After acknowledging H has doubts he also brought up moving out. He said he feels terrible about the pain he is causing as he "unwinds" from his emotional affair and needs to see how it feels to move out. So scared he will just leave. That is not typical of him, but the space in between seems to stretch forever.
M:34 H:34 S:4 I love you's:2004 Married: 2008 BD: March 2015 EA revealed: May 2015
So true! I made that mistake when the first rays of light poked through. Thought it meant fast forward. I was starting to make the mistake again. This was perfect timing.
M:34 H:34 S:4 I love you's:2004 Married: 2008 BD: March 2015 EA revealed: May 2015
Hi Lynn, I try to divert the 'impatient about change' (in my sitch) feeling into 'impatient about my change.' So if I am feeling antsy, I get out my goals and look at how I am moving towards them. And what else can I do to get closer. Can I take a couple of steps right now and so on.
Feeling impatient for your sitch is understandable, but it is only you that suffers because you are hoping for something that you don't have control over. Might as well stick to those things you can control...
Best of luck with everything :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am the one who had the A in my marriage and I can tell you that your H is probably going to flip flop back and forth for a while. My H found out about my A within a month of it beginning and I told him it was 'just an ea' 'didn't mean anything' 'I wouldn't talk to him anymore", etc. It was all a lie. It felt so good to have someone care about me again and I wasn't willing to give it up but at the same time I didn't want to lose my H or my M. This went on for a long time (2-3 years)where we would start to work things out and things would seem better but I still wasn't fully committed because I didn't think he would forgive me and I didn't think it would be any better. He forgave me a second time when he found out I hadn't stopped contact with him and that it was a lot more than an EA. When my H would be ready to give up, I would tell him everything he wanted to hear and become a good partner again...for a few days or a few weeks and then, as soon as we were okay I would be back with OM. After we stopped sleeping together, I continued an EA with him for a while. Even when that ended, I could not fully commit to my H for a long time. I am not telling you this to scare you or discourage you. I wasn't lying when I told my H what he wanted to hear, I meant it, I wanted our M but I was so confused and I was scared to trust that it would be any different than before. I was afraid I would give up OM to go back to the same M we had before. I believe that most people who end up having an A never thought that they would do it but they end up feeling so lonely it happens. I am not saying it is right, I just think that is often the way it starts. It is hard to think about giving up what you have found because you feel alive again and you are afraid to go back to the way it was.
H and I ended up reconciling after several years of struggling and it wasn't until I really knew that he was done, finished, that I got my act together and worked on saving my M. (I was not having an active A that whole time but the aftermath of the one I had was long, ugly and painful).
I haven't read DR in a long time but it seems like she says "if your spouse is having an A or has stated they want a D you need to LRT". I may be wrong, I am away from my home for 2 months so I can't look it up. However, reading your story I do not see where the incentive is for your H to change his mind. Yes, he sees you being different, you are open to his advances when he makes them,you have great conversations but then you sit home while he goes to the bar or he leaves to go see OW. As long as he is involved with OW, you should not be having any relationship conversations. Yes, let him see you being different (not freaking out) but you want to be friendly and detached. He needs to respect you and he needs to know that you aren't just going to sit around and wait while he goes off with his EA.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
I needed to read what you wrote above. You have described my situation/your A to a T.
My W keeps telling me that she's ended the "EA", but then I find out she hasn't. She's still affectionate to me, even though she asked me to leave the house/said she wanted a separation on Sunday.
I moved to my parents house on Sunday evening. I saw W last night, and she hugged me, then kissed me a couple times. I didn't want to completely pull away from her, but I definitely wasn't completely into it either.
It's good to hear your description of what you were feeling at the time, because it provides some insight into what I'm dealing with.
Feeling impatient for your sitch is understandable, but it is only you that suffers because you are hoping for something that you don't have control over. Might as well stick to those things you can control...
Best of luck with everything :-)
Totally true! I realized it all stems from trying to control the sitch. That helped a lot as I am working on letting those go. Funny how it crops up everywhere! Can't thank you enough for posting.
M:34 H:34 S:4 I love you's:2004 Married: 2008 BD: March 2015 EA revealed: May 2015
I haven't read DR in a long time but it seems like she says "if your spouse is having an A or has stated they want a D you need to LRT". I may be wrong, I am away from my home for 2 months so I can't look it up. However, reading your story I do not see where the incentive is for your H to change his mind. Yes, he sees you being different, you are open to his advances when he makes them,you have great conversations but then you sit home while he goes to the bar or he leaves to go see OW. As long as he is involved with OW, you should not be having any relationship conversations. Yes, let him see you being different (not freaking out) but you want to be friendly and detached. He needs to respect you and he needs to know that you aren't just going to sit around and wait while he goes off with his EA.
Thanks for sharing. I am LRT for sure. I joined boot camp three days a week, go out with new friends once per week. He has noticed but not enough to want back in. I keep my 180s and do not pursue.
Tell me- in your situation were you hesitant to recommit because you still weren't feeling loved by your spouse? I would love to know more around what is happening in my H head. I know he is confused and scared. I know how good it feels to be wanted and needed and he wasn't feeling that way from me. I know he is scared I will revert to being negative and he is afraid it will get better for a short time and go south again. I also know he needs his time and I can't control it not wait it out.
M:34 H:34 S:4 I love you's:2004 Married: 2008 BD: March 2015 EA revealed: May 2015
I have a question for the guys whose wife has had an affair ( either EA or PA ). How and why did you forgive ?. I had an affair 8 years ago , we tried to work it out and even though I was not seeing the OM , I did not take what I had done seriously enough. We struggled for 3 or or so years and then he left, met someone else ( which is now over ) . I was devasted and time has really given me a perspective on how damaging and ugly my affair was. We are legally separated but not divorced and rarely talk. Is there anything I can do to make it better with him or is it too late.
