First off I want to say thank you to Cadet and Linda for the responses. I very much understand and agree with what you had to say. This really is her crisis and she needs to continue to follow that path to its end. I had to give a call to my lawyer today to make sure I was completely covered with her moving out. He will more then likely be giving her lawyer a call/email today... who knows what the fallout might be from that, either way I'm not worried. I had a pretty good IC session today too, she offered comment on my W strange behavior this weekend. Effectively she chocked it up to denial, that as my W is forced to face the reality of the situation she uses things to help facilitate her own denial. Its a coping mechanism, which she says is completely different from how I am coping with it.
Cadet you are absolutely right the 180 here is to let go. For years I have always been there to help her in both my marriage and in life in general. I'm a fixer, when presented with a problem I look for a solution, sometimes right sometimes wrong, and set to fixing it. One of the fundamental lessons I have learned (and am still learning) is the let go, release control of the things I can't change, and stop trying to manipulate things to my favor. Honestly, that sums up so much of what has been wrong in my marriage for a long time. So yup time to 180 that S#*t and be a better version of myself.
Linda thanks for the words of encouragement, it is certainly my hope that I can be counted among those in the future. But for now she has a lot of work to do... and as Cadet and you have said its best for all concerned if she does that on her own. Its amazing how crazy can be sometimes! I think like your toothbrush story, she has done certain things deliberately to try and mess with me. I spotted it early and learned to try my best not to react to it anymore. On a side note operation AFSD is progressing nicely, been hitting the gym to get back into shape... and may have turned a head or two the other day in class. Not acting on it but nice to see
You know I read something the other day that said this.... If you really want to help foster a greater feeling of love, open up your contact list in your phone... find those friends that you make frequent contact with, or are you favorites list, and make a point of spending more time with them. I think in a lot of ways that is really some good advice, you don't need a ton of friends just those select few who really have your back. And just to address the whole group message thing. Honestly it was anything to crazy, but what I think it really was was a plea to send her love and "please like me like me". Maybe I'm wrong there... either way its her story not mine.
So here it is the new link! I'll keep posting here and looking for that support. But more importantly if I can help someone else out, even if its to let them know that they are not alone... that someone else is out there riding the same crazy train, then that will be enough!
Last edited by Andy125; 02/03/1508:35 PM.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
I'll keep posting here and looking for that support. But more importantly if I can help someone else out, even if its to let them know that they are not alone... that someone else is out there riding the same crazy train, then that will be enough!
So welcome to your new thread. Great job linking them both up - done like a pro!
I heard an old tale that new threads can bring change so here is hoping that your new thread brings you great changes.
I see you are posting on others threads. That is really a great idea and helps for this board to continue to give others support. Also others will read your thread to give you support too.
Thanks Cadet! Here's hoping! And thanks Calopie, thought it was a fitting title.
A quick little GAL update... Tonight I had the opportunity to go out and have a sushi dinner with one of my best friends. It was great to simply get out and enjoy some good company and good food. I can't tell you how long it has been since I did something like that.
So here's to more of GAL and to being the best version of myself I can be!
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
I like your new thread title too Andy! Very positive So, did your wife move out, and did you get any fall out from your call to your lawyer? How are your daughters handling it all? It's so nice to read you're going out with your friends. Yum, a little sushi with old friends makes any day a little brighter right?
Hey, I had some interesting news today. My ex has decided he does not want to be alone, and since I won't take him back, he has decided to marry his Russian girlfriend whom he deserted just three weeks ago! Now how is that for an excellent reason to get married? Their plan is for her to come here to New York on a regular tourist visa, get married, and then apply for a spouse visa. It boggles my mind.
To make sure I am staying strong, and am fighting my innate urge to rescue and fix everyone (my ex in this case ) I like to read over my old notes from the past 6 years, and found some on detachment that I hope may help you. So here is still another list which I copied from someone's thread on the forum here. Maybe URWorthy, maybe Job. I'm sorry I cannot remember and therefore give credit.
Detachment is the:
Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves
Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational
Giving another person the space to be himself
Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people
Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person
Developing and maintaining a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life
Establishing emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence
Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering
Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling
Placing all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life
Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point
Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them
Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be"
Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you
My biggest problems were with accepting that I could not change my ex, with not feeling guilty when I saw him floundering and did not rush to help him, and in letting him accept responsibility for and suffer the consequences of his own actions. Do you have any problems with any of these?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
At first I watched this several times because of the guy on the tambourine.... Still makes me smile..... Then one day I listened more to the words, and honestly in some ways this summarizes what I have been feeling with my WAW. Anyways if the tambourine guy puts a smile on one persons face then mission accomplished!
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
ok so its a new day. As I have been saying for the past month or so, "new day new start make the most of it." Yesterday evening turned out to be really tough. I helped my W pick up the bunk beds for my daughters, and move it to her new place. I know some of you here would disagree with helping her at all. I however felt that in an effort to be friendly I would give her a hand. So smile on my face and being as chipper and helpful as I could muster I helped her do it. It all went well and we moved it without any incidents. She was very thankful for the help, to include driving the large conversion van she rented to move it all. I did not anticipate how crappy I was going to feel after it was all said and done and she had retreated down to her room in the basement. Simply put I think I was mentally, and physically exhausted and went to bed feeling totally drained.
Wow Linda how are you handling that whole situation? I can imagine that has to be really tough, and I agree great reason to get remarried. Why is it that they can't seem to see that what they really need to do is get some help.... like real pro help?? It seems so obvious! I guess maybe that is my Mr. fixit side coming out. That list is a great one, and can I say... ummm yes to all of it. So many things on that list apply to me. I think that I am slowly working through acceptance to many of these things... and it is certainly hard work. Guilt in not stepping in the save my W has bee definitely a struggle. Like I think I told Cadet, letting go... of pretty much everything is probably the Key 180 that I can do. I'm always trying to fix things, or trying to minimize damage. I've been working on stoping that behavior, and taking that energy and refocusing it on healing myself.
Has she moved out yet? Nope not yet, supposedly in a little over a week will be the big move day (the 14th or 15th). Unfortunately I don't think that my lawyer has sent hers an email yet, as he said he would BCC me in on it. So no fallout from it yet... but I have no doubt that there will be, at least I'm preparing for it. Both of my D's are doing the best that they can i think. I actually got an email from a mutual friend of ours suggesting a counselor for my D8 to see. I felt it was out of the blue and when I inquired found out that her and my W had talked about it. Naturally I brought it up with my W on our way to her new place last night, and came up with a plan is my D8 expresses desire to do this.
OK so another question I have to put out there. What the heck do I do about my wedding ring? Do I keep wearing it? Do I take it off? My W took her's off before she actually filed the D paperwork months ago. Up until now I have kept mine on... but I'll be honest with you I'm starting to feel a little silly with it on.... I mean why? Now I'm sure that Cadet will jujitsu this question back onto me in someway But I'm curious if taking it off means I'm saying its done. If there is a question of why take it off... again I feel a bit silly with it on, if the other person and what it represents is gone/lost/ checked out right now. Also I can't help but think right now, as I sit across from a pretty woman, taking it off lets me go and talk to her. Am I wrong in this thinking? Like always your guy/girls impute is always welcome.
Side note its amazing how going for a run helps to clear my mind and brighten my mood.... even if it was on a treadmill cause it bitter cold out today. Operation AFSD continues with positive results... I got hit on in class yesterday
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
What the heck do I do about my wedding ring? Do I keep wearing it? Do I take it off? My W took her's off before she actually filed the D paperwork months ago. Up until now I have kept mine on... but I'll be honest with you I'm starting to feel a little silly with it on.... I mean why? Now I'm sure that Cadet will jujitsu this question back onto me in someway But I'm curious if taking it off means I'm saying its done. If there is a question of why take it off... again I feel a bit silly with it on, if the other person and what it represents is gone/lost/ checked out right now. Also I can't help but think right now, as I sit across from a pretty woman, taking it off lets me go and talk to her. Am I wrong in this thinking?
Personally I did not take my ring off until maybe 6 months after my divorce, which was just over three years ago. Bomb drop getting close to 6 years ago now.
I think this is a highly personal decision that their is no right or wrong answer.
As far as talking to someone else - thats OK. But I would not start a relationship with someone else until, I was divorced, I had healed from the marriage I was leaving, I looked at myself and really figured some things out.
I doubt you are DONE, just yet. These things all take TIME lots of TIME.
