hold on! - 10

[u-turn]

New thread #10

Link to end of #9:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2568496#Post2568496

Thanks to everyone for your support and advice!

[u-turn]

I don't know what it is about me. I have clearly been wronged in this marriage. I am not saying that I couldn't have been a better husband, but I have not deserved this treatment.

I do not forsee anything getting better so now it comes to me pushing her out the door. I still feel that I want to give her my reasoning, so she understands my position.

Even though this is what I want now, I hope I will not regret this. This is really hard for me.

I am trying to predict how this interaction will go.

[Vanilla]

U turn

If you would like, this can be rehearsed here on the board. The good folks here will comment and advise.

V

[u-turn]

Well - I went for it. I told her that I want her to leave.

She is digging her heals in as I suspected she would. She says she is not leaving - that I am free to go. She is going to stay here with the kids. That I have the money to get my own place.

There was a lot of talk about blame - I owned my part, and she owned hers, but does not think that her part warrants her leaving.

Solutions?
I leave (and I look like the one that walked away from my family)

We sell the house and both go our separate ways - maybe this is best (except financially). I am not worried that I will not have my time with the kids. (she is trying to hold that over me).

Hope she sees that it is fair to me for her to leave (this is unlikely to happen).

Her parting words with me indicated that she thinks we are in the best possible situation right now. No marital solution, in house separation, she continues with what she's doing, I am free to do what I want.

I stayed calm, disagreed with her - but this went nowhere.

[u-turn]

She said that this has nothing to do with OM (though she said she loved him - grrrrg). She only realized things about herself because of him.

We do not have an open marriage, since we do not have a marriage.

She does still blame me for her affair - because I didn't trust her.

She still wants to act like a family - for the kids. She thinks this is best. Hates the fact that I cannot do this and says that I have pulled the kids away from her.

She really thinks we just grew apart and that is what she will tell the kids. (I told her that we didn't just grow apart and I didn't want to teach the kids that this is ok - she says it happens to people all the time)

Thinks I am weak for going to IC and that this is her (IC) fault that I am doing this.

She thinks that I am acting like a victim and making the kids believe that.

She says that I am just trying make this all my way (maybe that is true).

(I disagree with all of this) - I just told her to go live her life.

----

I think we are done talking for a while, but how do I explain to her that none of this has been fair for me or the kids, and these are the consequences to her actions? I don't know how to proceed with this - I am spinning - could use some advice.

[Zues126]

There is nothing to explain. If she's willing to break her marital vows by inviting a predatory third party into her life, ending the partnership that god gave the two of you to cherish, and destroying a family...I don't think telling her "this isn't fair" is going to turn her around.

You mentioned a lot of what she said during the conversation. Starsky has a lot of good talking points about 'truth darts', I think it would've been a good idea to basically tell her that's what she was doing, and that she could twist things and point blame on you, but she was 100% accountable for her choices and they were destroying a family and nothing you wanted any part of.

But that window is closed. The only question that matters at this moment is what you are going to do. How as a man are you going to respond to this threat to your family. You can't save the M, but you can protect yourself and your children.

And you have to accept that it's unlikely that she'll ever feel she was wrong on this one. When the day comes you can stop having imaginary conversations trying to make her understand you'll know you are well on your way to detachment.

Be strong and take care of yourself U.

[u-turn]

You mentioned a lot of what she said during the conversation. Starsky has a lot of good talking points about 'truth darts', I think it would've been a good idea to basically tell her that's what she was doing, and that she could twist things and point blame on you, but she was 100% accountable for her choices and they were destroying a family and nothing you wanted any part of.

Thank Zues - I in fact learned much here and did throw these truth darts at her. I did not sit quietly and listen to her (as I made it sound). I told her that this was happening because of her decisions. I did not make her have an affair - that was her decision. We ARE still married. That this is disrespectful to me and THE KIDS (she hated that one). and that this was not my idea to take apart our family this way.

This was the most that I have talked to her in a couple months, but none of this seemed to phase her.

I did learn (again) that there is no saving this marriage. We both know it, but she wants to continue with her path, she also does not want end the marriage. I don't care what she does, I just want her to do it away from here.

I don't know what my next move will be. I will likely push her some more.

Thanks zues

[u-turn]

There is nothing to explain. If she's willing to break her marital vows by inviting a predatory third party into her life, ending the partnership that god gave the two of you to cherish, and destroying a family...I don't think telling her "this isn't fair" is going to turn her around.

And I am not looking to turn her around. I would just like for her to go. I would like for her to see that it is fair for her to leave.

Is it best? I believe so, she does not.

[Zues126]

Great job U turn. You at least stood up for your beliefs and weren't afraid of her reaction. That's all you can do, and pretty impressive for month 4.

As for her, there is a reason she won't see eye to eye on what's fair. I don't know if you followed my last thread, but I had some interesting discussion about addiction and needs. I was saying when we have needs not being met, they really create powerful longings in us. When we find behavior that seems to meet those needs it is overpoweringly desirable. And since we believe ourselves to be good people, it's easy to rationalize our behavior. IE, I have emotional needs, you couldn't/wouldn't meet those needs, therefor it's your fault I had to go elsewhere, and whatever consequences occur from this new fulfilling relationship are really because you're defective. That's her stance. So to her, it is unfair that she should be inconvenienced because you failed her as an H.

Will that ever change? I could speculate that at some point when the new relationship breaks down and doesn't meet her needs she may bottom out, and at that point there is a chance that she finds healthier ways to do so, and at that point she may realize that it wasn't all your doing, that maybe she could've found a way to meet her needs without destroying her M. But that's a lot of speculation. The fact is that there are many alcoholics that die alcoholics, many lung cancer patients that smoke all the way to the grave, and so on. It's not a good idea to tether your happiness in life to someone else's ability to grow...in fact, that would be the opposite of growing yourself. Best to just have a moment of silence for your lost marriage and then keep moving on and letting go.

So in light of that- what can you do with a W that is in an open affair, insists that it's over forever, but refuses to move? I'd say put some time on the clock- maybe 6 months- and decide to detach, let her go, and leave the M behind. Do what you'd do if you were single with a roommate, and get yourself to a state of acceptance about your D. If in 6 months you have moved on and are truly at peace, in a positive spot for yourself, and she's still doing the same things...at that point you may decide to file yourself, move out and take your kids with you (at least half the time), and/or other necessary actions. But there is no hurry if you are detached. If you can't stomach the current situation that just means there is more detachment/growing/healing to do on your end (which there is), and you can do that in your home as easily as in another believe it or not.

And if you decide to give it some time, odds are that things will change before then. She might decide to move in with OM in two months, or they might break it off in three, or she might file on her own and try to evict you by falsifying abuse and filing charges, who the heck knows...but I don't think you'll ever regret looking back and knowing that you didn't make lifelong decisions for your family out of pain and reaction. I know 6 months of this sounds impossible, but it's not a lifetime, and there are things more important than your own immediate discomfort. As I said, one of them is getting to a point that it's not so disturbing because you have transcended the situation by working through the loss and dealing with the emotions that come from it.

So keep posting, keep reading, keep GAL, and start rebuilding the life you'd rebuild if she died, only right there in the same residence.

Good luck U!

[Vanilla]

Stay In the marital bedroom, do not leave your home. At minimum she should move out of the bedroom somewhere else. Stake your claim live in your home. Move her things from the MB slowly and gradually. Claim your space. If there is a second bathroom put her cosmetics etc there.

She will leave as long as you keep your boundary on no open R, and that you want her gone.

W is a WW. It is truly sad but necessary, record your interactions be firm and unemotional.

We are here for you. All my strength to you across the miles.

V