I am so grateful you told me about the debt your xh racked up and that he invaded your retirement account. I have access to all accounts but like you said, he could have something I don't know about. Duly noted. I will definitely mention it to the atty when we meet (she didn't return my call, oy).
You're not scaring me; I need the facts. Comfort comes in knowing what I need to know to make the best choices I can for myself and my D.
When he calls tonight to talk to D, I'll tell him I need I do some thinking before we sit down to talk but that I'll let him know a good time for me and we can do that soon. How's that sound?
I don't think it will anger him, and like you said, who cares?
I've decided what I need to do, I just need to remember that I shouldn't and simply can't do it all and solve it all in 30 days. Taking time to think things through, to calm down before interactions, to be the person I've learned to be in the face of all of this.
I want to look back on all this and say "you did good, Ss, you did real good".
You're right, uR, I did need to see some things in order to regain control. I knew about emails to escorts back in July. I conveniently was clouded by my desire to change and hope to make things work that I didn't really perceive the magnitude of it all this time. The separation provided the space for me to not have to face it so I thought *maybe* he's making changes. I didn't see anything to the contrary so I chose to believe the best.
Then BLAMO!! FB suggests a new friend and just like that the facts hit me. Duh.
I don't know why but I'm kind of surprised that you think he has serious issues. I know it's not ok in any way. So much so I'm pretty sure it's DB-proof.
See, I don't trust my perspective often and it's always a shock to me when someone validates what I suspect to be true but I'm not sure because I don't trust my perspective.
I'm gathering myself up, guys. I'm working worst-scenarios in my head (this helps me prepare so I'm not caught off guard... Old habit from an abusive childhood) and I'm visualizing how I want to present myself through this.
I'm laughing at myself for being in denial for this long but it's what I needed at the time, and I'm so glad you folks are there to walk me out of that trap.
In yoga yesterday my teacher was talking about how she's in the business of transformation; of helping people notice the brick wall (resistance) and to build a door in it. She went on to say that doors inside us only open from the inside so we have a responsibility there.
I found that all very interesting and it really resonated with me. This was spoken quite literally as I was thinking about D, something I've been resisting for months, possibly years now. I'm determined to build a door and to have the courage to walk through it with my head held high.
(((SS))). You've been such a good listener to me on here. Thinking about you tonight. Sounds like you got a lot of great advice. I agree that you should take your time and let your H know you need to think.
p.s. I have a couple of bird pictures in my living room and I find them very calming. It does make me think of Portlandia though and "Put a bird on it!"
Didn't mean to refer to something silly during such a tough time. Sometimes it helps me to laugh. I'm so sorry for what you're going through though. I know that this is very hard.
Last edited by Lorelai; 01/28/1503:46 AM.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
The debt thing is why I'm working on legal seperation papers now. As Ur explained quite eloquently to you. I not so elequently barked at Mozza (sorry Mozza!) the same thing. I let my H take over the finances while I finished my last grueling semester of grad school. In the time I took it over, he racked up multiple Bills, couldn't pay them (we didn't have enough money), insisted that I didn't need to her a full time job, opened up a post office box to have the bills diverted so I wouldn't find out, and didn't pay our mortgage one month. He then got several pay day loans to the tune of 30% over 5 years!!!!! And still didn't tell me. I sound out when I got notification that my credit score tanked 40 points one afternoon. And the next day, mid shower? In the winter? Has the electric company turn the power off at the base. I spent a year cleaning up that mess with him and he still owes money. Because my state is no fault, any bills he's racking up right now (and I know he is, he's not picking up his mail.) can be on me. His truck is on it's last leg. Any purchase? Could fall to me. And if we can't come to an agreement over what is what, then the court will decide. I will be be infuriated if I have to pay for a debt that was taken out behind my back. I have no idea what my H is doing with money. You have no idea what yours is doing. Ss, protect yourself and your child. Do not assume your h will do the right thing. My dad made it a pony to divorce my mom and gleefully left her penniless from the divorce. Refused to pay child support as well.
Circle the wagons. You may need it, you may not. But you have to protect your family unit.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I feel the way I do about him because of his interactions with you and your daughter. Just some stuff that sticks out to me, ya know?
I told you that I wanted to be able to look back and see some things. They were these..I wanted to know I did nothing to cause harm to the relationship he had with our son. I wanted to see that I walked this with courage, strength, dignity and honor. I wanted to know that I did everything I could to save my marriage as long as it wasnt at the expense of me and I wanted to find my worth.
I am not telling you that divorce is the answer for you at this time. That is a decision only you can make. I have seen marriages come back from some horrific things.
Only you know what your line in the sand is. I am, however, telling you that you need to protect yourself financially and emotionally. You have worked too hard to get to here.
And I dont want you to feel badly about denial. We can accept what we need to when we can. When there is love involved, it makes that harder.
I can feel you gathering your strength, S. Good for you. Do what you must to be able to act from that place. If it takes a few days, then so be it. As I said, you dont owe him anything.
I feel the way I do about him because of his interactions with you and your daughter. Just some stuff that sticks out to me, ya know?
Oh really? Interactions with us both? I'd love to hear specifics!
Maybell, Claire, uR, Card, Cali, ganb8te, lorelai, Calibri, thank you all for your support and suggestions. Really. It's so good to have you in my circle!
H asked if I got his text after talking to D. I've noticed for a while that he doesn't refer to me as "mom" when he's talking to D. I'm "your mom". Yeah. I notice details like that but whether contacting escorts is illegal? Whew.
Anyway, I calmly and collectively said, "I need some time to sort of gather my thoughts." He paused, looked at me a second or two (FaceTime, Blech) then said, "mm, ok... Uuuh. I'll check back in with you..." I just said, "I'll let you know, ok?" He said ok and we couldn't hang up fast enough after that.
I searched the internet for reviews on local attorneys... Found another one that seems to be strong when necessary. Family practice... I'll call them tomorrow.
18 years, folks. I left home at 16, met stbx when I was 19... That means I've been with him longer than I was living at home with my parents.
Hi Ss06. I don't make it around here much anymore, but I'm always checking on your threat. So sorry to read about the latest developments. I have a feeling you and I would be friends IRL so I am feeling a tiny bit of your pain right now. And I am with uR in that I like that "I'll let you know" caught him off guard.
