To recap and summarize. My wife unilaterally ended the marriage without any option of recourse in early Jan 2015. Effectively, less than 2 weeks later we were separated. I suspected OM (work colleague) and via innocent google search blew lid off at least emotional attachment in Feb 2015. Pleading in January, one way email contact in February, almost no contact in March, April. W is determined never to re-engage in M.
Basically she was unhappy in the M, which is my fault and due to my depression taking its toll. I think my "depression" was really resentment. I set my wife up to be the care taker of my ego, and when she didn't oblige I resented her for it. I hadn't always put her in this position, well not primarily, and circumstances made it impossible for my ego to be satisfied. My "depression" was very directed and more or less vanished as such when she disappeared.
Until recently I was still cycling through grief uncontrollably. Happening upon these boards was the best thing I have found to settle me. I have come further in 1 week of posting/reading here than I had in 8 weeks of IC. I THINK I want to save the M. I am still in love with my wife (well the one I knew), and I definitely want the family back together for my children. I am hurt and angry that she could be in love with another man. I am plagued by a quote (something like) "Would you M someone you knew was capable of cheating on you." There are also some things on her behalf that were really unhelpful. I haven't commented on any of these, because they are nothing anyone can help ME with anyway.I acknowledge my role in the demise of the marriage. Maybe I'm not fully aware of everything I did, but without talking to her I never really will be.
In any event, in any future, my ego problem needs to be dealt with. I am amazed how my attitude has changed the past week or so. 2 weeks ago I was so far from being detached, I was still getting anxious and short of breath fighting with her in my head. I am so much calmer now. .
Anyone who is still in this boat of hurtling recklessly through grief, i really recommend detaching from the situation. I was skeptical that I could do it, or that it could be done. I even didn't want to do it. I wanted to be sad, angry etc. Sounds crazy but thats how it was. I even didn't want to do it because I was scared I could just rationally choose when to turn my love on and off. But it got to a point where I was scared s**tless. I lost my cool in a discussion with my wife over co-parenting arrangements. I am lucky to have 50/50 custody. Anyway, she threatened an intervention order. I was reeling, running off the different scenarios in my head. This could get a hell of a lot worse for me if I didn't learn to control myself.
So I made the extra effort to detach. For a few days I forcibly pushed any thought of her or the M out of my head. Now I dont even really have to try (most of the time). It really worked! And the best part is that now I can think of her or the situation without going crazy. If/when I start to I just block it out again. Well I try to. I still have good times and bad times. The good times are more like tolerable than joyous. And it is also hard to say because I am with my girls ATM and that always has changed everything. Edit: Oh, and it didn't really turn my love off at all.
I am still thinking about what my issues are, how I might address them, whether I want the M. It is just impossible to think longer term about anything. We have custody, property issues to sort out etc. My forward window really doesn't extend beyond a fortnight. I am trying to get used to a day at a time way of thinking. It is hard for me to NOT plan.
I posted earlier about a visit from my mother-in-law. I would like someones opinon about that. I'm sure I broke the rules and told her too much. Not that it will necessarily get back to my wife. My W Mum is more in the dark than I am. It is a secret that she even came to visit me.
Also, any thoughts on how you can be sure that you want the M back?
P.
Last edited by Pyrite; 04/10/1501:21 PM.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Pyrite, I want to respond to what you wrote in Fogg's thread about whether you want your W back and if she can turn back into the old her again.
No, she is not likely to turn back into the same person. You don't want that anyway. Your old M is gone, it's not coming back. In time you could create a new M with your W. That is unknown and both of you have to change first. You cannot control her change. She has to do that on her own because she wants to. This journey take a lot of time and patience. There is a saying around here that I repeated to myself a lot. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Take charge of you and focus on making changes in your life. DB can help you save your M, but much more importantly it can help save you. It's about finding your own happiness with or without W. She is not responsible for your happiness. You are.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
sort of my concern really. it will be a new R, not the old one. So i should expect those negative things to be addressed. but still this person can cheat. i know that. whatever the circumstances might be that lead to it.
also, there is of course history and a very attractive element is the kids in the middle. but otherwise, she has treated me like s**t since BD, secretly for months before that, why would I pursue a new R with this person who I dont even want to give her the time of day.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
sort of my concern really. it will be a new R, not the old one. So i should expect those negative things to be addressed. but still this person can cheat. i know that. whatever the circumstances might be that lead to it.
also, there is of course history and a very attractive element is the kids in the middle. but otherwise, she has treated me like s**t since BD, secretly for months before that, why would I pursue a new R with this person who I dont even want to give her the time of day.
First the kids. Assuming normal genetics they are 50% her, and 50% you. So if you are mad at her, are you half mad at your kids too? I sure hope not. But be careful what your kids might see.
Yes part of the script is that she has treated you badly since the bomb, you dont want a relationship with that person, only as new and improved version of her.
Likewise she wants a new and improved version of you.
"sort of my concern really. it will be a new R, not the old one. So i should expect those negative things to be addressed. but still this person can cheat. i know that. whatever the circumstances might be that lead to it."
That's what you don't seem to get. YOU contributed to creating this new person. For you to be so judgmental of her and say that she's a "cheater" now is VERY flawed. She has grown and learned what she wants from a man. You either step up and become that man or you stay the same and she stays gone.
Or to flip things around, if you looked down at her all this time and just looked at her to feed your ego, what incentive does SHE HAVE to stay in the M?
"also, there is of course history and a very attractive element is the kids in the middle. but otherwise, she has treated me like s**t since BD, secretly for months before that, why would I pursue a new R with this person who I dont even want to give her the time of day."
Because you created that. And the fact that you want to keep looking down on her shows you're not willing to change. In fact, the only reason why all of this is driving you nuts is because for once in your relationship with her, you can 't control her actions.
She's grown (in her eyes) into a strong and independent woman. You either respect that or you go and find another docile woman to go out with.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Pyrite, I just wanted to give you a word of encouragement. You are probably very frustrated right now. You think you totally get it, only no one believes you. Shrug all that off. Read the last few posts again. Let them sink in. Answer the questions to yourself. Let that sink in. Come back and post. You can do this.
