Very hardend heart

[deepend]

Hi again. Do I let myself fall into the friend category or refuse and tell her to find herself another handyman. She wants to know if I will continue to finish fixing home for her. I don't know.

[mahhhty]

In your previous posts Mr Bond ask about your traits. You gave a soft answer. Take a lot at what Bob is doing right now. Specific traits, and specific methods for improving said traits.

Do you want to be her friend? I take it that is a No. So what do you think you should be doing?

[deepend]

Hello mahhhty,
Well one of the things that caused my wife great pains was in a argument if things got carried away I would want to leave and cool down but my wife needed answers now so she would follow and nip at my heals in a sense and that would anger me more so I would start to push away harder and that would upset her and I knew that I should step in and show her I loved her and just hold her but I would refrain till she was hurting before giving in and consoling her. a very hurtful way of treating someone you love. I would always show her love and peace and reason things out after but never really gave in first at all because I was afraid of getting hurt by her. she had hurt me many times at the beginning of our relationship from some bad choices and struggles she had growing up. I never fully knew how to forgive and that pain had grown into resentment and I used it to steal security from her to fill my insecurities.

So the first thing I did was realize the problem and try and understand it. I tried to see things from her side of things and when I did I was extremely humbled in what I saw. I had never been able to look beyond my pride in the past thinking I was justified because of the pains she had given me.
I learned a lot about pride and began to get back in touch with my spiritual side, to find where my humility was and began to grow it and replace my pride with it. a truly wonderful thing that gives so many gifts. (wish I would have never forgotten so long ago).
I tried to better understand what unconditional love was and how I could allow myself to place it before my desires or needs of reward for being a good husband and provider. (I am not all bad, my wife dearly loved me for many good reasons just I had began to expect to many things in return). I realized that the true gift of love to my wife and children was not the things I could provide for them but it is to give them myself. to give them me. the best me I could be.
Even though everything I have ever done was mainly for my family it meant nothing if they could not see that or feel that. I began to place their needs before mine even if it meant giving away my best hands in all of this we were going through. even though she realized what I had given them I truly did it for me. there are still moments I struggle with it as sometimes I feel I should have been rewarded for it I fight that off and remember why I truly did it.
By trying to see things through her eyes I am trying to learn how to forgive and better bury pain and or resentment for good. this I find probably being one of the most important but also very hard to fully teach on self. I have been reading many books, attending different types of counseling and have learned to deal with some of my childhood pains I carry. the counseling I enjoy the most is with my pastor. he is also a friend.
I think one more important thing I have learned is I must always be willing and looking to learn. to everyday be willing to be a better person than yesterday. I believe that to be truly enjoying the gift of life.

Thank you all again.

[deepend]

I guess describing my wife would be her as a very strong, controlling and micro managing person. with a truly soft side when filled with love.
I am a very strong, direction minded, alpha male. I love to give her all the things she wants but struggle showing her my emotional side.
I thought I was the most stubborn person in the world until I met my wife, lol.

[deepend]

One of the struggles I have with me using the last resort method is me making her feel rejected is what brought on so much pain in her that I fear going this path may hurt her further. I must say it is the only one that appears to be working at all though. all else has only pushed her away. it was to little to late.

[TenBook]

Hi Deepend. I can feel your soul searching and it's an opportunity to reflect on yourself. In the coming months, you will grow and realize things that will ultimately benefit you.

I thought my earlier behaviors contributed to her decision. But in fact, she was intent on leaving anyways. I had struggled a great deal with denial because my guilt, her actions that threw hope in my face kept me from moving forward... forward into detachment.

I would suggest that you can self reflect while detaching. Get to know that word and how boundaries play a role in detaching, ie protecting yourself from her actions by you walking away vs you fighting or controling her behavior.

[deepend]

Hello again. Well I have just returned from a holiday for myself and some friends. I greatly enjoyed my time. Much easier for me to stay calm when faced with anger from w. I still make mistakes that I think most men make such as trying to fix her problems instead of just listening and offering help in other ways. That angered her greatly and I was fed the line "that's why it could never work". It has become so much easier to let those things fall off of me instead of them getting in and hurting. I just wonder how long she will be angry for.
I will continue to only respond to her contact which now we can go days without contact. Drifting further apart. Give time and patients and enjoy my time to continue to better me. I am starting to accept that once women reach this point of running on script they can rarely return. but I still continue to try and be something more stable and strong for her to see. She has become very independent and strong on her own through this. something she always was not sure about in her past. She still seems like such a different person.

[mahhhty]

Deepend... Anything is possible. But first you need to follow the program and do no more damage in anyway. Of course she is a different person, she is no longer your W, she is someone different.

I suggest you start reading some of the successful threads (check out Mozza's success links). You need to change the way you look into these situations, and change your reactions.

Have you read the "Lighthouse Story" as part of Cadet's welcome response? How about Sandi's Rules?

Also, could you create a signature with your situation?

When you build a stone wall, whether it is 450 feet or 10 feet long, you build it stone by stone.

I'll be checking in.

[deepend]

Thanks mahhhty,
Yes I have read the light house story. I have takin much from it.
Sandi's rules I follow but a little on the softer side. Meaning I let her initiate all contact. I do not linger. I am strong and confidant.
But I do show her I care and speak from the heart when she calls and asks me about us. she does try to drag me into arguments with texting a lot and can be very harsh to me when I do not play her game and stay calm and understanding toward her. she called the other day and cried for almost an hr on the phone speaking of the things we had done to hurt one another.
She is very angry that she sees these changes in me now instead of so many years ago before so much hurt. she sends me little sayings about marriage and the work involve to make it work. I sent her flowers showing I understand some of her needs she wanted of me.
we have been separated almost 3 months now. we have not gone more than 3 days without her contacting me. it does not take much to anger her and almost every time we speak on the phone she cries.
I became emotionally abusive to her by not letting go of some mistakes she made in the beginning of our relationship. I would bring them up in fights and use them against her due to my insecurities. I am glad I realize so many things now just fear it is to late and ultimately she had to pay the price.

[Bob723]

In your previous posts Mr Bond ask about your traits. You gave a soft answer. Take a lot at what Bob is doing right now. Specific traits, and specific methods for improving said traits.

Do you want to be her friend? I take it that is a No. So what do you think you should be doing?

Hello deepend,

I'm sorry I haven't posted in your thread for a while.

I found my post Mahhhty is referring to. Here's the part about my traits and how I am working to better myself on each one. I hope you find it helpful.

Smothering: Since my W mentioned this, I have been trying to understand how I came across as somethering to her. Probably the worst thing I did was to expect her to behave in ways I wanted her to behave. For example, since she has MS and was in a terrible car wreck (July 2013), many times, if she wanted to use our car, I would ask her if she was sure she felt up to it. There where times where, quite frankly, she looked like she was going to drop dead. I was hurt when she would say something like, "Of course I'm ok or I wouldn't br thinking of going out." I expected her to say something like this: "That is so sweet that you are concerned about my safety, but I'll be fine." So, I've learned how smothering acting like that can be. If the tables were turned, after time, I would be annoyed, too.

Needy: I'm going to therapy since my W left and have learned that happiness comes from within - I have truly embraced that concept. Obviously, I want our M to work out, but it's because I want my W not need her.

When she tried to share her heart with me, occasionally I would respond defensively, in silence or in anger: I am still working on this with my therapist. If my W and I are in contact and it seems like she's testing me by trying to lure me into an argument, I do my best to not respond defensively or in anger.

I became increasingly critical of her: This one is hard to admit and is complicated. It usually had to do her not following through with something she said she would do that day for sure. Why the criticism? Because, increasingly, it seemed to me she would do whatever she wanted while I was working my tail off for us (50+ hrs/week) and then she would say, "Sorry, I got too tired." With the MS limiting her, I have now learned that it was important that she be able to do things she enjoyed while she felt up to it, because 10 minutes later, she might be exhausted. This I regret the most and now know how destructive it is to any R. Odd, I don't seem to criticize my 3 children or anyone else. I just started getting like that with my W recently.

Due to stress, I became self-absorbed: I felt I was always putting my W's needs and feelings before mine, which made me resentful. Looking back (again) I would give just about anything to care for her again -- as long as I wasn't being "smothering." I know what I did wrong on this one. So, during our separation, I have been trying to show I care for her. As most of you know, that is not easy when you are being rejected.

Made more and more decisions for her (speaks to her point about smothering her): I think I addressed this above when I discussed my smothering tendencies. I'm still working on this one with my therapist.

I broke promises (one in particular - to not bring up an issue from 2009 when she walked out on me/did not file for D that time): I took pride in keeping my word to others. But as we seemed to drift apart in mid-2014, I brought up the past, which I promised my wife I would not do. I told her I forgave her for that incident, it was my fault. I've learned that true forgiveness means the debt has been paid in full. Now, I make promises I am 100% certain I can keep.

I would add low self-esteem to her list: I am working with my therpist on this the most. How can I expect my W to love me if I don't love myself?

Keep working on yourself....you can do it.

Bob