Devotion To A Dream 3

[HeavyD]

At least she is being honest with herself and with you. Even though the news is grim, the light is that she acknowledged the truth. That is a step in the rift direction as painful as that might be.

Know that you have many supporters on the board. I am one of them.

Also know that you have done nothing wrong. Try to be strong for both you and her.

Heavy

[phunguy]

Well I can't sleep tonight, tomorrow I file. I still cannot believe this is what's its all come to. I'm about to be a divorced man. Single, alone for the first time in 20 years. It's kinda surreal. Much of my adult life and who I am has been tied to my marriage. I've learned that a lot of it was lies that she was never in it for more than certain periods of time. The whole series of affairs disgusts me and though I think so much less of her I can't believe I still love her, I suppose I always will in some regard.

Meetings with my therapist have helped a lot to work through my feelings of guilt because she really messed my head up as this all came to an end. I really thought it was all my fault. I went to a dark place in Jan. Where I am today is a 180 for me! I've learned while I made mistakes as we all do it is her behavior that was the most influential part in mine. She was never open emotionally to me. She was never there for me, never a partner, she was closed off to me for most of our marriage and most of my reactions were to being alone in all of it. The physical fighting early on and the verbal abuse all came from her. I had never done any of those things prior to being with her. I learned how she liked to fight and learned to beat her to it. I learned that is how she grew up, in a completely disfunctional environment, filled with hatred and disdain and much of it directed at her. I never was exposed to that. My parents are married for 45 yrs. and I had a great childhood. I learned these bad behaviors to compete with her early on, to the point that I became angry with her. Eventually that anger and disappointment became too much, and led to always feeling she would leave or cheat, it ate at me for most of our M. And as much as she told me she didn't She already had many times. She has hid so much from me I'm fairly certain I'll never be able to look at my M in any other way than what it was, a big lie. She used me to further her own needs, to facilitate her sickness. I hope she gets help, she admitted that she needs help to me this past weekend and doesn't know what's wrong with herself. Says she can't stop and has tried and failed repeatedly. I hope she finds happiness. I hope one day I can forgive her for what she has done. I hope she can forgive herself.

So onward I march into the unknown. I never pictured it this way, but I'm no clairvoyant. I've also learned it isn't me, I'm not in control of anything I do what I can and leave the rest up to the world and God. I have got two strong legs and occasionally I have wings to fly. I hope to dust of these wings soon and soar!

[Joe46]

You are in my thoughts phunguy. I am in no position to give advice. It does sound like you are thinking clear. I also have been thinking back on my marriage. In times like these it is hard to remember the good times. This whole process is tough to deal with, but I believe we are coming out as better men and will be better husbands next go round. You are in my prayers.

[phunguy]

Thanks bro, you be tough! I know it's painful. But we don't deserve to be treated this way.

I filed with her at the courthouse Friday before work. I've been numb ever since. W is nothing but claws and hate. I have to deal with her until she gets an apartment. It's so messed up, listening to her talk today, I can't believe she is in a good place and am worried for her. I told her that I am still not n shock and hoped that Friday might shake her out of it. Nope out all night getting drunk and God knows what else didn't come home till roughly noon today. I couldn't contain myself and ripped into her a bit and told her I was sick of her behavior and she's not 21 anymore to grow up! This was not her crash pad this is my home and not a flop house if she keeps doing it I will kick her out. I told her to remove the rest of her things from my master bedroom. She's working on that this evening. I'm done. I can't barely look at her without being angry. I have to work on this harder now. She has 20 days to file a response after that I get everything I want. She basically gave up on fighting for anything including her children and agreed to give me full custody as long as I allowed her 50/50 time. Now it's a matter of time. I know now that no matter what happens to me I can be strong. I can take care of myself and I can take care of my kids. Maybe some day I'll meet a nice woman and fall in love again but for now I'm focusing on me and healing this broken heart.

[phunguy]

Oh my things are getting hairy. She's claws out everyday, I'm doing everything I can to be cool. Today she went through a bunch of stuff and boxes it up without speaking to me about it. When I asked her about it and how she went about it she flipped out, yelling and screaming. I walked away and went o my room then she sent me a bunch of texts. The next few weeks until she leaves is going to be hell.

[phunguy]

She's moving out Friday. It's all so surreal. I cannot believe what has happened to my life since January. Everything is gone, 13 years of marriage and 7 before that it's like it means nothing to her. She doesn't care who she's hurting, or how selfish this is, she's on a mission to find whatever it is she's looking for which she admits she doesn't know. I sometimes hope I'm going to wake up from this nightmare. But I've been waking up for months now in the same horrible situation. I keep trudging on and everything is continuing to fall apart, I could never do what she's doing, I'd never forgive myself. Just when I think I'm ok, I'm here, and I guess it's where I'm suppose to be.

[Mozza]

What you just wrote above, is this something that your W could have written just before BD? Could it be her perspective on your contribution to the M dynamics for instance? She was hurt, you appeared selfish, she wishes she could wake up from this nightmare?

I don't know, but I'm asking because it would apply to my sitch. My W was unhappy before leaving and I contributed to it. I was selfish and did not hear her calls for help. Her leaving is a step too far, but she had to reach a breaking point to make that radical decision and we shouldn't blame it all on some blown fuse when they take action to improve their lot.

By the way, can you remind us where you stand? You seemed to be under shock, but in agreement that she had to go after admitted to the many As. Now you seem upset that she's leaving. I'm really just checking.

Her moving out is actually good news for you. You'll see it around these boards. Things improve dramatically when LBS aren't confronted with the daily behavior of their WAS. Less stress, less material to analyze, more time to reflect on both sides. Let's look forward to it, for your own sake.

[phunguy]

Divorce filed 4/3. She's done unwilling to do anything to save it. Me I'm a fool. A helpless fool. She doesn't believe people change and I suppose I gave her every reason to believe that. Though I feel vastly different and have made many changes.

I suppose those could have been her words. But since then so much has come to light. I've tried and she refuses to change her mind. I stopped asking a while ago. Tried to be a good man, forgive her, now I'm just broken.

[Zues126]

Yes. D is about the worst thing in the universe. I am sorry you this was slated for you. Truly, truly sorry.

I just posted on Pyrite's thread. Can you read that? It says some of what I want to tell you.

Even after D is final there will still be a lot of denial, a lot of thoughts about "this is so bad surely we have to stop this charade", and a long, long road of feeling that way. Again...I am sorry.

Now that we've acknowledged that and let you sit with it...can you tell us what you're going to do over the next 30 days for YOU?

Please hang in and keep posting. You're not done on DB yet.

[Mozza]

I'm very sorry about all that, phunguy. I can relate to feeling broken. I even use that word for myself sometimes, although it's often through tears and telling my self "I won't be broken by this/you" and just fighting it like a soldier on D-Day. Maybe seeing this as a challenge, an opportunity to show your strength could help you. I know it does for me sometimes, as I refuse to be seen as weak or broken.

I went to a session on mediation tonight and the mediator mentioned how some people change through D. Your WW doesn't see it now, none of them do, it takes them months or years. Don't expect her to see it now, nor should you lose hope that she will.

What I'm still curious about is your reaction to the multiple As. Have you accepted them? Would you R despite them? I seem to recall that when she confessed to them, you were under shock and thought that you couldn't be with her. But now you seem to heop that she will see your changes and R. Which one is it? Or both? By the way, I'm not judging either way, just make sure we know where you stand. My WW cheated twice on me and yet I still want to R, despite my better judgement.