I have been quietly lurking in the boards since January 2015, when my search to find some explanation for the ending of my three relationship, with the man I thought I would ride off into the sunset and grown old with ended. My dreams for the future, the family we had created ( he had a daughter 8 years old when we met, who I considered to be daughter by the end - I cannot have children), the adventures that were still to be had...Gone with the words "it's over".
There was something about the expression of heartfelt desire and broken heartedness that I have read in people's accounts, that touched my own pain, confusion and sense of loss, that has kept me coming back.
The comraderie, care, kindness, understanding and empathy, the humanity that is expressed by the people here is honest and true. I admire you all, in your courageous pursuit of maintaining the commitments you made to your marriages, your spouses, your children and to yourselves. It fills me with hope and optimism.
After all your pursuit is one of LOVE and FAMILY, and there is such honour in that.
Thank you for letting me be part of your humanity and journey through this time...You have helped me immensely and for that I AM GRATEFUL.
I wish you all your hearts desires and fulfillment of your goal- to have the one you love back in your heart and arms, and you in theirs, your families whole!
JellyB, I lurked for almost two YEARS prior to my first post. Join the family and journey -- there are lots of people here who will be glad to help you.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Hi Rosalinda. There is nothing to save in my relationship, he lives in another city and wants no further contact. I am here because in some small way reading peoples posts of their pain and loss and dedication provides me great comfort. Thank you Rosalinda for being kind enough to acknowledge me.
Of Dear Cadet... You have not missed anything...there is no marriage to save. My ex is silent and moving on and wants no further contact. There is however comfort here reading peoples lives and knowing that there are people out there who share my belief that love and family are I committed and valuable investments you don't walk away from unless you have given it everything...this place has got to be adding some good karma to the planet surely...:-)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Of Dear Cadet... You have not missed anything...there is no marriage to save. My ex is silent and moving on and wants no further contact. There is however comfort here reading peoples lives and knowing that there are people out there who share my belief that love and family are I committed and valuable investments you don't walk away from unless you have given it everything...this place has got to be adding some good karma to the planet surely...:-)
YUP I have heard this story before. Like almost everyone else here. I posted my welcome post, my suggestion is to start there.
You are correct we all had no more marriages when we got the BOMB DROP.
I can only say that IMHO the LBS gets to decide in THE END.
And if you have not yet gotten to decide then it is not yet THE END.
If you've read my sitch, you'll know that my W moved out and immediately got involved with an OM that moved in with her after three months. Would you give my M a chance of reconciliation? Yet, here I am because I see many benefits. First, it helps me to navigate the separation and second it helps me to improve myself. Anyone going through a separation and divorce can benefit from DB.
Also, if you haven't already, have a look at the success stories posted at the top of my thread. They take a long time and go through some deep lows, like where you are now. Some of the success stories are not about reconciliation, but letting go.
Finally, one thing you could benefit, and I say it because it helped me a lot, is do to your "confession" of what you contributed to your S. What do you have to change in you to become a better, happier person? People on these boards will be happy to help you think through these things.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Ok Mozza here goes. my confession (the catholic school girl in me ...notes that her knees shaking Lol)
Well ex and I met online, him in one part of the country and me in another. I had just recently fully come to a complete emotional closure of a previous relationship and was dipping my toe in the dating pool again. I was happy to have a male pen friend to practice a little flirting with and gain some confidence. I thought nothing would come of it, given the distance. Well something did come of it and after 8 months and a lot of flying back and forth I moved to be with him.
You see I was a single professional girl, who recently returned from working overseas, no real commitments, just my job, I was flatting (roommate situation, and basically carefree. The Ex on the otherhand, a job, a house, a daughter and of course a paraplegic who had his own modified home.
With much support from my work place, who allowed me to work remotely, I made a temporary move to his home town. This was a practice run for me (I wanted to spend real time with him, but also meet and get to know his daughter...if she didn't like me , that was a deal breaker for me - I would have been out - the complete opposite came to be the case)
The reason to move at that particular time however was due to the ex requiring, what was going to be a life altering operation- potential loss of function he already had. It didn't worry me that potentially his physical (and possible sexual function would change) "i loved him". So I moved my life.
So that was in November 2012. He was everything I had ever dreamed of and as for all of us here, the relationship was "perfect".
Well my ex and I met, over discussing cycling. I had a road bike, he had a handcycle. We talked about cycling all the time, training, riding, places to ride. When I moved to be with him this continued.
As my ex recovered from his operation (more function not less function was the outcome -HUGE SUCCESS). We are over the moon and life is moving forward and getting better. It got better still in April 2013 due to a series of events my ex met a former Paralympic cyclist and they talked cycling. My ex discussed it with me. My ex had previously represented his country prior to is accident and also has a disabled athlete. He was bored not training for anything specific. I told him that if he wanted to pursue cycling to a professional and competitive level (ie to the olympic level) he had my full support.
And here is the crux of it all. I had previously been in a relationship with a competitive cyclist and i knew the demands. But I guess I was incrediably naive about my own process and issues and how it would come together.
So how to tell the rest, the implosion that occurred. I guess in summary: Ex trains for hours at a time I look after his daughter, his health, his food, the house, i guess everything Ex travels around country and overseas I stay at home and work, look after the house, and his food and his health , and his daughter. Ex makes new friends, creates a whole life with cycling people, and sponsorship, motivational speaking I stay at home and work, look after his daughter, the house, his health and food Ex trains and sleeps and trains and sleeps and travels I stay at home and work and look after his daughter, the house, his health and food.
And I am thinking and feeling: OMG I am so proud of everything he is achieving OMG I am so lucky to be with a man who had so much self determination and mental toughness and discipline OMG look how people admire him and look up to him OMG I have never been this in love OMG I am so lucky he tells me he loves me and treats me so well.
And I am also thinking: what happened to Me what happened to my life what happened to our life what happened to us traveling together what happened to our sex life
And thus began my implosion! Gradually I sank further and further into depression. Medication, fights about him not understanding and making effort, My blaming and questioning him about why i moved away from my life to be here for him , when there was little to nothing for me here.
And so the cycling wheels start to come off the bike. So our emotional weaknesses and childhood issues start presenting.
His: no empathy- he can't understand life is good life is short, get yourself up and going, do stuff get a life, what are you complaining about. He isolates, goes silent, man caves for days at a time. "I don't do drama", "why are you being so emotional about this" " you don't like being depressed do something about it".
Mine: why doesn't he understand, I'm alone, I'm lonely here, trigger childhood abandonment at not having feelings validated and understood, feelings of being left all on my own. why doesn't he listen, why won't he spend more time with me. And so I go over and over in my head, he mustn't love me, I must not be good enough, he must want to end things, he is better than me he deserves someone better than I am, a more perfect partner, who does more is more, around and around and around. I care more and do more - for him.
The medication helps over 2014 and while my abandonment issues and tension in the relationship were always at their worst after he returned from a trip away. When things were good they were amazing. Sex was always on the table when he wasn't tired, every special day was acknowledged in some special way, my birthday, valentines, there were unexpected heart felt gifts and flowers and he would tell me more than once per day he loved me.
Leading to my BOOM: August 2014, ex had world champs in US for 10 days. I went and worked from my home town while he was away. I also went home to be my closest friend's birthing partner (3 day labour). My friend gave birth five days after my ex left for the US and I worked the rest of the time. Prior to leaving my ex was the most attentive and loving (physical and emotional) than he had been in months. It was amazing. While he was away emails and facebook riddled with I love you and i miss you, can't wait to get home. He gets back we're in my home town it's amazing, first night back in his home town, it's amazing. The weekend and everythings changing.
We arrived home on 4th September, and ex is jetlagged and tired. As the days progress, he is distant, and more focussed on cycling than i have ever seen him, and he is planning and training, and making arrangements. And I am surprised, because he is allowed to rest now, he is allowed recovery. He is impatient with me, with his daughter with his mother.
And me, well I am feeling annoyed and resentful about the behaviour. I am feeling confused and taken for granted. I am feeling unloved and uncared for. And then I get sick, like bedridden sick with the flu and I am spiralling into depression, and I am sick and I am crying and I can't sleep and nothing feels right. And he can't see how much I need him to take care of me for a while, well for right now. I need him, I really really need him. And he's not there physically (business trip) and not there emotionally. We are fighting over text, me from my sick bed and him from is hotel room. And when he gets back there is no talking, and I am in his daughters room, so that I do give him my germs and he is not talking to me. And the house is quiet and no one is saying anything and I can't stand it! I am sick and emotionally overwhelmed and all on my own and he won't FIX IT, HE WONT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, HE WONT TAKE ALL THIS PAIN AWAY! And I am spiralling and spiralling into the hole..
5th of October 2014: I explode. So in four weeks we go from I love you's to, my mother getting on a plane, and bringing me back to my home town, in the depths of a mental breakdown. On the 6th of October, a phone call between us, I can't do this, you can't do this. He says I trigger something in you and it's not working. It's over.
So I cried on the phone and say ok. I send an email the next day saying how I want my things packed, discussion about splitting the finances and I advise him that any further communication about my things can be discussed through my BIL. And I go quiet. I do nothing for a few days. And then I start with the texting and the emailing. And it doesn't work. And I go quiet again no contact till Christmas- arrangements for presents for his daughter and mother. His texts are cold and one to two words at the most. Then nothing no contact. And I am frustrated and hurt.
So on 29th of december he has a major cycling accident, putting him in hospital. I do nothing, I cry and cry when I am told by his mother. But I still do nothing. It's his daughter's birthday beginning of Feb. I text to make arrangements for her birthday presents. He responds but is as cold as he had been previously. And the my button is pushed, and I ask what he is angry at me for. His reply...i'm not angry I just thought that anymore than a few words would stop you moving on. I advise this is not the case. I advise I am rebuilding, life is moving forward. He says great me too, I am seeing someone. I say ok, wow that was quick, I suggest we stay in contact and could possibly be friends. He says...you know I am never friends with ex's, you know i never talk about them again or have contact with them, I thought you knew this. I respond with an email, advising of everything I did and didn't do and everything he did and didn't do. And I wished him luck with the new person he was seeing and that was the last contact 30th of January 2015.
I understand from a mutual friend, he has been back in hospital initial op did not work. His cycling dream..the RIO paralympics is on long term hold.
Sorry very long winded ...but I am hoping that you can see the mistakes I know i made...
I gave my life up I made him the centre of universe I did too much caring for him and not enough of myself And then I blamed him, and made him feel small I rejected him and his love in the ways he felt comfortable, because it wasn't how Iwanted and needed to be loved. I allowed myself to fall into a life long term pattern of depression and negative thinking when I was triggered around my fear of abandonment /intimacy I didn't recognise my ex's triggers around his own fear of abandonment and not being good enough. His fear of intimacy
Oh there is so much more....it's exhausting....I'm not sure if any of the above makes sense...but it is the version of the events as I remember them and a partial account of my role (there is more to tell) but enough already for you gorgeous people.
Since being home: I have been in therapy since I got back and its helping I am happily off the antidepressants I have been at the gym at least 3 days a week I have a goal to be able to run 5km by my birthday in April (I can't seem to get back on my bike, although I would love to) I have been reading (all most consuming) anything I can find on depression I have read DR and have as a habit been here attempting to take on board the advice being given here.
I feel I have said enough for you to digest now. there are lots of gaps and explanations required. feel free to ask I am happy to tell.
