Seperated, she is with someone - I'm desperate (2)

[vdubber]

Thank you Sandi. I can see what you mean that I am defining myself by being loved. I know I need to work on and love myself so that amy relationship whether it be with WAW or not can he healthy and not codependant. Btw my codependant no more book just arrived today. Want to get to it but need to complete DB and DR book first.

Thank you for your insight as I can't seem to see the clear picture sometimes but your input really helps me.

[sandi2]

That's wonderful.

[vdubber]

Kept busy today taking kids to lunch and movies but home now a d very teary. Fighting urge to text W as I know it will do no good and only hurt me more. I feel like I'm being strong and then I break down like a baby...ai just hope for less bad days as time goes on, today has hit me hard.

[staytog]

vdubber yesterday hit me hard too. I sent her a text telling her I was proud of her and admired how hard she works, she busts her ass managing a restaurant, and I hope she sells out all her seatings. She didn't respond. I did avoid calling her for two weeks and last Monday she called me asking how things were going. I firmly believe not pursuing her is the correct course to heal my R. I know things go well when we talk about the kids or I compliment her, if I talk about R or contentious issues things get out of hand and she gets mean. I have to remember to do what works and don't do what doesn't work. She mentioned family counseling when I was still incarcerated back in September, I need to bring that up this week in a non pressuring way. She is living 4 hours away from me and her kids and in the middle of a MLC I believe. Stay strong, you'll get there. Some days I feel great and realize this isn't ALL my fault - which I was believing before - but it takes time. It seems like me and all the friends who know us think we will get back together. It seems the only person who thinks we won't is her..

[vdubber]

Hi Staytog. I also have some days better than others and I'm so glad valentine's is over with. I agree about not pursuing and i haven't been for close to 3 weeks now and it's taken all the strength I can manage to not contact her.

You mentioned how your friends all believe you will get back together. I feel the same way as far as all the friends we had together. They always said we were so good together and honestly I think a bunch of people still don't know. Her family still loves me too. The problem I have is that she gave everybody up and found a whole new set of friends and what she considers now her family at a local dive bar. She's so deep in her new life now that I really don't know how she could get out. But I do believe if she did she would realize what she's done and what I mean to her. Unfortunately for me I don't see that ever happening as her new friends and support group don't know me and support her in her new life. I understand it's easy to find acceptance and belonging with the bar regulars. She apparently feels comfortable with the way her life is now and it's so very hard for me to walk away.

[sandi2]

Two things I want to say about friends. First is that what friends think about your M (good or bad) is based on what they can see and/or hear. None of them are behind the closed doors to your most private, intimate, and daily lives as a couple.

Second, the WW usually gets new friends b/c she wants to connect with people like minded to her. They will pull away from family and friends that are part of her old life that she no longer wants, and/or who do not support her waywardness.

[vdubber]

Hi Sandi. This sounds spot on. But is there any chance WW ever goes back to her old friends? As those are the ones that would give her encouragement in a healthy way. Her current friends are all bar friends that don't know me or us. I really think any chance for her to ever want to work on our marriage would only happen if she was to pull away from her new friends and spend time with the friends and family that knew and love sher before she started this new life and cut everyone else out.

[staytog]

I think this is true of my wife too. We have a couple that are great friends to both of us, and they are supportive of both of us. I speak to the guy quite a bit, and he believes, because what he sees her doing and saying, that she will be back with me. She never had lots of good friends, she has I would say ONE close friend for her whole life, she is very unforgiving and judgmental, so if someone pisses her off she excommunicates them from her life. She has new work friends, mostly younger waitress types, she is dressing "younger" at least according to my 18 year old daughter, whom she also hid any relationships she may have had from, which I one of the reasons I think MLC. Thank you for your input Sandi! ALWAYS appreciated!

[vdubber]

I have spent several hours reading today. Finished DB and just read part 1 of DR "The Divorce Trap". I think both spouses should be forced to read it before any Divorce takes place. I really don't want to give up on my M but I know for now I'm on my own and have zero control on W and her actions and mindset. I do know I played a big part in our marital problems as all spouses do. It's just very sad that when one of you wants so badly to do whatever it takes to save the M, the other has no interest.

I realize these steps are to help me. I have no contact with W and she is with someone else so it seems very unlikely to me that she will ever take notice. I know I need to do this for me, just wish we were still in the same house so there was an opportunity for her to witness my life and see how I've grown.

I'm sure we all feel like we are losing the loves of our lives, I certainly do....otherwise we wouldn't be fighting so hard to try to make things work knowing we are the only side trying at this point. I will most likely break from reading for a few hours as I've been at it all day but I truly miss her, truly love her, truly want us.

[staytog]

Never say never. God works in mysterious ways... Pray for what you want. Thank God for giving it to you.