Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Does anyone else think that my W sleeping in her children's bed every night is odd, or is it just me? I am just as happy to choose my battles and not pick a fight.
RAI- I didn't weigh in on this earlier today because in my house, my daughters have been firmly entrenched in my bed ever since their father left. So, naturally, I guess I don't view it as abnormal or odd - but that's because it's my reality. At least for now(I'm hoping when they go visit their paternal grandmother this summer, we will have the opportunity to adjust).
That being said - it's my kids insistence, not mine, that has led to this circumstance.
I don't mind when my kids come into my bed. In fact I appreciate it more now than ever. I also don't mind if they go to my Ws bed. In fact, I think co-sleeping in a parent's bed is a fine arrangement - no problems with it. In some cultures it is even the norm.
HOWEVER, My beef is that WW is going into the the kids bed. that is what I find odd. it's one thing to fall asleep in your child's bed from time to time. But nightly? I am not so sure.
I may be off here, but this is just my opinion from what I have experienced and done myself.
When I began to set boundaries I used them incorrectly. I would set a boundary and feel good about it and then look for the next situation to apply it too. Its very easy to incorrectly use a boundary as a way to control the situation instead of its real purpose.
To me, you already stated you don't have an issue with them sleeping in the same bed, just which bed. If it were about the attachment it would be about the sleeping, not where they sleep.
It helps to question ourselves at times and see where our motivation comes from. Is this something that really bothers you, or are you just bothered by the entire situation and finding small outlets to control things. Boundaries are very misunderstood at times, and easily done wrong.
If it were me personally, I would leave this alone for now.
Last edited by Fogg; 05/31/1511:47 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Point taken. That is precisely why I poll my esteemed DBers. I really value your opinion. When I think about a boundary, I ask myself: how is the proposed boundary supposed to protect me. And, you are right, it does not protect me to ask W to stop going sleeping in the kids bed. It would just be vindictive. The behavior truly does bother me for a number of reasons - but I can transcend it.
Did you ever notice how many DBers don't go to the bathroom without analyzing it, yet our WWs do everything without any thought whatsoever, or out of pure emotion without reasoning? We really suffer from analysis paralysis sometimes.
Here is the article by MWD about what to tell the children. I hope she does not mind me reproducing it here. I think it is completely open access. Cadet, feel free to remove if you feel it is a violation of rules.
Quote:
Kids, Your Father Wants a Divorce
5/7/15
No one, especially not parents, takes the decision to divorce lightly. Most people flounder in their marriages for long periods of time and question themselves endlessly before throwing in the towel.
The last thing parents want to do is to hurt their children. That's why when it comes time to break the news to the kids, people want guidelines to help minimize the pain. That's when they turn to the experts.
Most advice is sound- don't talk about divorce unless you're certain it's going to happen, remind the kids the divorce isn't their fault and that they will be taken care of and loved by both parents, outline the ways in which their lives will change and/or remain the same and don't burden them unnecessarily with details and so on.
However, there is a consensus among professionals about a particular piece of advice with which I vehemently disagree.
It goes like this- When breaking the news to the kids, parents should always present a united front. Regardless of the reasons for the divorce, parents are instructed to say that it is a decision made by both of them.
Really?
The truth is that most divorces in our country are unilateral decisions- one person wants out and the other desperately wants to keep the marriage and family together.
In the rare situation where both partners are equally motivated to end their marriage, a united front makes sense.
But when two parents are at odds about the viability of their relationship and tell the children that it is a mutual decision, it is a flat-out lie.
There are several problems with lying to your children.
First, kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for.
If they don't recognize there's a discrepancy between their parents' views of divorce at the time the news is announced, eventually, they will. And then they will know that their parents lied, not exactly the world's best legacy.
Parents generally preach the importance of honesty. Research tells us that the axiom, "Actions speak louder than words," is an accurate description of the way kids actually learn life's lessons from their parents.
They do as we do, not as we say. Furthermore, when they figure out the truth, which they will, they will feel deceived. No one wants that for our children.
Secondly, it is frequently the case that the parent who desperately wants to save the marriage places the utmost value on not being a quitter in life, of staying the course even when things aren't easy. When tough situations arise in their children's lives, these parents have encouraged them to stick things out despite the fact that dropping out might be easier or more fun.
To the parent who prizes stick-to-it-tive-ness, presenting a united front about the dissolution of the marriage defies every bone in his or her body; it's disingenuous. It just can't be done.
That said, presenting something less than a united front can be tricky. It can lead to a labyrinth of blame and counter-blame. It can tempt the spouse who wants out to justify the choice by explaining the source of unhappiness with the other partner, which is too much information for children.
Plus, things can escalate from there.
Children may be inclined to take sides or feel the need to be emotional caretakers for the parent who seems sad or angry about the marriage ending.
In order to avoid these unfortunate outcomes, how can two people with opposing goals and visions for the future talk to their children about their impending divorce?
The fact is, there is no perfect solution to this dilemma.
But why not consider the following. Parents could tell their children that they have been fighting a lot lately and disagreeing on many things, including what should happen with their marriage.
Nonetheless, since it takes two people to want to make a marriage work, they are going to _____(divorce/separate). There is no need to go into detail about why one person wants out and the other doesn't.
Then, the couple could shift the conversation to emphasize those things about which they do agree- (this is where one inserts what conventional wisdom suggests)- that they love their children, and the children are not to blame for the divorce, a description of the plan for their future, and so on.
Telling the truth to children is by no means a panacea for the pain they will feel about the disruption in their lives due to their parents' divorce. But it goes a long way to setting a positive precedent for honest and open parent-child communication.
William Shakespeare once wrote, "No legacy is so rich as honesty."
The behavior truly does bother me for a number of reasons - but I can transcend it.
Did you ever notice how many DBers don't go to the bathroom without analyzing it, yet our WWs do everything without any thought whatsoever, or out of pure emotion without reasoning? We really suffer from analysis paralysis sometimes.
RAI
I understand what you mean. I guess I shouldn't have used the word bother in this case. Our S's having an A bother us also but we cant just make a boundary that says "You cant have an affair". I've just realized in past I would more often than not be using boundaries wrong and using it to control without knowing. So I question myself as much as possible and the control aspect of it.
The way it see it now is that boundaries are for us more than them. For instance, one of my biggest boundaries that has helped me the most W doesn't even know about. My boundary was "I will not have conversations with W about OM". Since I was the one who always steered conversations into talking about him that boundary was nearly fully on me. Its been successful since I started having control over myself.
Another boundary I have is not accepting blatant disrespect from W, which for the most part doesn't happen anymore at all. I do get small bits of frustration or attitude, but its very minor and I don't react to it. In the past when she would be disrespecting me to my face I would just calmly say "I don't disrespect you when we speak I would appreciate the same treatment" and go back to what I was talking to her about or doing.
I definitely think we over analyze everything, were confused with whats happening and looking for answers. For them, I think they are so focused on that pursuit of being happy, be it with OM or alone, that they may no longer care whats happening with us. The other possibility is that they have such a powerful urge to prove what they are doing as right they cant show they are questioning it.
At the end of the day its all mindreading, they might think about everything, they might not. We just cant tell for sure and it also doesn't matter much for what we have to be doing at the time.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
My best friend came by and told me he's getting a divorce. He's an Orthopedic Surgeon, graduated first in his class from a high ivy (HYP), is handsome and seemed to have a perfect life. 4 kids (3,5, 6 & 9). Perfect life, beautiful wife and beautiful children. Come to find out, he's dealing with the exact same thing most of us are dealing with. He's done all the wrong things. I gave him my copy of DB and filled him in about what he should be doing right now. My heart started sinking as he told me his story (much worse than my own). I was in his wedding the year before he was in my own. I'm stunned and shocked right now. For some reason, his story reminded me of your sitch. Hope you're doing well! I don't have a lot of time to post... too busy GALing and enjoying summer with the kids. Just wanted to pop in and say "Hi!"
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
