Moving On - LisaB

[LisaB]

Hi friends, my previous thread locked so I thought I'd start a new one.

Quick summary: BD and move out in early July. He had EA with OW that quickly turned into PA after BD. She didn't want a serious relationship and he pined over her a bit and started dating multiple OWs. However, he tried to keep me close all along. I mostly maintained a distant stance and NC from my end. Got tired of cake eating in November and now we barely communicate. I think there is a new OW now.

I'm struggling a bit my friends.

On the one hand I am happier without him. I see now that I was not 100% my self in the relationship, that I was bored and unhappy and perhaps subconsciously hoping for a way out. But our relationship was not bad. It was very loving and warm and easy. It was just too stiffling and boring.

Now we have been apart for 8 months. I have had to contend with a lot of jealousy since he is galavanting around town with OWs who are significantly younger and more beautiful than I am. That has been very hard for me. However he has repeatedly expressed that he is very unhappy and lonely and sad so I guess all the galavanting isn't really doing him good.

I have never had a GAL problem. I have a ton of friends and a busy and exciting life that many would envy. I guess it helps more than if I had no friends but honestly I still feel down.

Is more GAL the answer? I have traveled, I have met new people, I have tried new things, I have even dabbled at dating. But I still feel sad and my thoughts turn to him often.

In the past the only thing that has really helped me forget a previous partner was to meet a new love, a new crush. Someone new to forget the old. Is that the only answer? If so, how can I do that? I am so tired of the pain.

I believe that WAH has now started dating a new OW. I have a few pieces of evidence that lead me to believe this. It is again someone I know and am friendly with, an acquaintance I met through him. I know that he has liked her at least since BD if not before. He told a mutual friend that he was interested in her and a few months ago when he spoke of her to me his eyes lit up. She is a good person, clever and attractive.

It upsets me that it upsets me. It also bothers me that he seems to have no problem finding new relationships while I am still heartbroken.

Oh friends, do you have advice for me? As I said I am mostly going about my business, seeming amazing and GALing away. What else can I do to move on?

Hugs, Lisa

[Mozza]

Thanks a lot for starting a new thread. I wasn't sure where we could go and ask you for an update if you didn't.

I have had to contend with a lot of jealousy since he is galavanting around town with OWs who are significantly younger and more beautiful than I am. That has been very hard for me.

You know I share your pain... I just don't know what to say. I don't really know how to get over it, except by not thinking about it. Oh, something else: it's probably not as great as it looks from the outside, as his behavior suggests. It's silly, but it helps me to think so.

About your beauty. A friend of mine recently told me about a man on whom she had a crush. She described him to me and showed me pictures. He's perfectly fine, but not a hunk. Yet, she took the initiative and went talking to him and it worked out. It made me realize that this guy might have been looking at himself in the mirror and thinking "I'm not the most beautiful man in the world, I'm too this, too that..." Yet, when my friend saw him, she was immediately attracted. It made me realize that I shouldn't be concerned too much about my looks beyond taking care of myself. I will attract someone who will say: "Hm, this one looks just my type." See what I mean?

In the past the only thing that has really helped me forget a previous partner was to meet a new love, a new crush. Someone new to forget the old.

I have lost track: are you seeing an IC? Because this is the kind of thing that mine is discussing with me. To him, this behavior a sign of my lack of self-confidence that is compensated by external validation. I was still a bit surprised yesterday when he was happy that I had given my phone number to a girl! Perhaps that a therapy would help you understand where it comes from?

Also, it's only been eight months. Think of later in life when you'll look back at this episode, regardless of the outcome. I fully expect to say "I was down for a year after she left me" and it won't sound that long. So 8 months is still very much in the stormy period. Be patient with yourself. Accept these emotions as a normal transition period.

[LisaB]

Mozza, thanks so much for checking in and offering your feedback.

You are very right about beauty, of course it is in the eye of the beholder. I guess I was trying to say that he's with many OWs who are not horrible crackheads or losers. They are sexy, smart and beautiful young women. I am too, but hey, he dumped me. Oh well.

I do hear what you are saying and agree that it might seem he is in seventh heaven with his OWs but maybe he is not. I guess I am just jealous that he is already finding great new partners so easily while I worry I'll be alone forever (in my darkest moments).

Interestingly, discovering he is dating OWs that I know is much worse than the OWs I don't know. OW1 really bothered me as we were friends, but he also dated at least 3 other women and that didn't bother me as much. Maybe he was really excited by them but that didn't irritate me as much because I didn't know them and couldn't imagine them. Now OW4 let's call her, is another friend of mine and that irritates me because I can put a face and personality to my nightmares. (I should clarify these OWs are originally coworker/friends of his who I got to know - if that makes sense)

Thanks for letting me vent above, I actually don't feel quite so negative as my earlier post. I would say 90% of the time I feel great and am happy with my life. It is the 10% that is dark and depressing but it sticks with me.

Today I made a list of things I don't like about him and it helped me to be a bit more balanced.

Ganb8te and a few others have voiced that this time period of 7-8 months after BD seems to be a period of questioning what comes next for some reason. I think I thought it would be over in 6 months, that he would be back or I would be with someone else. It's an arbitrary time period but I guess I just couldn't imagine this going on so long. And now I am still feeling a bit raw and I want it to be over.

Oh and Mozza, thanks for bringing up that stuff about external validation. I don't think I really have a problem with that. I'm honestly happy being single and I'm pretty familiar with it. I guess it is more of a competition thing since WAH is dating so much. But I know this is a common problem... oh wait! WAH has this problem obviously!

I hope all of you are doing well and having a good day.

Hugs, Lisa Plan A

[LisaB]

Oh and I really wanted to share this quote. It is my moving on/perfect relationship vision:

"Be with someone who gives you the same feeling as when you see food arriving in a restaurant."

[Karma12]

Hi Lisa,

I think all your feelings a very normal and to be expected. I know I didn't like it when my ex appeared to be moving on and dating when I wasnt. It has taken me until now 2.5 yrs later to think I've got to get out of my comfort zone and start dating!

One thing the new OW's don't and won't have is the history between you and hubby. You are still young and when the time is right you will love again.

[gan]

Hey Lisa Lovely, Glad to find your new thread.

Ugh...what are we going to do indeed. I'm sure it's just a phase that we'll pass through in due course but it does feel pretty crappy for the time being.

When can you guys file in your state? I guess 12 months less 28 days is my next big milestone - H may let his intentions be know around then (beginning May). In the meantime I intend to keep doing what I have been doing. Like you I'm questioning whether more GAL is the answer (it doesn't feel like it).

I'll leave you with these random thoughts:
1. Wow - where did those months go? The first few seemed to take years, but I swear the last few have passed in the blink of an eye, don't you think?
2. In the grand scheme of things it's just 12 months. That's only about 1/82 of my life expectancy vs 15/82 for my R (I forget how long you guys have been together). Probably does deserve a little more time investment before turning my back.
3. Labug only found DB 7 months post BD and things were pretty dismal contact-wise at that time. Everything is possible.

[Sotto]

Thanks GB. I'm in this club too - the 6+ month no kids dark or dim contact ladies...is there an acronym for that? From your posts, you both sound like fabulous people, and I'm sure life going forwards will have lovely things to offer.

Ive decided to do a little more reading recently. That helped me in the early stages and I haven't done any for a while. I've just ordered Jim Conway's MLC book. I'm not sure if H is having an MLC, but I figure I may as well cover all the bases!

I may also have a look at LL and NMMNG - as my H was a classic people pleaser. He's gone from that to self absorbed and a bit snappy..

Keep up the faith ladies!

[stacey9]

Hi Lisa - sorry you were feeling down earlier, you seem such a positive and upbeat person, but I think we all have days like that.

Don't worry too much about the new OW - she'll not be a patch on you, she won't have the shared history etc, and the chances are he'll soon tire of her like he has the others.

You seem to be doing all the right things, and it's true what others are saying - 8 months really isn't that long in the scheme of things.

Take care

[gan]

Good suggestion re reading, Toots. I have thought about it too but haven't taken steps to do it. At least when I am still reading, I am still learning - and that does feel like forward progress to me.

[Sotto]

I know Gan, that's what I thought. I also had a look at the TED talks website today. That's been mentioned a few times on the forum. I had a listen to a couple on happiness - very interesting. You can get an app too. Like you, I'm trying to think about forward progress & don't want to wallow in the fact my sitch feels a bit stagnant.

I'm going to try and use this gift of time more wisely....