Seperated, she is with someone - I'm desperate (2)

[vdubber]

Uggghhh....you would think I hadn't just read for several hours yesterday about how H/W know how to push each others buttons.

Kids are out of school tomorrow and since we exchange on Monday nights I will be working from home as their daycare is also closed. So W sends text late tonight asking if I have kids tomorrow as if not she has sitter lined up. She closed with I just want to know where my kids will be.

She has done this many time...referring to them as "my" kids which really bothers me as they are "our" kids.

Lesson learned to force myself to wait to respond...I mean I just read about all of this and it's the advice I've already been given here.

My response sent was that yes I have my kids during day, please pick up after work.

I know better but said "my"....I could have got the point across by saying "our" but no I had to respond angrily. So of course I get the response of don't be an a**hole.

So it's 3am and i got that going for me. I have limited interactions and i just blew another one and reinforced how she already seems to feel about me. I hope I can learn to STFU and keep my emotions in check next time.

[Sotto]

VDubber - you know already that's not helping yourself....why do you do it then? You said it yourself, you don't have many interactions and you just blew this one. Is this getting you closer to where you want to be?

[staytog]

Yup, try to ask yourself that question before every interaction. "Is this going to get me closer or move me away from my goal?"

[vdubber]

Yes Toots and Staytog you are both right. I know it was not the response I should have given and i need to be smarter than that. Would it be appropriate to send an apology text or given that I was trying to NC do I now do nothing and just wise up next time around?

[Sotto]

Might be an idea to apologise - but just brief and pleasant, not grovelly..

"Sorry about that. Let's both stick with 'our' kids going forwards."

or

"I'm sorry about that - it's not easy for any of us, but we'll get there"

[vdubber]

So I did send a quick apology. She said ok and that I was acting like a robot and that the books I'm reading are not to replace my brain. (She was aware a few weeks back I had ordered some books and was doing some reading on self help).

So she obviously thinks I am acting strange and out of character. Not sure that does me any good as it appears my NC and short precise comments (other than my mishap response above) make her think I'm being robot like and void of feeling.

[sandi2]

Hi Sandi. This sounds spot on. But is there any chance WW ever goes back to her old friends? As those are the ones that would give her encouragement in a healthy way. Her current friends are all bar friends that don't know me or us. I really think any chance for her to ever want to work on our marriage would only happen if she was to pull away from her new friends and spend time with the friends and family that knew and love sher before she started this new life and cut everyone else out.

Usually the new friends drop by the wayside. When she R with you, then she will probably rejoin her old friends. Unless, there was permanent damage done when she split from the friendship, or they wrote her off. This is one of the reasons I suggest the LBS not talk too much about the stitch to friends/family, b/c they will take sides. Part of keeping the road paved smooth for the WAS to be around them once you've reconciled.

On another subject, your W made a comment about all those books you've been reading. Does she see you reading the books?

[vdubber]

Hi Sandi. No she's never seen me reading the books. She just knew that I had ordered some a few weeks back. I have not said anything to any of our friends or family and honestly I wonder if many of them even know what is going on. It definitely would not be an obstacle for us in R, but I don't know how she would ever break away from her new life and friends. I realize this is not in my control.

[vdubber]

With today being a holiday I expect I will get a call back from L tomorrow to schedule an appt. I'm very nervous as while I need to know my legal rights, much of what I read is to drag out the D if the W isn't forcing it. At the same time she says it's because she can't afford it and she is pretty much living with OM so how long do I hang on for hopes of reconciling vs. hanging on out of desperation and dependency?

I prayed and cried quite a bit earlier but have been ok this afternoon. W will come by here and pick up kids in a couple hours which means I might see her but then again she may not come to door. I made an appearance change for me. I had a very long goatee with short side beard and i cut goatee way back....further than actually intended so it's actually very short now. Feels a bit strange but I felt like I needed a change. Gonna get alot of rubber neck in at work tomorrow as I will stand out like a sore thumb.

Last time I cut my goatee down was last May and it is much shorter this time. I remember my W loved it, curious if she will even mention it this time. It doesn't matter as I did not do it for her honestly. I just needed a change. I would grow my hair back too if I could pull that off but sadly those days are gone and I rather like the Mr. Clean look anyway.

I think I will run and grab dinner and a drink at a local sports pub tonight and just to try hard at my GAL this week. I go out with a couple guy work friends after work tomorrow and Wednesday I see my IC so I doubt I will be up to alot of GAL afterwards since I'm usually swollen eyed afterwards. I know I need to do find some guy friends to hang out with and stay busy...I'm pretty introverted so I need to step outside my comfort zone a bit.

I have a buddy who expats in Singapore who will be in town for a couple weeks in about 10 days and he wants to go out so that will be a day where I am busy, just need to keep forcing myself to keep getting out of the house.

BTW, I have got in the habit of trying to make sure I read Sandi's 37 rules along with the article on Detachment every day. This is one of my goals as I think I need to hear it over and over and over again to sink in and believe. I see alot of those reasons for not detaching applying directly to me and I need to get past it.

[vdubber]

So W texted me this morning saying she would like to meet and discuss some things when I have yime. I am almost positive she is going to ask me to file for D. I am not quite sure how I want to respond to her text as I would like to know the topics ahead of time so I can mentally prepare myself for our discussion. Feeling very nervous and shaken up a bit this morning.