Hey hope, hang in. Difficult times but you'll be ok.
I understand things take time, but I'll tell you how I'd be handling things if I were in your shoes. Realize it's taken me a while to get here, I don't expect you to feel this way, but maybe it would help to hear an objective view.
The entire first paragraph is irrelevant. Your M is over. Your W is gone. You need to remove her from any part of your emotional life. Look, my STBX agreed to go back to work 9 months ago and hasn't. I'm paying support for the children which isn't enough to cover all the bills, so maybe she's getting help from her family. I don't know. Meanwhile she's living in the house, and I have all three of my children in one bedroom in an apartment while I'm working a super high intensity job. No, it's not right...but it's short term. In a year I'll buy a new house, and she'll eventually have to go back to work and reality will catch up. Or not. In the end we all get what we make for ourselves. There are plenty of people out there with money they don't deserve living in ways that aren't righteous. What's one more? Let her have her own path, just take care of yourself.
For the mediation, I have it coming up and I have a lawyer. There is no rule that you can't have representation, and when it comes to children and huge financial settlements I don't know why you wouldn't get one. The "I can't afford a L" line doesn't make sense because you can get good representation for a couple of thousand, meanwhile the difference in settlement can add up to six figures over the years. As for not wanting to 'escalate' the situation, I wouldn't worry about that, if the only way to keep things calm is to be a sucker than forget about it. There are ways you can hire a L and explain that in a non-threatening way. If your W tweaks and 'uses it against you' to her friends/family/OM good for her.
Cliff notes- do what you need to do, and don't let your emotions about her run your day or influence your decisions. Would you let the crush you had in the third grade take your children away, or ruin your life? Time to demote her to 'ex' and take care of yourself. Her choice, not yours.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Re housing, Zeus you said that for now your three kids are staying in one bedroom. I'm considering sale of our house, as there's some appeal in downsizing in size and mortgage. I'm wondering what experiences have been with others that have moved to a smaller residence, with young kids involved; mine are boys age 9 & 6.
Me44 WAW44 T22 M13 S10 S6 BD Aug 2014 PA Dec 2014;OM is divorcing,one D4, one S due Feb 2015 with Stbx wife OM moves in with WAW Jan 2015 WAW file divorce Mar 2015 50/50 custody settled July 2015
Well, currently I have them 4/14 nights. This will hopefully change to 6/14 by fall, and 7/14 next summer. But next summer I hope to get something bigger. So for one year we can handle a lot.
It isn't ideal. My son is 11, for him to share a room with two younger sisters deprives all of them of privacy, but I feel he'd benefit from it. But right now they're doing ok with it.
Ultimately I'm not too worried. I actually see the benefit of them staying close as a family right now, being humble and minimalistic, and being appreciative of what we do have.
Not sure that answers much, but really everything is going just fine. Now that you mentioned it it's pretty amazing how well everyone is doing. That's not denial, we have our setbacks. But the world isn't crumbling, and in fact we're closer than ever.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Answering interrogation questions from her lawyer today. Makes me ill. Another nail in the coffin. While I'm doing this, she invites me to watch youngest son take swim lesson at her new house where OM is living with her. What the heck do I say to that? I can't go - I'll be at work. I don't even like going to the driveway of the house, much less going in the house. & I certainly don't want to interact with OM. Does the WAS tend to be clueless how much this has hurt the LBS and understand how I don't want to hear about her new house?
Me44 WAW44 T22 M13 S10 S6 BD Aug 2014 PA Dec 2014;OM is divorcing,one D4, one S due Feb 2015 with Stbx wife OM moves in with WAW Jan 2015 WAW file divorce Mar 2015 50/50 custody settled July 2015
Hi Hope, I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough day. Deep breaths and calm, honest answers - you'll get through this.
"Does the WAS tend to be clueless how much this has hurt the LBS and understand how I don't want to hear about her new house?"
Yes and no would be my answer to your question above. I think a number of things go on for WAS:
Justification - Oh, LBS was so awful, I just had to do this.. Compartmentalisation - Oh, the kids aren't really affected by that. Denial - Of the wrongness of deciding to cheat rather than being brave enough to resist and try and work on the M. Minimisation - Oh, LBS won't be that upset about my A. It will probably improve the M.
It doesn't really suit the WAS to face the hurt they have caused. If they face it, this will be a dent in the shiny new car on the greener grass. The WAS likes to believe that it will all be cotton candy and popsicles. So, your W may have convinced herself - Oh AP is so great, the kids will love him and he and H will get along just great and so on. Of course reality can often be rather different to that.
I sometimes see posts where the AP has contacted the LBS, and the WAS has said - it's so great you guys are in touch....but the LBS is fuming about it, you know?
Hang on in there hope - you're doing great
Last edited by Toots; 06/14/1507:50 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
How do deal with friends continuing on with their relationship with WAS as though all is ok, sending their kids over to her new house, etc. They likely don't know details, but again - no consequences. It's as though I'm the only one disgusted with her behavior.
Me44 WAW44 T22 M13 S10 S6 BD Aug 2014 PA Dec 2014;OM is divorcing,one D4, one S due Feb 2015 with Stbx wife OM moves in with WAW Jan 2015 WAW file divorce Mar 2015 50/50 custody settled July 2015
OM did email me early on, saying WAS knew all about his past and will know all about his future (blech! they're like high schoolers), how he wouldn't say bad things about me in front of kids (how kind!), why can't we all get along, etc. I wrote him back saying too late - was a part of causing too much damage to my family and I had no respect for him.
In unrelated question, a fun day is coming up - our anniversary! Is that day an opportunity for any DBing or just let it go?
Me44 WAW44 T22 M13 S10 S6 BD Aug 2014 PA Dec 2014;OM is divorcing,one D4, one S due Feb 2015 with Stbx wife OM moves in with WAW Jan 2015 WAW file divorce Mar 2015 50/50 custody settled July 2015
So my WAS just invited me to her new house for father's day bbq & swim with OM and his kids & my in-laws. I can't make this stuff up.
Me44 WAW44 T22 M13 S10 S6 BD Aug 2014 PA Dec 2014;OM is divorcing,one D4, one S due Feb 2015 with Stbx wife OM moves in with WAW Jan 2015 WAW file divorce Mar 2015 50/50 custody settled July 2015
The wayward's fantasy has her literally plucking the husband out, and replacing him with the OM- like he'd always been there (I always picture the old TV show "Bewitched", where Dick York was replaced by Dick Sargent). In this beautiful fantasy, the new husband loves her kids like they were his own, and she his. What about the pesky ex-husband and wife? Well, they become friends of theirs. There's no resentment on anyone's part, and all is right with the world!
Only that rarely (if ever, really) happens. You see, your wife remembers your M as a disaster. You were inattentive, didn't understand her, didn't share interests with her, blah, blah, blah. The new guy? Why he's perfect! He "gets" her! What will happen, given time, is that Mr. perfect will show his true self. He'll become a selfish jerk with your W. I know he will, because he left his own wife the way he did. That's who he is. Your wife's fantasy of who she thinks he is will blow up in her face. When it does- they'll blow up as a couple.
I'd give them three months to two years. Given his former family situation- I'd bet on the shorter end of that timeline.
Hope ... I get that you are totally reeling here and all this seems to have gone pretty fast.
Juts read your entire thread ... its missing something, something pretty big. Where are you DBing?? Updates are great ... but so far all I have read is ranting about the house, the OM living there with your kids, her treating you as an outsider .... if you want to flip this ... you have to take the time you have been given to start making some changes because just sitting back griping about what she is doing is not going to make you an attractive choice.
Here is the blunt truth of where you are, your W has taken all that emotional stuff she held for you and basically transfered it to OM, all the good stuff, without much more thought of ... "oh this jacket looks much better on me" ... at this point she could care less aobut your feelings, she fired you as a H and hired OM to take that spot ...... FOR NOW
You need to work on you, she is going to do her thing and nothing you can do to control that .. you can control what you do. Be a better father when you do have the kids, GAL ... 180... PMA ... I trust you have the books ... READ THEM.
You need to find yourself and rebuild what has been torn down. You will have to start gaining some respect from your W if this is going to turn around ... as far as OM and the A .... yeah most likely not going to last, might even be a good thing he moved in as that will speed up the process, one has a hard time hiding what a douche they are when they have no where to hide. Might be weeks, months, years .... are you prepared to ride this out? If so ... you need to use this time to work on what you can ... YOURSELF.
