I want him to be an involved dad. I don't want to lose time or shared experiences with my kids. I want to get more exercise. I love when the kids and I have relaxing evenings. I'm all over the map.
I know others have said it here before (raliced made an excellent point), but you can't control his involvement for involvement sake. But you *can* state what the kids want and need from him with conviction.
Maybell, I can tell you guys haven't sat down with lawyers. The first thing our mediator told Mr. Wonderful was that if he wanted parenting time, he HAD to have living space that accommodated them. Since we have 2 girls, he had to have a 2 BR apartment - they shared the other bedroom. Had they been a girl and a boy, Colorado would have required him to have 3 BR or sleeping arrangements on a sofa bed for one of the kids in a 2 BR if the kids were older than toddlers. This was non negotiable. And that's when he renegotiated his lease on a 1 BR with his apartment complex for a bigger apartment. End of story. Your H has a 2 BR apt - that's not against the rules, Sweets. But he needs to make it home away from home for them if he really wants to parent.
This early to work sh!t is just an excuse, Maybell. Both my XH and I go to work early on days we don't have the kids the night before. On days we do, we go in a little later but are able to work later because we don't have the kids on consecutive days unless someone is traveling. He can MAKE the time. You both need to get out of the "I can't, because XXX" frame of mind. That's not solution oriented. It's one thing if it's fixed, like he lives in Pittsburgh while you live in Frederick. But stop allowing excuses as your bar. They are limiting AND defeating. And besides that, they allow you to stay stuck in the resentment room.
If he really doesn't want to be an involved dad, there is nothing you can do to make him do it. But you can set it up so that you are compensated for it, and then YOU can make arrangements with a nanny or standing sitter to help you out with your load. I had a great sitter for years. She's still like a daughter to me. She met my now D17 off the bus, got her snacks, did things and occasionally started dinner when I needed to work late. I paid her well for this. She was in college and working as a para in the elementary school, and needed to work when school got out. Without me, she had difficulty trying to find work that would accommodate HER schedule. It worked beautifully for a really long time.
So now that you admitted to wanting all of it, it might be a good idea to back up a little and reevaluate what you have a legitimate case for pursuing. Yes, it would be sad for the kids for them to be the collateral damage. But your job isn't to shield them from experiences, Maybell. Your job is to guide them through and give them coping tools so they can become self-confident and successful teenagers and adults who are ultimately able to have functional relationships with others.
rpp and I are fortunate that our XH's changed their tunes when going through this. But I also have quite a few friends whose husbands really just wanted to check out. And they did. The XBF I had before my XH was the child of such a divorce. His mom ultimately got remarried when he was about 12, and he didn't meet his dad until after he graduated from engineering school. The a*hole only wanted him in his life as an adult. My XBF kept him at arms length, communicated with him, but called him Jerry. NEVER dad. That was reserved for his step dad. He was a great BF and is a good husband and father to his W now. That's because his mom let him know from the get go that his dad's abandonment had nothing to do with him, but was because of a lack of character present in his biological father. He got it. His mom was a special lady - I really liked her moxy. Plus, she danced to Michael Jackson with me in the bars. I thought that was fun.
So be clear. Identify what you want. Then see what you can do to make the plan coherent, logical and reasonable. Oh yeah, and it can only include what YOU can do.
You might also want to rein in all this resentment somehow, Maybell. It's getting in the way of your rational thinking right now. I understand it, but it's a huge distraction when you're trying to find solutions. A vent is okay, but you can't stay in that mode for long. I used to allow myself a full 24 hours. It was plenty. Then I had to put my solutions hat back on and get down to what I could control.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Task 1: get over my expectations of his parenting. Own myself and let him be.
Task 2: decide how much participation *I* need from him to parent effectively and without driving myself into the ground. Decide how to compensate if he is not going to be a resource in my well-being as far as parenting relief goes.
Task 3: arrange things legally to support Tasks 1 & 2. To the extent necessary and possible, get STBX to agree to these things.
Task 4: execute. If STBX starts stepping up, be appreciative.
Have I got it?
Last edited by Maybell; 02/12/1507:49 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Claire, Sorry for the delayed response. Neither of us travel more than once a year for work. We agreed early on that we would each have the first option to watch the boys. However, during her time with the boys she took off for 4 days and went south to tailgate a college football game and left the boys with her mom, so that is out the window. Luckily both our parents live fairly close and are willing and able to help.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Raliced and others: I too lobby on behalf of my kids. I don't believe in " It's her relationship with them, stay out of it". Right now my kids voice is not heard with WAW. If they have an issue they feel is important enough to bring to me, I pass it on to WAW. There have been a few occasions where it has been successful and a few that have not. At least their voice is heard.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I think there are different ways you can interpret interfering in the other parent's relationship with the kids.
I advocate letting go of that rope because it was not my place to sooth feelings by covering them up or making excuses or... whatever. I made sure that *I* was the parent who the girls could count on, and that was all I could manage to do back then. They were 5 and 8 when their dad moved out, and in the beginning, he was a total a*hole and decided not to show up to a few events that I guess he figured was more important to me than them. I think he really got this when he decided not to show up to my then D9's award ceremony; her feelings were crushed. I didn't make excuses for him and I just told her that her dad didn't get in touch with me and she should talk to him about it.
She did. She lit him up like a Christmas tree. I think it was a pivotal moment for him, because he apologized to her and never did it again. It didn't require me to ream him. That would have been more of the same - a total waste of time. But she decided it was important enough to address.
The only way I could combat this passive aggressiveness in my family was to allow nature to run its course. I don't (and didn't) operate in this manner, and I made sure that I honored the commitments I kept. It wasn't rocket science. Besides, it was a great teaching opportunity for her to learn how to discuss things that bother her with others. It's a grown up skill that is never to early to set in motion. It's served her very well too. In fact, it was my mission in life to teach her how to be authentic. She's turning 21 next week and passed that class with flying colors. She's definitely smarter and more adult than I was at her age.
So bdub, what would happen if you teach your kids to address their problems with their mom on their own? Sure, she might reject them. But hasn't she already? Then it's your job to teach them how not to use other people as your own bar for self worth and self confidence.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
That is my goal. I will not continue to intervene forever. With things being so fresh I guess I am protecting them a little. There are certain things, smaller issues, that I will not address. My answer for that is " I am sorry x is happening. You will need to take that issue to your mom." My hope is that once they learn how to communicate with her on the smaller topics then they can start to stand on their own 2 feet on the more major topics.
Every day I remind myself that I am their rock. I am their consistency and I am a role model for them.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
