train, how are you?

[twinmom]

Just checking on you today. I know this week is rough.....

[Train]

Sweet girl. Thank you. Been a really rough couple days. But I'm still standing.

I can't thank you enough for thinking of me. xoxo

[twinmom]

Glad to hear you made it.... for both of us Feb and March are one year of so many hurts..... just wanted you to know someone was thinking about you. This Sunday (22nd) is one year ago that H walked out and also 3rd wedding anniversary. The day I found out he was cheating is only a few days after that..... and the day he actually moved in with OW approaching way too quickly. I feel like I am back to where I was last year emotionally... so vulnerable, need some good GAL activities these next few weeks to help....

[Train]

It's weird. Like, I'm not a big "anniversary"-type person. I've noticed that some members of my family, for instance, seem to fall apart on the anniversary of my dad's death. I don't. It's no different to me than any other day of the year.

But what's weird is I've noticed a marked change in myself - my demeanor, my outlook, my energy - recently. It started happening a few weeks ago. And for two weekends straight, I lost my sh!t when H and I were on dates. It's seriously like I take 2 steps forward and then 1 (or 3) steps back. I don't GET how this is supposed to work. Tell him my needs? Okay, then I come across as needy and needing HIM to help make ME happy. That's not how it's supposed to work; he's the frosting, and I'm the cake. I should be happy with or without him. But what kind of M is THAT? If I'm happy withOUT him, then wth am I doing with someone who has cheated on me twice? Is it all economics? Frankly, sometimes I think yes. Should I take a time-out when I'm about to snap? Okay cool. Then basically I'm just burying my feelings. Talk about my feelings? Cool. Then my associative thinking starts going bananas, thoughts and fears are swirling in my head ... everything escalates, the tears come, and - BAM! - there I am again, questioning (often out loud) why I'm here ... if this M is just a train wreck waiting to happen (again) ... how the he!l stupid am I for trusting him AGAIN?!? I mean, where my mind goes is not good.

For the most part, I don't live there. But for some reason, every once in a while when we are out together, it happens. Probably because he's working two jobs and is home all of two hours a day during weekdays, so our one night alone is the only time we actually talk.

Things didn't go well on Saturday. But it isn't because I was in a bad mood, per se. We had tried to come up with a plan to avoid us going out and me crying and then questioning what we're doing, which is what had happened the previous two weekends. So H pitched taking me, in the early afternoon, to an antique place I've been wanting to go. Then we figured we'd go out to dinner and return home kind of early to watch the race.

But then my car started acting up Friday, so H was busy fixing it until later Saturday afternoon. That was Valentine's Day. Our anniversary. He didn't buy me anything because he was afraid it would only serve as a trigger. (And, to be fair, I had told him that V-Day propaganda - all the pink and red crap - was nauseating me.) All my kids - especially my older girls - really went out of their ways to make me feel very loved; the older girls knew how hard it would be. Even S8 had D17 take him out to get me (himself - lol) a 12-pack of yoohoos to gift me for Valentine's Day. But from H? Nothing. Not because he doesn't care but because he was afraid ANYTHING he did would send me over an edge because it would be a trigger. And while maybe he's right, it felt really strange to receive so much thoughtfulness and love from my children and nothing from him.

Though I continued with our plan and had showered and dolled up and was ready by 1 p.m., H worked on my car until he finally fixed it at 4 p.m. I was so appreciative for all his hard work, but I sat inside, and my anger grew and grew. He could have worked on the car Sunday. This was V-Day. Our anniversary. A day H KNEW was going to be difficult for me. And I got an act-of-service from him. But no affection. No communication. And because the place I'd long been wanting to go - the place he planned to take me Saturday - was 45 minutes away and closed at 7 ... and he wasn't finished with my car until 4 ... I gave up on going there.

H came in and showered and we got in the car to leave. I told him I didn't want to go to the antique store anymore because I really wanted to be unencumbered by a closing-time when we went. He seemed to be in a mood - I'm sure working all day on a car contributed to that - and tried to convince me that we would have "plenty of time" there before we'd pop in to get something to eat and then head home to watch the race.

I basically told him no thanks. I asked if he'd just run to the grocery store to pick up a couple things we needed, and I went inside, took off all my make-up, washed my face, jumped in my PJs and ... cleaned the stovetop. I ate peanut-butter crackers in bed, alone, on Valentine's Day. H did end up bringing a rose home. And he apologized relentlessly. He honestly did think he was doing the best thing by working on my car for me and by not buying anything V-Day related (because he knew it would be a trigger).

It all just points to how f'ed up this all is.

Affairs are STUPID. They destroy families. They hurt. They hurt. They HURT. The pain is almost unbearable. And WHEN DOES IT FREAKING END??? Like, I want peace of mind back. And I'm not going to lie: sometimes I think the only way I'll get pure peace of mind is to fly solo. Get the hel! out of this relationship. It wouldn't solve all my problems - quite the contrary - but I am so encumbered by feelings of rejection (twice), feelings of abandonment (twice) and feelings of being scared half out of my mind that I'm a SAHM at the financial mercy of a man who has just up and left me (twice) for two POS hussies who thought they were worth more than my children and I are and they would just help themselves to OUR security. And my H wasn't an innocent victim.

Sometimes, twin, I don't know which end is up. I have NEVER been more confused about something in my life.

H is trying his damnedest. I see it. I acknowledge it. I appreciate it - inwardly and outwardly. But I just can't seem to move past it. He "screws up" just an inch, and it becomes a MOUNTAIN for me.

I've been able to use some of the tools I've learned to keep my focus on exactly what's bothering me. My focus is pretty much razor-sharp at this point. I don't fly off the handle about the mountain of other resentments I have when I've zeroed in on the ONE thing that's bothering me when it's bothering me. In other words, and if I'm being honest, I'm not picking up a handful of pebbles and throwing them at H all at once. Instead, I pick up the one big boulder and toss it.

I'm so over all of this. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of seeing HIM hurt. I'm tired of seeing his pain, caused by MY pain ... which HE caused. I feel like I'm on a carousel. And I'm spinning. And I'm dizzy. And I'm looking for the fastest way to just jump the he!l off.

I want to be normal again. I want to be loved. I want to be admired. I want to be respected. I don't want this baggage anymore. I do not mind working on a M. But work post-a-second-affair is hard. It feels impossible. I can't believe a word he says. Not.one.word. Not ONE word. I believed him once before, when we were married. I believed him again after his first A. I honestly think it's IMPOSSIBLE to believe him again. I'm trying. And I.just.CAN'T.

This is hell on Earth. It honestly, honestly is.

We bounced back from Saturday. I've told him I'd like us to talk about an in-house S since we couldn't afford to stay S as long as I wanted us to while he was still wayward but wanting back in our M. Things moved too quickly out of financial NECESSITY in our case. I don't want to be seen as "easy." Because to ME, "easy" = one of his whores. And I'm not one of them.

But I don't want to be difficult either.

Hell. Just HELL. Living, breathing HELL is what this is.

The anniversary of BD is in two days: Feb. 19. Joy!

I swear I'm about to go dig a hole in the backyard and just crawl in it for the next couple months.

I know some people who have made it over this hump are reading this, likely cringing. I'm probably doing things wrong in some folks' eyes. Maybe I am. Sometimes, I honestly feel like I just don't give a sh!t which way this thing goes; sandi wrote something not too long ago about how often she sees the LBS at least mentally become a WAS once the XWAS returns to the M. I heard that in my head over and over and over this past weekend.

I'm trying to fight it. But I can't lie: Sometimes I think that this M isn't worth fighting THIS hard for. And when I look back at my original posts post-BD, I was even questioning that THEN, when H was still wayward.

I love the he!l out of him. But there's a lot of he!l in him. And NOW in me, TOO! He's being amazing now. But I already see things slipping back into old habits. We are both trying our as$es off. But for how long? I've shown, since BD1, I'm loyal and committed. He hasn't. We're both clinging on for dear life. But how long will he stay committed when things are consistently this hard? His words say: as long as it takes. His track record shows: not very long.

This ride is absolutely SICKENING. For BOTH of us.

[twinmom]

Train, when H was living with OW I stopped praying for our marriage. I would cry (ok scream/sob hysterically) when I was alone for God to take my pain away. I would pray for God to decide what windows need to be opened and which doors needed to be shut.

Even though I am trying to enforce an "I don't think you can make yourself an honest husband" stance I know I could do a better job.... I did not get H anything for Valentine's day. I did not acknowledge it at all. He bought me a necklace, Victoria secret gift card(i am finally losing weight and have commented numerous times I need new underwear) he brought me a single rose, as I said I didn't want flower(s) and a card that said
A man like me has a lot to be thankful for,
And at the top of that list is you-
A woman who knows me, accepts me and whose love has made so many things right.
I'll never know what I did to deserve a life this good. But I do know what's at the very heart of it:
You..... beautiful you.
Love, H

[twinmom]

Train have you ever thought about couponing or mystery shopping to earn some extra income from home? Give yourself a little nest egg or even just contribute to the budget a little and have H cut a few hours off his day to spend time with you?

Let me know if you want some guidance to delve into this. I don't make enough to support myself (but I also have 5 kids to wrangle around while trying to do this) but I am making enough to put away for a nice little emergency fund and vacation fund. And I started paying some monthly bills to give me an emotional boost that I wasn't 100% dependant on H.

[Train]

Train have you ever thought about couponing or mystery shopping to earn some extra income from home? Give yourself a little nest egg or even just contribute to the budget a little and have H cut a few hours off his day to spend time with you?

Thank you, twin. I actually have a couple hobbies that bring in pretty good "extra" money. Unfortunately, they also take up a lot of time. And they sort of pay for themselves, if that makes sense.

I got a freelance offer from this area's largest newspaper a few weeks ago. But after seriously considering it, and talking to H about it, we decided together - for a number of reasons - that it isn't what I want right now. I have another freelance gig in the hopper; it's a big one, but it's temporary: 12-14 months. And it wouldn't start in earnest for a while. I'm actually looking really forward to it; it's the absolute opposite of what I'm known for around here. But it will be a challenge - a state level instead of just local - and it will really beef-up my resume to include marketing and PR, should I decide to enter the workforce again.

Right now, I'm so busy with S8's school schedule that when I'm working from home, I fall down on the job with him. And I can't "afford" to do that.

As for H's second-shift job, he has a lot of flexibility with the hours he puts in. But because there are certain tasks that have to be done, it's not like he can really decide to shorten his hours or not go in. Plus, our budget depends on a set number of hours. He is paid very handsomely per hour: four times what I was being paid when I left my job. So it makes absolutely NO sense for us to decide that I would work in the afternoons so he could stay home. He makes in one hour what it would take me four to make. And if I go to work at night? That obviously wouldn't help us with the time issue. We'd still just see one another in passing.

We're sort of stuck right where we are for now.

I'd love to do something to build up an "emergency fund," but honestly, until I would be out, earning my own income (and enough to provide for my family), I likely wouldn't feel completely confident or comfortable because I know H can leave at any time; he's proven that. But right now, my priority is educating my son. I'm sort of caught between a rock and a hard place.

What blows is that just thinking about a contingency plan causes me to spin; that, in and of itself, is a trigger. It reminds me of how quickly things changed and how rotten H became ... how he tried to force a legal hand to kick us out of the house after BD1 - while I was pregnant - and how he pulled the financial carpet out from under us - with no warning - after BD2. So while I probably SHOULD think about it and come up with an "in-case" plan, it just sends me to a place I don't at all like to be. It's a place I can't really talk about with H without losing my sh!t. Again.

Again, this is all so f'ed up.

[twinmom]

Train, the things I am talking about are tasks you can do (mostly) WITH the kids... so it's not H staying home so you can go make $$.

Just an example.... I took the kids to the post office to mail a package. I was paid $10 and reimbursed $8.55 for the postage and box. Took me 15 minutes and the kids were with me. After the kids were in bed I wrote my report....
Sunday I took the kids to the museum of science and industry in Chicago (we are members but that doesn't matter) I was paid $15 and reimbursed $45 for food I had to evaluate. Again, put the kids to bed and wrote my report...
Today I called a physical therapy place while the kids were napping, 4 minutes on the phone and less than 10 minutes writing my report. Up $6 for that.

I am NOT getting rich but some things pay better than others. I was paid $80 plus reimbursed for all fees to have an accountant prepare my taxes. Something that had to be done anyway.

Just something to think about, as its kind of nice knowing I have this info if H were to decide to stop the $$$$ (which he has never done but he did rack up some cc debt while living with her)

[Train]

Oh no. I hear you loud and clear. I'm making "pocket change" while I'm home with the kids; I could actually make a lot more if I enjoyed one of my "at-home gigs" in particular. But again, it tends to take a lot of time away from our school day. And it's certainly not enough to sustain us or even make me feel comfortable when I think "what if" he leaves again. It's also not enough to buy H time away from his second job. Know what I mean?

[4mendmj]

Your post today Train...I appreciate you bearing your sole. The if then if then if then part of your post really struck me. I am sure it strikes many of us. I cannot say I have been cheated on 2 separate times which in turn degrades further, trust but the brain spinning.

You said " I don't GET how this is supposed to work. Tell him my needs? Okay, then I come across as needy and needing HIM to help make ME happy. That's not how it's supposed to work; he's the frosting, and I'm the cake. I should be happy with or without him. But what kind of M is THAT? If I'm happy withOUT him, then wth am I doing with someone who has cheated on me twice? Is it all economics? Frankly, sometimes I think yes. Should I take a time-out when I'm about to snap? Okay cool. Then basically I'm just burying my feelings. Talk about my feelings? Cool. "

YOu have been on here for 11 more months than I, a thousand posts more than I, I have read and re-read countless things you say which is just fantastic advice by the way...then I hear your struggle. Validation for me. Not the part where you want to give up, but that we try to be strong, we know what we want, you have rocked it for almost a year on here and yet you still have the spinning, the brain questioning itself. Forgiveness is for us, I struggle with that article but I guess it makes sense. Take care of those children, give them love, give yourself love Train.