Utterly Gutted Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Frank,

Put the focus back on yourself for 2 reasons.

1: You are the only one you can control. All this talk about HER issues, while just beginning to work on yours, sort of smacks of you wanting to fix HER and NOT YOU - and then of course you wanting to get her back, which is about control.

2: By YOU getting help, including the meds, she can see the example YOU set.

If she notices any changes in your life or attitude & comments, you can say you were depressed BUT you "got some help and it's really paying off". IF she has complimented you in some way for it, you then thank her and don't stare at her hoping she keeps talking. Just let her see the happiness and inner peace growing in you, and let nature take its course b/c of course she'll want in on that!

IF depression is an issue in her life that she is capable of addressing, it'd be far more likely to happen, by her seeing changes in your behavior and happiness level - than anything you might "suggest" to her.

Especially if you are so depressed yourself that your fears and inertia keep you stuck. What good would it do then, to have you tell her how she can fix herself while she sees you wallowing?

Wouldn't she just roll her eyes at you telling her what to do for HER depression while surrendering to your own?


We learn from what others DO, not what they say. Same goes for what others learn from us....or to put it another way, "actions speak louder than words".

Make sense?

[25yearsmlc]

None of this^^ is to say your wife is not depressed. And for SOME folks it is easier to end a marriage than a job, which is weird but true.

I'm simply reminding you that you really cannot convince her that SHE is her problem, with words.

IF IF IF any action you take could get her to stop and think it might be within her to repair this,

it would be by you taking charge of your life and happiness and Not being so depressed. Anyone witnessing that, will want to know "the secret".

(Of course the secret is, there's no secret. We are all in charge of our own lives and our own happiness and we always were).


Keep taking steps for that and moving forward.

[susana4]

Hey Frank, how's it going?

[Frank75]

Sorry for the hiatus, I went home to philly for a few weeks and reallllly needed that. I was surrounded by people that love me and that was good enough for me.

My second week there, my wife emails me telling me she went to the apartment i was looking at and they only had 1 unit for rent SO SHE GOT IT FOR ME. What, am i in the twilight zone??? I just said whatever, thanks because i was going to do it anyway. here's the kicker though, she picked me up from the airport and she's like "by the way, i moved your stuff for you"...so after like 16 hours of flying, all i wanted to do was go home to bed but instead i was moved into an apartment lol..i can't even begin to describe how i felt. This was last weekend.

And then the lexapro kicked in and i was like, you know what? I'm not even wasting my sanity on this anymore. So i embraced the apartment life, i'm LOVING it here, and i signed up for a few dating websites. I NEED to be loved again and I NEED someone to love. I'm not looking to rush into anything but i already met a few reallllly nice women and have a few dates set up. I'm blazing a trail forward, with or without my "wife". Funny how a few months, some counseling, some reading up on grief and some drugs can get you through the worst time of your life. Looking back at my old posts, i don't even know that sad person anymore. I was living in fear like someone here told me and F that...no more. Into the future!

[Frank75]

Oh and i can't remember if i said this before or not but last month she filed for divorce on her own and told me about it the next day. She really wanted out of this relationship i guess, i can't even fathom this whole situation so i just have to distance myself for my own sanity. I told her she's treating me like a wife beater or something, when in fact i'm probably one of the nicer people out there. Oh well.

[Sherman333]

It's amazing how they punish the ones who cared for them. I think we men give up to much to them and then this is our punishment.

Do you have a link to your original thread? Any advice you could give me would be appreciated as well. We might have similiar situations.

[Frank75]

It's amazing how they punish the ones who cared for them. I think we men give up to much to them and then this is our punishment.

Do you have a link to your original thread? Any advice you could give me would be appreciated as well. We might have similiar situations.

This is my original thread....this all started about 2 months ago. You can see from that first thread I was absolutely devastated and 8 weeks later i've accepted it.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...039#Post2529039

I know how you feel though, I wasn't the perfect husband but I didn't deserve to be treated like I was. I still don't understand her feelings and probably never will but she did this to me, so I can't feel guilty or anything anymore about moving on with my life. I'll always love her but I really don't think I can be IN love with her ever again after thinking about how much she's hurt me.

My advice to you would be to go to a doctor if you're depressed and get some pills, they helped me so much I can't even put it into words...and I was always pretty anti-pharmaceutical. Also, have the dr refer you to a counselor...that also helped me a tremendous amount. Having another person ask you the tough questions and get your feelings out there is a great start to moving forward.

[susana4]

Hi Frank, glad to hear you are doing better and feeling so positive! Sounds like the counseling and ADs have been effective and that's good, hope you're keeping up with the counseling.

I just wanted to say though that I would caution you about the dating. Everyone moves at their own pace and will obviously be ready at different times *but* it hasn't even been 2 months since BD and that seems awwwfully early to be dating to me. I don't think it's fair on the women you are seeing (are you really ready for them?) but nor do I think it's fair on yourself, you need to give yourself time to process this, work on yourself and then move on. I'd encourage you to look within and ask yourself why you're dating at this point - is it to cover up the pain?

Also this statement was a little concerning to me --

I NEED to be loved again and I NEED someone to love.

I'd encourage you to dig deep on that one. You NEED to be loved? That doesn't sound healthy. You are a whole complete person on your own. As I've heard others say - you're the cake, ok? Any R is the icing on top. Sounds like you're confusing the cake and the icing.

[Frank75]

Hi Susana

After counseling and some deep thought, I realized that I have been pretty much alone for at least a year and more like 2. I wasn't married, I haven't been so much as kissed in 2 years (TMI? Sorry). So even though this whole thing is 2-3 months old, it goes back further than that. I know I had a breakdown about it but that's as much about losing a best friend as anything else. I just want to get back out there. I'm 100% honest about everything when I talk to other women and you're right, some of them don't want to be a rebound but after I explain my situation they don't mind hanging out. I'm just looking to make friends first and if I happen to meet 'the one', so be it. I'm just playing it by ear.

[Sotto]

Hi Frank - there's truly no offence intended here. But I would guess that most sensible women would give you and your sitch a wide berth right now. I think Susana is spot on, and your time may be best spent working through things, understanding yourself better, and moving forwards/healing alone.

It sounds like early days to think about dating - and probably isn't a healthy move - IMHO.