Part 1 - Initial disappearance and NC from beginning by W, unsure of why W left, found out about OM, one weekend of talking about reconciling, then NC from W, initiate mediation I thought everything was okay
Part 2 - Continued NC from W, further distance from W about kids, MCS figures out judgmental tendencies, W finally comes gets her things, stress over communication about kids I thought everything was okay....(part 2)
Part 3 - MCS tries to figure out how to control his anger about the sitch. MCS thinks he's 'done' with DB by allowing himself to get too stern about communications about the kids. MCS finds that he's actually starting to detach (finally.) W reduces her NC at counseling and starts to ask MCS about how he's feeling and what he needs for closure. I thought everything was okay (part 3)
Part 4 - MC continues to talk about the R, but there's really no progress in R. Is OM done? W starts to let down her wall and show how much emotional stress she's in. Interactions start to get better outside MC, but W shuts back down. MCS struggling whether to believe W about things that she says about BD, W downplays role of OM on her leaving. I thought everything is okay (part 4)
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Well, Thread 5
I'm at a place that I'm not sure to continue DB or not. W and I are starting to talk about the R, but W just continues to blame me for all of her troubles. She's downplayed the role of OM in her leaving and now saying it was only because of me.
I know this is not true, but I'm not quite sure what to do.
If W is still Wayward, I see this as another ploy to manipulate me now that we finally are starting to talk about the R again. I see that through MC, we start to talk about issues, but there's no desire by her to assess, solve or anyway work on them. Its simply another forum that she says that I am at fault. I'm not sure if this is an act to keep going to MC to say that she 'tried' (I was told that she's really worried about 'abandonment' of me and the kids) To compound this, I'm not sure if OM is done or not.
If W is now a WAW, the things she is saying are far fetched and taken to an extreme, but I think I would need to validate them until she starts to think objectively about things. I'm simply not sure if she believes these things about how I'm a monster, but in order for us to push forward, I need to validate. I'm trying to show compassion, but some things that she says make me shake my head and then I tend to get angry because she says that issue is the barrier to why we can't communicate.
Examples:
1) If you remember, she told everyone I was stalking her a couple days after BD and said that's why she felt unsafe around me. In fact, I had called her and asked if she wanted to go to lunch and she said yes.
2) She told everyone that I tracked her every move for the last year (Funny, I must be horrible at tracking since I didn't realize that she was having an A that whole time)
3) Tells people that I'm setting up a Custody Battle and am trying to prove that she's an unfit mother.
It almost feels like she takes something small, like lunch, to an extreme and then tells everyone that's how I am...slowly people have stopped believing her and she's isolated herself for it.
So, I'm not quite sure what to do. We've went backwards in our communication and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. She's still coming to MC and we're talking about issues, but we don't seem to resolve anything at all. I'm not sure if I start to validate things she says that she's just going to use that as an excuse in her head that I 'knew' that she was miserable this whole time and just didn't care. I do think, she is starting to realize that I had no idea about her mind-set in the M or OM and that's why I think she may be doing this. The fog is lifted and the guilt may be starting to set in. IDK
Last edited by MCS; 03/22/1511:31 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I often forget that, especially because even through all of this junk, I feel that I'll be okay. I think I'm just grieving the loss of the life that I thought I had planned. Even if I had some idea of ANY struggles in my M, I would have bent over backwards to fix them. A part of me knows that W knows that and that's why she 'covered' it up (she actually admitted this the other week, she saw my changes..and acted like she cared)
So last night for the first time, I hit all out rage in my heart for W. I just hate what she is doing right now. I hate that she seems miserable but still doesn't want to admit she made a mistake. I hate what she's done to the kids. I hate what she's done to her friends.
I hate what she's done to me. She had me so emotionally attached over the last week or so with me back thinking 'I' was the reason she left. Yesterday, I found out that she went on vacation a couple weeks back with OM and friends for his Birthday. So much for that being over, she's still in pursuit and this persona of her being a person hurt and shunned by me was just an act. She had both me and MC thinking she was actually starting to talk about R. I guess I should have seen she hasn't done any work on herself at all, but I was praying and hoping that what I was seeing was her 'rock bottom' and she was starting to get out of her fog. Guess not.
You're right, I need to focus on MCS. I feel like everything is going okay with the exception of things directly related to the sitch. I miss my kids when they're not here, I'm lonely and bored at home, I've never been a casual person that goes out, but I guess I need to start.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Much better day at MC (mediation) today. I can tell that the MC tells her to 'tell him a story about the kids' to break the ice. He's told me the same thing.
Anyway, we actually had a reasonable conversation. It was the first time in a while, that when she didn't agree with something, she didn't throw spew back at me. She actually admitted about some 'good' things about me when we were together. I saw that W's body language has huge changes based on the topic. Anything about how the sitch impacts lives/kids/feelings she hunches her shoulders and won't make eye contact with anyone. It used to show as anger, but now its almost like disappointment, sadness, IDK.
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Talked about some logistics, taxes, summer camp, etc. I said we needed to put more $$ in our joint account for summer camp and she said that money was 'tight.' I asked why she's still paying into her house and half of my house's mortgage. She said, because we don't have an agreement yet. (I actually think its because of trying to show she's not liable for abandonment)
We actually talked about how our parenting is so different right now. It was a conversation about how the only feedback I get is things that daycare tells me. There was something that daycare told me that was very un-like W's parenting when we were together. W kind of nodded and said she was working on discipline, that she realizes that I 'took care of that' and she needed to do something now she's by herself. It was slight 'physical' discipline I heard and I said that I was fine with that, but that's why we need to talk about things because finding out from D4 to daycare to me could have really been blown out of proportion. It's easier and better to just talk about that stuff with each other
We talked about Easter and W said 'what are you doing about that' I said 'Well, its a Sunday and that's your day. I'm not happy about it; but that will be your time with them. Just like S5's birthday is on a Saturday.' W then wouldn't make eye contact with me. I said, 'I'd like to get to the point that we could both be there for them on days like that, but I know we need to do that at your pace' W said 'I know' and still wouldn't look up.
In the end, MC said that it looked like we were doing really good communicating and asked what we thought. I saw W then wouldn't make eye contact with anyone again and said "I guess I don't want to go backwards from the conversation today and hopefully we can keep them like this" I said "I know, I feel like we went backwards over the last couple weeks. I think the more communication we have like this the better"
W walked out and we were talking with each other, but then she made a B-line to the bathroom (her way of avoiding walking into the parking lot with me)
--Overall, I see that the anger on both of our side has died down. She didn't throw any spew at me and when I said something that wasn't in total agreement with her, she didn't fire back spew.
--W is not looking good. She always would be nice and 'put together' for work and I see she's not wearing much make-up and her hair is hastily thrown in a bun. This seems to be a standard for her now
--Mind-reading, but I think I see that W is filled with guilt, sadness, something and will just look down and not look up. Almost like she's ready to cry or something. This is happening when there's something that comes up about us being 'in this situation'
--She mentioned how 'Conversations like this may help you feel better about an agreement.' Not sure how to read into this, but a) she realizes that the path we were on was not working or b) trying to get me spun up or c) understands that she needs for me to build trust in her with the kids
--I was feeling a little confident and when we were talking about how this communication was 'better' I asked her to not 'throw out things that make me get defensive' she asked 'like what' I said 'When you say I'm withholding the kids from seeing you' This was her favorite when I didn't agree with some arrangement with the kids. She said 'I didn't say that today' I said, 'yes I know, thank you.'
Maybe the last couple weeks did turn a corner or something. I don't know, I count today as a good day for the kids......
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, I realized lying in bed last night that W said she was going to 'drop off the kids' next week. I didn't even catch it at the time, but she meant she was going to bring them to the house. 10 days ago, she was so adamant about finding a 'neutral' site such as a parking lot that she almost wasn't going to come and get them. Told me at the time that I was 'withholding' the kids because she didn't feel comfortable coming to the house to pick them up.
So, I guess that's progress. We'll see how the next week or so goes.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
FWIW I think you're doing well setting boundaries. Continue staying your ground. I remember your first post you said she thought you were controlling. Is it controlling or is it knowing what your boundaries are?
Last edited by 2chiquitos; 03/26/1507:42 AM.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I've looked back at our M and I still wouldn't consider my self controlling. However, I see that W and I had trouble setting boundaries. Especially when it came to her efforts outside of the house. Volunteering, going out with friends, etc. We were fine with that stuff before kids because we both didn't get affected by the other not being home. Once we had kids though, we struggled to find a balance. W wanted to be out a lot >3x per week which was not conducive at the time since the kids were so young. it seemed like normal planning of a married couples' activities. Not that it matters, but she spent more time out of the house than most of our other friends with kids, it just wasn't enough for her.
So I guess that was me trying to set boundaries but could be conceived as controlling. Other than this, I still don't see any overly controlling tendancies.
Last edited by MCS; 03/26/1511:43 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Yeah, actually I do feel like I'm relaxing a little. My emotional time the last week has balanced out and I strangely feel comfortable with where I am right now. Last night, kids were asleep and I was just relaxing and started to think about how life is w/o wife and for one of the first times didn't feel upset about it. Not that I was excited, but have accepted this state. It almost feels like I'm comfortable with where we are in the sitch and almost like it's where I should be right now. Not sure what that means for the future with W or w/o, but there's going to be a reason I'm going through this. I just don't know what it is and I've accepted that whatever it is, I'll be just fine.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
