My new DB journey

[4mendmj]

New to the board. Tripped on the website a few months ago when I was still chasing and crying and trying interventions and all the stuff the group knows doesn't work. Tripped on the site again about a week ago. Started reading and reading and reading. Realized how much I love the concept and the message of making me ME again. I read somewhere I should post short messages in the beginning for moderation purposes I guess so will start with hello, this [censored], but I already have a smile on my face more often then I have in 2 years.

[4mendmj]

I have ordered DR and should arrive in the mail later this week although I had unknowingly been doing some DBing in recent weeks. W and I have our first ever joint session tomorrow and I have hope. W is still in an affair. The affair is actually with another woman and that woman has a man as well and they are all involved, although I do not know to what degree physically but I do know that all 3 of them know of each other and they all spend time together. W has been gone from our home 5-7 days a week for a year running constantly with this OW. W recently started going to solo counseling sessions within the same office and has gone to 4ish solo sessions so I am hoping this is helping her too. I do not want to get divorced as I truly love my wife and just want to be able to spend my life with her.

I read about the fog you all describe, I see it soooo clearly in her. She literally doesn't even know what she is doing and the fact that she has lost soo much time from her D is sad.

Her counselor diagnosed her as depressed having been that way for some time which explains more to me. I would have had no clue about anything about depression before all this but it explains the money spending problems W has had in the last # of years, helps explain her inability to help around the house for years. I am essentially the wife in our marriage in recent years and lots of what I have read in the last week helps me remember....it is time to be a MAN again! Diffused my first fight Saturday thanks to all the great advice on the board. She blew up at our D for not listening and ended up putting her in timeout. When W came back out into the living room our D ran her mouth from her bedroom and I chuckled as it was sort of funny. Wife blew up on me saying it is not funny and I didn't do anything to help. With a smile on my face, I calmly said "I thought you handled it perfectly and you have asked me to not jump in and rescue you so much so was following your wishes". Less is more and I normally would have gone on for 10 minutes about this. 10 seconds is all I said (again, thanks for this board's advice). 15 minutes later, she was the nicest I have seen in a month and has been that way for 36 hours since.

W has been sleeping in another room in our home for the past few weeks. Last night came into our bed in the middle of the night and slept next to me for 2 hours before returning to her room. I never said a word when she came in, she crawlend in behind me, I held her hand against my chest and did everything I could to just fall back asleep. A while later I had to use the restrooom and got up. She instantly asked where was I going? I said I just had to use the bathroom and when I came back to bed she had rolled over and I got to be the big spoon! Felt sooooooo good to lay next to my wife and fall asleep.

The fact that W is still with OW is very hard on me. I had previously asked for a divorce in 12/14 even though it was not what I wanted I said it was the 2nd to the last thing I wanted but being lied to while she was in an affair was even worse. I have not taken that message back and do not yet know what DR book will tell me about how to handle the OW but for now, I do not mention their name, I am beginning to GAL for myself and my D and she is already starting to notice the little changes. I am making myself less available and I end the conversation or text convo or evening. I am trying. I am scared but I am trying. I read the 37 rules and will be shaving more often I have been controlling in the past and treated her inferior because she would not help around the house and blew all our money but I need to learn to let that go too. Time, I have time and I do not have patience so I am working on that part right now.

I wonder how many folks read these boards and never post. I am not a poster kind of person but wanted if nothing else to say thank you to everyone for the advice and knowledge that is on here.
Thank you

[MrBond]

Welcome. Hang in there because there's always hope. You won't find a greater group of people who will try to help you get your marriage back on track.

Has she been in a relationship with women before? What issues did the two of you have in the marriage? The more information we have, the better.

[4mendmj]

Thank you MrBond for the questions. No, she has not been in a relationship with other women before nor had I any inkling either that she would have been interested. The OW is her gym instructor. With my W's recent diagnosis of being depressed, it explains more the money spending waves where she would drain our checking account, it helps explain the wanting to workout 5-7 days a week. The OW is in a long-term relationship with a quadriplegic man where she is the care taker and became his lover as well. My W is the 3rd OW for her all while in this relationship with the quad. Each woman was depressed apparently or in a struggling relationship. Essentially IMO, the OW is a predator. The OW cannot have children and absolutely wants to be able to "inherit" our D6 as well as the 3 of them (W, OW and D6 all went and got mani-pedi's and went to Dairy Queen yesterday. It hurt so bad to hear my daughter tell me last night that her best friend (OW) and her got to do all these fun things together. My W has involved our D6 in their fun for over a year although D6 does not understand they are having a PA between my W and the OW and the OW's man. It is trully messed up IMO.

Problems we have had in the marriage.... I get we all have issues and part of what I am trying to learn frankly are what are mine. I consider myself a quite normal person. After not getting even 10% of the help from my W for years, I did eventually go from asking nicely or trying to involve her or whatever to shaming or making her feel inferior for not helping care for our home or our D. I also have been told that I am controlling but IMO that stems from me saying W needs to spend less money when she blows $1500+ in 45 days on nothing but coffees, clothes and out to lunches when our income cannot support that. My W literally has 3 closets of clothing at this stage and piles of shoes etc. I also became controlling of her time once my W begain literally being gone 5-7 days a week for the past 18 months as she would either come home and change and "say hello" and then leave for the evening/night not getting home until past midnight or not even coming home at all. I have been practically a single parent for 18 months.

I have saught a lawyer and have paperwork all drawn up but have not filed. The lawyer tells me with the "evidence" I have that I have an 80-90% chance of sole custody of D6 due to child abandonment and some mental abuse with my W having became totally irrational in the last year and blowing her top or yelling at our D or threatening her to never take her somewhere again if she didn't behave etc. Thankfully from what I have read on the board, this is unfortunately common and W is just taking out all of her guilt on us. It is sad for the D and myself but I have hope.

Only other issue I can think of would be that I have traded for sex before. W would want to go out this day and that day and we have both innitiated trades but I would want sex or higher quality sex instead of "let's get this over with" I would want the fun and foreplay etc. I realize that is not healthy but at the time it was one of the few ways I was still getting what felt like fun and healthy intimacy. I have been seeing a counselor since November for myself about once a week as I was very sad/hurt/ashamed/the whole OW being a woman and all that stuff is hard. It feels like my W is literally just messed up right now but from what I read here, she will not see any of that unless she hits rock bottom.

Again, I do not have the book yet as it is in the mail but I am now shaving daily, going out once a week now with guy friends for an evening, I will be signing up for the YMCA so D6 and I can go swim or whatever. I weighed myself this morning and was surprised I had not put on weight which is good but hope the exercise will help my body and help me sleep better at night which has been a huge struggle in the last 4 months. First time in my entire life I cannot go to sleep at night and if I wake up in the middle of the night, I cannot go back to sleep. Completely foreign to me but starting to get better some nights.

My goals today during our joint session is to say "I understand that that's how you feel" more than once instead of justify or argue or whatever. I am hesitant to ask for anything that I want in the session as I realize asking for anything right now is a waste of time until/if she ends the affair so I am going to be asking for a family night once a week where all 3 of us do something together and my 2nd request will be that if I make her feel inferior or berated in the future, that she gently tell me right away so I can identify what it is I said or did that made her feel that way. Sort of a reverse psychology thing in that it is teaching her how to communicate better as she is horrible at that and makes me look like I am trying to improve myself with my request which is true. I am willing to grow and change and improve myself for myself and for our marriage.

[4mendmj]

First joint session was today. W spent most of the time saying everything that seems typical from what I read here which is all just that doesn't know if marriage is worth saving, didn't have a single thing to provide to me to improve on. Counselor asks how can he help make it better if you cannot provide him with things that need improved. W didn't have anything. Counselor told her that we will wait on another joint session until both parties involved are willing to work on the marriage. W is still with OW so all I can do is wait for the book delivery, read, DB, GAL, give space. No clue.

Counselor asked W what kinds of signs can you give him that you want him to reach out to you. She had none. Admitted she tries sometimes and it feels good and other times reaches out and then it feels wrong. I was able to say a few things like "I understand that that's how you feel" and acknowledged the things that I am working on like not keeping score and not being controlling. But I did not give away DBing or the little changes I am making.

Tomorrow I am off work and making an all about me day. Massage, evening out with friends, going to check out the local YMCA etc.

What is going good?
She did come to our room a few nights ago in the middle of the night and slept next to me for a few hours before leaving again to go back to her room. That was the first time since she started sleeping in another room in the home 3 weeks ago.
She has done a few acts of service like offer to get me something from the kitchen when she was up etc.

[4mendmj]

Last 2 days have been hard. After the Tuesday joint session with the counselor, W has been extremely cold since. I guess I should have anticipated it because why on earth would she want to talk about our marriage and have to hear from the counselor that she should be fighting for our marriage for the sake of the child and that love can re-grow and all the stuff a cheater doesn't want to hear. I went and got a massage for myself yesterday for the first time in forever. It felt heavenly. I spent more time in my room instead of the living room yesterday on purpose reading a book being less available but happy and smiling whenever I was around or around our D6. Last night was my once a week out with a friend evening and I had a blast with a buddy. Went out to supper, went bowling, laughed, had fun. Felt great.

Book will arrive on Saturday so I will have a lot of reading to do in the coming days to get a better idea of what I have going on.

I guess I am supposed to feel lucky that she is still in the home and "has not decided yet" whether she is going to leave the OW or request a divorce. But boy it sure [censored] being in limbo now for over 4 months now that I have known about the PA.

[C24]

Yes being in limbo is painful. I am only starting to accept that the journey will be a long one and that I will get through this and that no matter what I will be ok. Be thankful that your W is still in the same house as is my H. But dealing with that there is the other person that they are still invovled is the hardest thing I have ever done. Just remember you are strong and very brave - at the end of this journey you will be able to say you did your very best. "You hae to accpet whatever comes - the most important thing is that you meet it with the best you have to give".

[LovinUs]

Yes, it is good that she is still in your home. It sounds like you are doing what you can. It takes courage to share your story.

[4mendmj]

Well I found out this morning that both the W and the OW have yeast infections. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it certainly is painful to think I have not been intimate with my wife since September and yet they are apparently sharing more than they intended to. Wife has been very distant still since the joint session on Tuesday but trying not to mind read but still doing it, it might explain part of the dstance. There is probably guilt in knowing you have this. I was hoping W had her anti-depressant meds increased in dosage as she is on a very low dose at this time but instead found the script and receipt for the OW in our home in the room W is sleeping in. It just all hurts.

I am off this weekend and am struggling with how distant to be or how much I try to involve the W in D6 & I's activities. Advice?

Book arrives tomorrow and will be excited to start delving into it although finding time other than at night once I go to bed and before I actually go to sleep will be the only time I can read it in privacy since the book and even the knowledge of the book is just for me.

[C24]

I would let W know you have made plans with D this weekend and she is welcome to join you. Without being rude make it clear that your plans won't change wethere she comes or not. This way she knows you & D are going to have fun with or without her and that you are getting on with life. Regardless have fun!