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A Message from Michele
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Re: Card29 XI - Journey [Re: Uphill] #2607363
09/16/15 03:23 PM
09/16/15 03:23 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Sotto  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
I would get in touch with her family or a good friend and share your concern - ask someone geographically closer to call in and see how she is doing. Also, do encourage her to seek help if she needs it or also call an emergency support service like Samaritans if she feels desperate.

It must be so hard to hear something like this when you are so far away....

Take care xx

Last edited by Sotto; 09/16/15 03:23 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Card29 XI - Journey [Re: Uphill] #2607364
09/16/15 03:24 PM
09/16/15 03:24 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
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SunnyB Offline
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SunnyB  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
Wow, Card, sorry to hear this. I worked for a church for 17 years and saw up close and personal more than a few suicides and how they affected the families. It's heartbreaking that she feels that way and that you feel powerless to help her. I'm hoping you hear from her soon, and that she seeks the help she needs.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Card29 XI - Journey [Re: SunnyB] #2637291
01/02/16 12:28 AM
01/02/16 12:28 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
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Mozza Offline
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Mozza  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Hey Card29, it's been so long. Care for an update? I'd like to know how you're doing, if STBX is better, if you moved into that house, etc.

I remember you mentioning how you detached almost at once. It hasn't been all that sudden for me, but it has happened. I'm at a point where I hope she stays with OM because that's how she's least likely to cause me trouble. I've ups and downs, like everybody, but I don't attribute them to WW anymore.

Hope you're well.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: Card29 XI - Journey [Re: Mozza] #2643332
01/15/16 02:04 PM
01/15/16 02:04 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
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Card29 Offline OP
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Card29  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
Hi Mozza! It certainly has been a while. I'm glad to hear about your detachment. I hope you can now feel the relief.

First, about me. I have a girl friend now. I met her last February. Started noticing the spark over the summer but still was reluctant to date her (or anyone, at that point). But eventually it started, and I've just tried to enjoy the moments instead of thinking so big picture with her. I've taken things very slowly with her. I waited 6 months from when we first started talking for her to meet D3. I really don't know what to expect in the future, but for now I'm happy.

I did move into the house! I've been in it about 1-1/2 weeks. It is absolutely perfect for me and D3. I don't know how long I'll be here because I only signed a 6 month lease with my friend ("sis's friend" from early 2015, if you recall). If it was up to me, I would be here long term. But she is not sure how long she wants to be out west.

STBX (very "soon", actually, as our divorce D is now completely filed and in the hands of a judge. Complete any week now): I don't know how much better she is but I at least haven't heard any direct suicide talk. She has apparently started dating here and there, which I'm totally fine with. She says she doesn't like it, though. A couple of positive things for her, though: I believe she hasn't been with OM for several months now. The further she gets from him, the better for her. And she's leaving today for a solo trip/vacation/escape/meditation/prayer weekend somewhere in the Caribbean. She's never went on anything like this trip, so she's been nervous. She only decided on the trip 2 weeks ago. I'm happy for her and I hope it gets her a reset point of sorts. I don't expect for her to come back a new woman. I hope she doesn't expect that, either. I don't know how her problems can be solved, but I know they can't be solved overnight, or even over a few months.

Last thing is that the DBing went full circle. I was fully detached, then STBX finally started coming down from her high with OM. And she started trying to get me back. I wanted nothing to do with it, and only partially because I have a GF. Now that I'm detached, I see STBX from a fresh perspective. And I see her as someone I *currently* have no interest in dating. It's not that I don't "trust" her due to infidelity; I don't trust her steadiness. Will she want to start dating me now and then waver in a few months? But it was eye opening to be on the other side of the DB coin. Not that I was going through chaos like she was when I was DBing her, but it showed me just how unattractive unwanted pursuit is. She was also constantly mind reading. ("Oh you can't help me with D3 because you're ****ing your new GF, huh?!" .....no response to that, needless to say she was very wrong in the context of that particular convo). So for everyone out there struggling to detach, to stop mind reading, to stop pursuing, take it from someone who was struggling as much as anyone a little more than a year ago: FOLLOW DB. It is the best chance your R or M have, but more importantly it's the best chance for YOU to turn your life around in the quickest, healthiest way possible.


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Card29 XI - Journey [Re: Card29] #2643394
01/15/16 06:07 PM
01/15/16 06:07 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 449
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Georgia Bulldogs Offline
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Georgia Bulldogs  Offline
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Posts: 449
Healthiest way???

How is having your own revenge affair an example of the "healthiest way possible"?

You had a chance to save your marriage and didn't because you were involved with someone else - so, it seems, "plan Card" might have worked for you but was it really "the best chance your relationship/marriage had"??? Was it really DB at all (I don't see dating other women on Sandy's list)????

I truly pray your girlfriend isn't a rinse and repeat of your soon to be ex-wife - she already has a pretty big knock against her being willing to date a married man and all. I wish you well. Infidelity is certainly a huge trauma - I just hope the extra consequences of your choices to apparently commit adultery (maybe you aren't having sex with your girlfriend, I don't know) don't hurt you and your daughter that much more down the road.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Re: Card29 XI - Journey [Re: Georgia Bulldogs] #2644407
01/18/16 02:54 PM
01/18/16 02:54 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
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Mozza Offline
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Mozza  Offline
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M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Fantastic! Thanks for the update! You've been through so much and we've had the chance to see you turning around here. With the infidelity, the breakup, separation, divorce, tantrums... It's a wonder you're in such a good place today. You've been very grounded from the start.

It's quite interesting that your WW wanted to R. In her difficult situation, while yours is improving by the month, I'm not surprised (your life sounds attractive!) and I see where your reaction came from. In a way, it's a similar analysis that lead me to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to R even if WW asked (which she isn't close to - still living with OM). Just because they ask doesn't mean they really want to come back. In fact, that's something Sandy is saying. I remember her even telling a LBH here (BigMac?) that his WAW's pleas to come back were not a real opportunity yet.

I agree that your story shows how DB works. It looks like you've saved yourself and that it did create an opportunity to R.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: Card29 XI - Journey [Re: Mozza] #2645421
01/21/16 07:28 AM
01/21/16 07:28 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
C
Card29 Offline OP
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Card29  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
Hi Georgia,

I appreciate you spending time thinking about my sitch. You're entitled to your opinions.


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Card29 XI - Journey [Re: Card29] #2645424
01/21/16 07:32 AM
01/21/16 07:32 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
C
Card29 Offline OP
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Card29  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
Hi Mozza,

Once the light switch flipped for me, I didn't immediately rule out not R-ing with her. The breaking point of that was when she was trying to R during the 2 week breaks with OM. That behavior showed me she's nowhere near ready for a true R.


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Card29 XI - Journey [Re: Card29] #2645428
01/21/16 07:38 AM
01/21/16 07:38 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
C
Card29 Offline OP
Member
Card29  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
Georgia, one last thought, just so other DBers aren't misled. DB WAS the best path to reconciling my marriage. It's just that when I got back to that point, I didn't want to reconcile. No, of course dating someone else is not in the DB handbook. I feel like my dating is post-DB and post-marriage. I followed DB as closely as I could, even though that included many slip-ups with mind-reading, begging, pleading, etc. My point was that whatever your desires are for your M (R or being able to move on), DB is the best path.

Also, I'm not rushing into anything serious with my GF. I know I'm not ready for a long term commitment, not even close. She knows that, too.

Update: My D is finalized.


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Card29 XI - Journey [Re: Card29] #2645432
01/21/16 07:49 AM
01/21/16 07:49 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 760
USA
R
RAI Offline
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RAI  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 760
USA
Wow! Card! You really give me hope. This purgatory is awful.

Regarding the D being finalized - I am sorry it came to this. I hope you don't feel badly about it. From reading your posts, you seem to have no regrets about it and know that it was the right thing to do. I am happy that you are doing so well.

I know it sounds strange, but I can't wait to get to where you are now.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
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