Claire ,I'm not sure I've ever heard either of my parents apologize for anything. I've worked really hard at improving my apologizing form in the past year, particularly with D17. I don't know why I wasn't good at it. Maybe it's s simple as it wasn't modeled for me. That doesn't make me a narcissist. I agree with Bets here, model the behavior you want D to have and don't waste brain energy on H.
Since Mozza touched on what I think is important, your STBXH doesn't have to have a personality disorder diagnosis for me to say that it appears his compassion & empathy chip is not working. I don't know if it has always been that way, and I would rather you not spend more than 20 seconds answering that.
Originally Posted By: Underdog
Quote:
I want her to be strong enough to say, "you know, dad, I know you didn't mean it, but you hurt me, and i would like you to acknowledge that and respect my feelings instead of dismissing them."
Umm, Claire, she's 3? I know people who are 40 that don't do this well. So teach her by YOUR actions. Let her catch you in the act of doing stuff wrong and then working on correcting the hurts. Besides, it takes a lot of development (that comes with age and training) to express yourself clearly with emotional responses. Let's let her get potty trained first.
Betsey, I laughed out loud when I read this! I was totally unclear... I meant that I want her to be able to say this kind of thing to her dad when she is much, much older!!
Thanks, Betsey and rppfl for your responses. I think I want "answers" because it somehow will allow me to move forward with divorce without any regrets. But I don't need those "answers" to do that.
I think it's easy for us LBS's to tell ourselves our WAS was a dud. Makes the loss smaller.
To me, though, we're cheating ourselves by belittling how devoted WE are to our M's.
I'd rather acknowledge that my M meant the world to me, it was a huge loss, I screwed up and am learning from it...and while my WAW is a seriously flawed human and in many ways I'm superficially relieved not to have to deal with her, the truth is that I believe we're all capable of growth, change, and better behavior when we find a way to work better together. So yes, it was a huge loss. HUGE.
But I still have my commitment to M and the fact that I didn't rewrite my own history as a coping mechanism, that I chose to respect my spouse and forgive them their humanity.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I don't believe I have posted to you before, but I have read a few of your recent threads. You are getting some really good advice here so I don't have much to add, except comment on what Zues said:
Originally Posted By: Zues126
To me, though, we're cheating ourselves by belittling how devoted WE are to our M's.
I'd rather acknowledge that my M meant the world to me, it was a huge loss, I screwed up and am learning from it...and while my WAW is a seriously flawed human and in many ways I'm superficially relieved not to have to deal with her, the truth is that I believe we're all capable of growth, change, and better behavior when we find a way to work better together. So yes, it was a huge loss. HUGE.
But I still have my commitment to M and the fact that I didn't rewrite my own history as a coping mechanism, that I chose to respect my spouse and forgive them their humanity.
This ^^^^ is golden...
When bomb drops, we tend to blame ourselves for everything. Later in the process, while we go through the anger stage, we tend to shift all the blame to our spouses.
The key is to find that middle ground, where we are detached enough and emotionally honest with ourselves to see things (and people) as they truly are - flawed human beings with good and bad things.
Keep moving forward, Claire. You will be just fine!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Today's conversation over email was so calm and considerate on both our ends. I am proud of the way both of us handled the initial problem, and also dealt with the minor confusion that arose.
And I wonder why we had to split up for us to learn how to communicate and collaborate in this way.
And I'm so angry at you for believing that this is the only way-- that we couldn't have achieved this, or reconnected, or found love--and had a better relationship than before. Given the fact that we CAN communicate, collaborate, problem-solve, co-parent, etc. so well, was it really worth it to you to blow our family apart? Without even trying to get to this place together?
It makes me hate you and I don't know how to get past that right now.
Awwww, Claire honey, here's a hug for you (((Claire))). I'm sorry you are hurting tonight. And I know that as soon as you are able you'll be grateful for the good communication with STBX. You guys have a lot of years left together and you know it's better than the alternative. Hang in there, ride this storm.
So, got a long email last night filled with euphemisms (never said the word "divorce" or "file" or "summons"). But he's retained a traditional lawyer, abandoning our mediation process, and will be serving me with some official documents (that he claims is a 'letter' and not a divorce summons).
The good news is that after years of being naive, I finally am able to take him at his actions, and not at his word. He says, if I choose not to trust him, there is not much he can do about this. He says he doesn't want this to be adversarial. But he cannot have a conversation with me in person about his concerns or try to problem solve together.
so, I move onwards. There is a lot of good stuff out there for me, and this whole experience has been transformative. He is such a fool.
Sending out the bat signal to my wonderful team of vets... Mr. Bond, 25 years, labug, betsey. .. I could use some help thinking through this new situation and how my interactions with stbx have taken a negative turn. I'll update after I put my D to bed the evening. But I could really use some help understanding wwhat's happened in the last couple of days.
Also giving you a bump. By the way, if you want to call in a vet, it's best that you write their username in full so that if they search for it (like I do for "mozza"), they will find your call. Right now, they would have to happen to come here and read your post to see it. So for good measure, Claire's call is for MrBond, 25yearsmlc, labug and Underdog! Note that some of them have not been active much lately.
Perhaps in the meantime, you could put here some more details so that the vets can immediately understand the details? Tell us more about this long email. Also, why do you think he feels he can't trust you at the moment? Things seemed to be doing good recently, with the positive problem-solving. Do you feel you have given him reasons to reach this conclusion lately? Anything you could improve, for your own sake? Also, are you upset that he's using euphemisms?
Regarding the D process, are there some things that you want and that might be difficult to obtain? Specific areas of disagreement between the two of you? Do you or will you have a lawyer now that he's retained one?
Help is on the way!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
