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A Message from Michele
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Re: Confused and mix messages. Part 3 [Re: Cherry] #2556396
04/12/15 02:06 AM
04/12/15 02:06 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 911
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Elly4 Offline
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Elly4  Offline
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Cherry, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you today. Just find a way to stay in the present. Books, not about your sitch, seem to help me too.

You will get through this and be happy. And we will support you on here anytime you need us.

{{Cherry}}


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

Re: Confused and mix messages. Part 3 [Re: Cherry] #2556398
04/12/15 02:13 AM
04/12/15 02:13 AM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,746
So he comes home. We talk for ages. Sit in silence at times. He claims he has ended it for good with her. But said that he has respect for me (hmmmmm) I needs to tell me something.. He tells me this a that he has pretty much denied as to being anymore than a friendship got physical. And they slept together more than once. Obviously I am heart broken.. I didn't flip out, I kept calm. Obviously I said the usual I think anyone would, disgusting etc, why didn't you think of your family, I hope you feel disgusted with yourself.
He says he doesn't think he deserves either of us. So won't blame me if I leave him (I think that's making him an easy route out). I love him I do, but I don't know if I should get the remainder of my dignity and go.
My mind had already gone there, but to have that man who made those vows to me admit it.. Well that hurts all the more. I don't know wether to trust he has left her for good. I want to see her number deleted.
I don't know how I deal with this. Guess I should re read infidelity chapter of DR.
I feel sick frown


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Confused and mix messages. Part 3 [Re: Cherry] #2556404
04/12/15 02:52 AM
04/12/15 02:52 AM
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Posts: 2,708
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Zues126 Offline
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I'm so sorry Cherry. There is no question this is one of the most painful situations you'll ever encounter in your life. It's really too bad how deeply we humans hurt each other. What makes it worse, this scar will never heal completely whether you stay with him or not.

No decisions tonight. None tomorrow. I would recommend telling him you need some time to sort through this.

Let me ask you- has he told you he wanted to recommit to the M? There is a big difference between this confession and a recommitment.

Tonight just get through. You may feel you can't do it by yourself, but now's the time to look up and whether you believe in God or not be humble to ask for help. We are praying for you to be strong and for your pain to be eased.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Re: Confused and mix messages. Part 3 [Re: Zues126] #2556406
04/12/15 03:08 AM
04/12/15 03:08 AM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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Thank you for the prayers, they're much appreciated. I'm a big believer in God.

He hasn't said he wants to commit. He talked in a few "we's" but then said he feels he has hurt me too bad he feels uncomfortable. And would understand if I want to end it.
It feels worse as I've gone to bed.. I can't get the images out of my mind


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Confused and mix messages. Part 3 [Re: Cherry] #2556408
04/12/15 03:16 AM
04/12/15 03:16 AM
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Zues126 Offline
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Zues126  Offline
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Ha. He feels uncomfortable. This is bull.

It's like he is trying to use his discomfort to manipulate you into forgiving him easily. Like he's hoping you are desperate enough for the M that you'll just overlook what happened and be all "no H, don't feel bad, we can work through this, don't feel that way..."

I'm not saying you shouldn't want the M. Whether you FEEL like it or not will come and go, but these are lifelong decisions not just for you but for your child and shouldn't be made quickly or on feelings. That said, it takes two. If he's not ready to man up and take this on the chin there's nothing to forgive. DON'T SAY THIS, but I'd FEEL like saying "I can get past the adultery and breaking of vows...I can't get past the fact that you can't own that and put my feelings as the priority in light of what you've done".

It doesn't help to breed resentment, but let's face it, you're going to feel this way. I'm just trying to empathize so you know you're not crazy for thinking these things.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Re: Confused and mix messages. Part 3 [Re: Zues126] #2556409
04/12/15 03:20 AM
04/12/15 03:20 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
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Zephyr Offline
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oh cherry. I wish this was not happening. I wish a great many things. I have gotten a sense of your strength and you will need it tonight. My heart and prayers go to you and your baby. (((Cheery)))


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Re: Confused and mix messages. Part 3 [Re: Cherry] #2556423
04/12/15 06:09 AM
04/12/15 06:09 AM
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Heart14 Offline
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That's such hard news to hear. It's going to hurt for awhile. Its a little eerie how much your sitch resembles mine. I agree with Zues, nothing has to be decided today, tomorrow, or even next week. Take it slow and determine what you want and need. If you decide you want to work on the M (and H commits to that as well), you need to lay out what you require from him to heal. Some examples would be a no contact letter to OW that you approve, password to his phone, volunteering where he's at and when he'll be home. It's up to you to decide what you need. It's really hard to renegotiate those requirements later, so it's crucial to figure this out early.

Originally Posted By: Cherry
He hasn't said he wants to commit. He talked in a few "we's" but then said he feels he has hurt me too bad he feels uncomfortable. And would understand if I want to end it.
It feels worse as I've gone to bed.. I can't get the images out of my mind


This isn't all bad. Sounds like he might not think you can forgive him. My H said something very similar. Eventually he's got to be willing to say "Cherry, I'll do anything you need." That might not happen right away. He'll probably have withdrawal symptoms from the A for a bit. That's hard. In a way, right or wrong, you will both be grieving for awhile.

Chin up. It might feel like the end of the world. I assure you it's not. Time will make it easier and your course of action clearer. You are strong and you will survive. ((((Cherry))))


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Re: Confused and mix messages. Part 3 [Re: Heart14] #2556426
04/12/15 07:02 AM
04/12/15 07:02 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Cherry, I'm so sorry to hear that. I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now. As Zeus says, this is one of the most painful things that can happen, so give yourself some time to process and seek whatever support you need.

I think there are some positives here though (I can see it may be hard to see that right now.) Your H sat down and told you what has happened with OW. That must have taken some courage, and it was respectful to you to tell you all of this face to face. My H didn't manage to do that. I learned about what had happened by phone, text and email. It still hurts me that this was the case...

Plus, he has moved from a position of deception to honesty. Or at least 'more' honest anyway. Also, he has 'ended' things with OW. Bear in mind that it is unusual for WAS's to be completely honest at this stage. But you have moved from a position of total deception towards partial honesty. By that I mean, sleeping with her 'a few' times, may well equal 'many' times...and so on. Did he say anything about his current 'feelings' towards OW? And is her H aware now?

He isn't saying he wants to recommit at this point. As others say, he seems to be almost saying that it is up to you, and that he understands why you may not want to do that. Does he seem remorseful for what has happened? What was his demeanour like? Was he saying it was a mistake?

I think much depends on how things unfold going forwards. From your perspective, I think it is important not to rescue him, and say 'there, there - we can get beyond this H' and so on. Equally, I don't think you should humiliate him - just tell him honestly about how upset you are feeling and that you need some time to process everything.

Have a careful read of that chapter on infidelity in DR, because there is some useful content in there on what may be needed from here on. I wouldn't make an immediate decision about recommitting to the M. But maybe start having a think about what you would need if he does want to recommit. Normally, that would include being absolutely ready to end all contact with OW, no contact letter, full transparency and possibly MC if that's what you want.

But I don't think he's at that point yet, Cherry. This is all so fresh. As Heart says, you haven't got to the point where he has says he will do whatever it takes - and I think you do need to get to that point first.

Take Care Cherry....(((((((Cherry))))))) - start a new thread too - I think yours is about to lock.

New thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...445#Post2556445

Last edited by Cadet; 04/12/15 11:47 AM. Reason: link

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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