenting time a month (basically all his weekly visits) and 30 overnights a year to take a new job in NYC.
I still struggle with income, health, our daughter (who will be starting K this year -- finally!) And when I asked him to update our child support b/c of all his dropped parenting time, he started threatening full-custody and to take me to court over other things (We've never been to court -- but we did mediation twice).
Backing up -- after he moved out nearly 2 years ago (the second time) we have been "okay" co-parents. Mostly because I lead with a lot of kindness and push a lot of stuff aside. I have come to accept that he is never going to be a really involved father, always hassle me about $ and our daughter's needs (She needed OT 2 years ago and still doesn't get the support she needs b/c he won't pay and I'm maxed out).
But in the spring of this year (around March), he started making passes at me. Totally out of the blue! Very unexpected. I know he was dating someone for a while -- I have been on lots of first dates, but no boyfriends. But he would just do things like come to my house and help my daughter with something in our room (we share a room) and then end up in my bed. Or he'd ask if he could come back after dropping her off because he "forgot something" -- one time he came by and she wasn't here and he tried to hug me. (Which is what he did the first attempt at reconciliation).
I was finally able to talk to him about this b/c we had a long car ride to our daughter's specialist. And he tried holding my hand -- in the car. And I was like, "Look. I am not sure what you're after here but I can tell you, that I need you to be vulnerable and tell me."
And he was like, "I am being vulnerable."
Hm.
So I was like, "Well can you tell me what you want?"
And he couldn't. I tried. He wouldn't say the words.
So I was finally like, "Well I can tell you what I want. I want a husband, a partner, a commitment. I'm not interested in anything casual."
And he sort of suggested he didn't know but couldn't we "just see" (and I'm reading this as he just wants to have sex b/c he's horny and lazy.)
So I was like "I'm not interested in casual sex."
And he was like, "What is casual about sex."
But never really getting to it. Unless that was it. He did just want sex.
Prior to that, he'd also sent me an email one day telling me he was mailing me pajamas b/c the ones I'd been wearing (sometimes I had them on when he came to get our daughter) were looking a little ragged and while he liked "being able to see your breasts through your pajamas" here, they are coming to your house.
So after that conversation, I returned the PJs in the Nordstrom box to him and said something like "Use the money on our daughter." I had also said I wasn't wearing PJs from an ex-boyfriend around my future husband.
And since then we haven't spoken about it. He's just sent me a ton of nasty emails about how I "failed" our daughter. And he's taking her full-time (this was triggered by my recent requests for more child support, etc).
So here's what I can use help with:
1. There are times when I think I just get weak and think it would be "so much easier" if we just got back together and worked on things. I can use some perspective on this.
2. I need to move on from this -- I think I have, but I feel like he and I still have no resolution. But I guess I'm not going to get any.
3. I have been single for 2 years and only liked 2 out of like 50 guys! And then both of them ended things with me. I'm still doing my work, and I did just recently meet someone (not sure where it'll go). But part of me has this recurring thought like "They are all just the same. I'll be doing this work with someone else eventually anyway. Why not do it with the person I have history with and a child with."
4. I think part of this is trauma talking -- I was abused when I was younger. I had a narcissistic father. I think my ex is a narcissist (at times) and I really just need to close the door on ever thinking about him as an option.
Any thoughts insights shares appreciated. Thank you for reading. Sorry so long!
I think there's more I need to say here. After I wrote the above post I realized some things.
-- it's time for me to move on. I mean, literally I have to move from this apartment, which is less than a mi from where my ex lives. He works in NYC (we are in NJ), and I know the minute we move, he will move closer to the city -- if not directly into the city.
And I think I'm just really dreading that and putting it off. Like it will "finally be over" -- finally time to let go.
So I can't move. And I stay. And we've gotten sick from the mold in this apartment (we've lived here 6 years).
I still have this active fantasy, that we can have another baby. That I can get my new career underway finally. That he and I can work on our stuff. That we can live in or near NYC -- together. And be a family.
And I'm having a super crazy hard time letting go of that even though EVERYONE around me thinks he is SUCH an a**hole.
I guess I get scared by his threats (taking her full custody) and his selfish-ness (not paying child support for a year, not paying for her OT when she needs it, blaming me for thinking she's on the spectrum -- even though her specialist wrote this as her dx and she has the labs to prove it) and his immaturity.
But I also see this as his learned behavior. How he knows to behave. It just doesn't really work on me anymore.
I know what he's put us through, and yet I can also take responsibility for what *I put us through* -- and my flaws.
I know he was raised by a single abusive mom and chose to medicate himself rather than work through his past.
I know he's scared and so he behaves like a threatened animal.
And I know I "deserve better" and he is not a safe person to turn my heart over to.
But I think I still get stuck on feeling like -- don't we all have our sh*t? Which is where I kind of start to spin and go -- should I? Should I try again? Or just walk.
But I think I still get stuck on feeling like -- don't we all have our sh*t? Which is where I kind of start to spin and go -- should I? Should I try again? Or just walk.
I think before you do anything you should fix all your own STUFF.
I think you need to learn about detachment and letting go.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm sorry you're here ESN. But you're definitely in a good place for support. The people on these forums are the most caring & supportive people you'll ever meet. Detaching is hard, but not impossible. For me, it's a conscious choice I make every day. Every day I have to tell myself not to text or call. Not to initiate. When H calls or texts, I have to remind myself to stay focused, be friendly like a neighbor but not over sharing. I don't answer every call or respond to every text. After all, I'm a busy woman! Focus on you & your daughter. Time is a gift, use it to better yourself, find your own happiness & GAL!
I do have to ask why haven't you gone to the courts about the child support? He is the father & needs to help financially care for his child. If you have a child support agreement, enforce it. If you don't have an agreement, get one. You can talk to child services or the legal aid office. Your daughter shouldn't suffer because of his selfishness. And don't stress over his custody threats. In my opinion, until he does something, they are just words meant to scare & intimidate you. Be strong & be the best mom you can be. He would have to prove a lot to a court to take her from you & he would have to admit not paying support which isn't going to be in his favor. He knows how to scare you & push your buttons. Don't play his game.
Good luck sweetie. You have lots of support here so keep posting.
M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y S17,D13 D12 IC 11/2014 BD 4/16/15 H home 6/25/15 OW2 EA 6/26/15 MC started 7/22/15 Baby stepping....
