Trying to Follow DB & DR (3)

[rd500]

That's really tough , I'm sorry. Please do yourself a favour and start to DB We have all felt how you feel now. It stinks.

Time to follow the books for you. And maybe it might help you towards a health future R. Take care. Rd

[MrBond]

"I'm starting to think of going for the more aggressive one. "

Why? Do you feel like you want to stick it to her now?

"I got my paperwork. Her new address was on it. I went to see where she lived. She was just getting into the OM's car. I asked to talk about the cats."

So you confronted her in front of the OM? What did he do?

"She didn't want to talk. She asked me to leave. I told her I would but I would like to know why she filed when just the week before she said she hadn't".

Hadn't doesn't mean wouldn't.

"I asked what happened to our lunch. If I was supposed to call her, she said she got busy with work. I asked if she still wanted to do lunch. She said if there was a third person there, that with me showing up at her apt she was afraid to have lunch alone with me."

I know it's hard not to, but you shouldn't have confronted her there.

"She asked me to leave and I did.
Stick a fork in it... I think it's done."

Why? You can go ahead and criticize and make some other smart alec remark towards me, but I can tell you that your M can still be saved. That's from experience.

[Miman2]

She seems to have become less inclined to want to reconcile over time. Initially it seemed like a possibility, then a couple of weeks ago it was a distant maybe, and now it seems impossible for her to want to reconcile.

I think the more aggressive L would get the job done and he mentioned that I wouldn't even really need to be part of the process. I could try to draw things out but from the way she acted there doesn't seem to be much of a point to that. At this point it seems to me that the only way things could be saved would be for us to go several months if not years without interacting with each other. At that point we'll more than likely be in different states and time zones. So it might just be better to move on.

As for the OM. When I pulled up I heard her telling the OM to get in the car repeatedly. I ran to the drivers side (his side) and elbowed the door back open and talked across him the entire time. He didn't say a word, just stared at his feet the entire time as he sat in the drivers seat. The only time he said something is when I asked about the party she went to. He mentioned the theme and that the girls wanted to go to that theme. I didn't even acknowledge him. I told her how our friend was disappointed that she pretended not to see him, she claimed she waved and the OM mentioned "it was 1am!" as if that was too late to be talking to anyone at a party, again I ignored him.

I shouldn't have confronted her, I should have just drove by once I saw them. I thought she was going to be long gone by the time I went by.

[Fogg]

Miman, I could be wrong, but I feel like there's much more to this confrontation than your letting on. You already recognized it was a mistake, that's a good start, but learn from it so you don't make the mistake again.

Just looking at the situation from your W's perspective (and I'm only going off what you have said already) she sees you pull up, tries to get OM to get in the vehicle quickly. She either knows you are going to cause a scene, or is afraid. You RUN to the vehicle and physically hold the door open to speak with her. You speak across the OM and ignore his conversation, only focusing on her.

It seems to be a very tense situation. You say she asked you to leave, which was one of the first things you mentioned in the first post. How many questions did you ask her after she asked you to leave? Your first post and this second seem to show very different encounters.

I get the impression this confrontation didn't go as well as you want and you feel like its hopeless now. Either that or her filing made you feel that way and thought, what the hell, might as well confront them. It doesn't have to be the end, remember, things always get worse before they get better.

Of course this didn't help the situation, but this and even the D filing doesn't mean its the end. She doesn't see those changes yet, can you blame her after some of the recent encounters you both have had?

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know the desperation of just wanting it to end at times when it looks hopeless. If you want to save your M, don't end it, stand for as long as you can. You let go of the things you cant control, and you work on the parts of yourself that you can. You really do have alot of people trying to help you on here and explaining what you may not see, or at the very least don't see how to change yet.

The choice is yours, if you want it to end, then do it, but don't end it because of W.

[Miman2]

I guess I was trying to keep it brief. Yes it was very tense from the moment I pulled up. I'll try to stitch it back together. Red is new and blue and black are stitched from the other posts.

When I pulled up She was just getting into the OM's car. She saw me and then I heard her telling the OM to get in the car repeatedly.I asked to talk about the cats. She didn't want to talk. She asked me to leave. They started to get into the OM's car. I ran to the drivers side (his side) and elbowed the door back open and talked across him the entire time. I stood in front of the open door, arms crossed and didn't move from that position until I left. He didn't say a word, just stared at his feet the entire time as he sat in the drivers seat.I told her I would leave but I would like to know why she filed when just the week before she said she stated that I was still her husband, that she hadn't filed. She said she didn't love me anymore, she didn't want to work things out and that she had always intended on filing she just didn't have the money for it. Now with her second job she could afford it.I asked about her ring at some point. She asked if I wanted it back, I said yeah if she wasn't going to wear it. She said she'd mail it back.

I asked what happened to our lunch. If I was supposed to call her, she said she got busy with work. I asked if she still wanted to do lunch. She said if there was a third person there, that with me showing up at her apt she was afraid to have lunch alone with me.
I asked about the party she went to. He mentioned the theme and that the girls wanted to go to that theme. I didn't even acknowledge him. I told her how our friend was disappointed that she pretended not to see him, she claimed she waved and the OM mentioned "it was 1am!" as if that was too late to be talking to anyone at a party, again I ignored him. A phone went off and she pulled out some phone I've never seen before. I asked if that her new phone and she said yes. I asked if she was still paying on the joint car insurance, she said yes and that I could cancel her other phone anytime I wanted. With her phone in hand she asked me to leave before she called the cops on me and I did.



I did everything on my to do list before I went over thinking she'd be long gone by the time I drove by. Yeah it didn't go well, but it was more of the the venom and hatred in her voice and attitude that just screams to me she's not willing to accept anything other than a divorce with no looking back.

I don't want to our M to end, but I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me, doesn't want to love me and wants nothing to do with me.

[Fogg]

Many of us are in the same boat, our spouses don't love us, don't want to be married, only want D. We see the venom and hatred come out as if they don't care for us at all now.

You know what my W basically said during the two MC sessions we went to just after BD? That she was only there so I didn't kill myself, and that was only for the sake of our children. The woman I was married to for 10 years, all she had for me was two hours of her time so I wouldn't commit suicide. Two hours. She told me she couldn't physically eat in our own home around me because just my presence made her so angry and stressed out. I was a mess, falling to my knees and crying in front of her when she told me she was done with counseling. I looked pathetic. In my mind she was fully done and looked a strong, confident person who knew exactly what she was doing. Things are much different now, I am the strong one and she is spiraling out of control

The point is, don't take what shes doing or saying now as how things will always be. If that were the case there would be no point in these forums, we all would just be done at BD and move on.

I understand you are hurting, its completely natural. But you cant react to the situation around her. You have to watch what you say, and how you say it, unless you do just want to be done.

You can choose to get the aggressive L and stick it to her, if that's what you want. You can end the M and move on, if that's what you want. Just make sure your doing what you want and not trying to end the pain or react to your emotions. Feelings/emotions change all the time, its better to make a logical decision that you can live with.

Give yourself some time to think things over before you make any decisions. You do have some time before you need to file a response.

[Bob723]

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know the desperation of just wanting it to end at times when it looks hopeless. If you want to save your M, don't end it, stand for as long as you can. You let go of the things you cant control, and you work on the parts of yourself that you can. You really do have alot of people trying to help you on here and explaining what you may not see, or at the very least don't see how to change yet.

The choice is yours, if you want it to end, then do it, but don't end it because of W.

Hi Miman,

The quote from Fogg above is exactly how I feel. As Fogg also wrote, things get worse before they get better. Please think about that before making any choices you may regret later.

We all want the best for you.

Bob

[Miman2]

Journaling:

Weekend went pretty well, all things considered.
I basically ignored those papers until today.
Did a bit of GALing, CoDA group Friday night, socialized at a new meetup group on Saturday, church followed by going to a meetup group I've been to once before on Sunday. Sunday evening was spend cooking up food for this week, laundry and a bit of Netflix binging.

I took my ring off saturday evening. I keep getting the feeling like it's falling off my finger and by instinct I go to push back up the ring that isn't there.

Some "lifestyle" friends tried to get me to get out of the house and hang out with them saturday night. It was nice for them to invite me but I can't see even hanging around that crowd anymore. I turned them down.

Had some business to take care of this morning then came to work and scanned in the papers so I can have a digital copy to send out to lawyers if they ask for them.

Feeling anxious now. Just having to deal with the papers again. I keep trying to put things out of my mind and I'm successful for a while and then things start creeping back in again.

There's a part of me that feels detached, she's made a choice and I have to live with it. There's a part of me that feels sad and mourns the relationship/marriage that is gone. There's a part of me that's fearful in having to deal with the rest of the process that's coming up.

Not a whole lot more I can do than to take one day at a time, I guess.

[MrBond]

Is she living with the OC?

"Yeah it didn't go well, but it was more of the the venom and hatred in her voice and attitude that just screams to me she's not willing to accept anything other than a divorce with no looking back."

No 'buts' about it. She reacted from a position of fear. You came barging up to the car and demanded answers. She was afraid and embarrassed.

It's up to you, but I've seen many situations that had incidences worse than this and they recovered. It all depends on you.

[Miman2]

"Is she living with the OC?"

I don't think so, although the thought did occur to me. The oc lived 5 hours away from us. I didn't see the ow so I assume she was at work or with their kids. I don't remember seeing the W's car anywhere around, and the om was there around 5pm.

So he either is now working in the area and living with the W or he got out of work early and came to pick her up to take her back to where they live.

"She reacted from a position of fear. You came barging up to the car and demanded answers. She was afraid and embarrassed. "

That thought went through my head too.

1) She was caught spending time with the OM and probably felt embarrassed/angry because of it.
2) I now know where she lives and showed up there. She probably felt a bit intruded upon (a lot like how I felt when I found out she was sneaking in to my apt. and taking things).

Right now I'm a place where I'm mourning the loss of our marriage/relationship and miss the companionship.

If she showed up this very instant and said lets work on things, I might be willing to do so. If she did that several years from now I'd have to see where I am in life at that moment to make a decision either way.

I still hope and pray for a reconciliation but I'm not holding my breath waiting for one. I feel like I'm in a place of acceptance. This is not what I asked for but this is the reality of the situation I'm in.

I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself. So that's what I'm focusing on. I'm going to CoDA groups, seeing the IC, going to church, reading the books, and fitting in the fun GAL activities that I can as they come up.

Out of town for an interview tomorrow and back on Thursday. I have an appointment Friday with the less aggressive L to see what she thinks about the papers I got. Until then, I'm taking care of things as they come up, one day at a time.