Happiness Can Exist Only In Acceptance

[Karma12]

More great advice there in the above threads for you HP. Thanks for dropping by my thread.

[LITB]

You don't respond in anger to anyone's post, which I see as quite a strength for someone who says they are coping with a great deal of anger in their stitch.

HP...I agree wholeheartedly with sandi's entire post. Wanted to add to this part. You are grateful to those that post to you, and demonstrate humility. When you are appreciative of people trying to help you, they want to see you succeed and offer you their support.

[HPoirot]

The board has several favorite people. Those who most people really like and have a growing respect for them. These are the ones we just feel kind of special towards, and really want to see them succeed (which means different things to different people).

HP, you definitely fall into this category, IMHO. Your thread has stayed very active since the beginning, and I think it draws us b/c we sincerely want to help in any way we can....and you seem to really be trying to follow the advice given. We see you struggle; see you hurt; see you regroup and discipline yourself to strive harder; see your love for your son outweigh other emotions; see you take a lot of 2x4's :); and see you take it like a gentleman. I don't recall you making many excuses. You don't respond in anger to anyone's post, which I see as quite a strength for someone who says they are coping with a great deal of anger in their stitch.

I just wanted to say that all of this is impressive. I think you are doing a terrific job, even if you can't see it. Doing the right thing is not always easy.

When life is over and they bury you in the ground, they will place a headstone that will have your name, date of birth and date of death. In between the dates is one little mark.....a dash. Have you ever noticed? It is what is in that dash that really tells the story about your life. How you lived your days between those two dates. I believe you want and are trying to live it with integrity, HP. Accepting what you cannot change, and making the most of what you can.....and of what you have right now. Living with honor, and being the role model for not only your child, but for many who may be here....watching and learning.

I believe you are going to be fine, b/c you are willing to do what is right.

As another favorite person from the past would have said, "Cheers".

Hello Sandi. I'm am extremely humbled by your words. I cannot thank you enough for your kindness and for your supporting and seeing my efforts the way you do. You are right that I don't see myself doing well sometimes. That you think I've made progress gives me strength... real strength... to keep on working to live with integrity. You and all vets here are angels to me and all of us here working to become better people. For everybody I thank you for your being here everyday. For the real life changing support you give here. Count on me to do my best to follow your and all advice. I do want to live.

[HPoirot]

HP, lose her number. Get it out of your phone.

1) You know very well that you are in no place to start an R right now,

2) Remember who this is - it's your OW. OW. What was the basis of that relationship again? Oh ya, OW. Today you are daydreaming about a daydream from 5 years ago. It's a mirage. It's not real. It's the sirens luring you to the rocks. Hard to port, man!

HP, you are through the worst of the detachment process, finally in a position to start making a good future for HP. Don't buy another problem for short money.

Such good advice.

I'm still at a loss as to how this^^ can make any sense to you, WHILE being so angry at your w for the same thing.

(Yes, I see it as the same thing. I do not distinguish your early affair from her present one. Sorry, but your OW ended the A, not you. If I'd been your w, and knew that, it would always linger in my memory until if and when I did my own form of DBing...

which you could demonstrate to her)

anyhow, back to You and your GAL...

Yes thank you 25. I did have my A with my OW 5 years ago. For whatever reason it ended... my feelings for her were poisonous to my M and played a large part of why I'm here today. I can demonstrate empathy and an understanding of how I damaged my M to my W.

[HPoirot]

- He was in a sad and agitated way after getting frustrated with his guitar practice. I was getting frustrated too so the ride really helped us both. He cheered up to his happy self soon. I'm getting there.

Moods can be contagious. Which type do you want your son to feel??

We're watching an Indiana Jones movie so it's all good now. But he's still sad... still wanting this to be fixed. It's not going to be fixed.


Let him feel as he feels. The only way past it is thru it. As long as he learns that the pain is NOT fatal OR eternal, he might be learning very valuable lessons.

But the part about not letting this go on too long (not eternal) and the part about how it's not fatal (b/c you do heal) may need to be taught and modeled by YOU, don't you think?


We've been in the condo a little over a month. I'm much better than I was when I first walked in here. Still a long way to go, but my mind is much calmer. No more shakes... no more out of control anger. I get a full nights sleep now. I don't feel overwhelming sadness.

^^^PROGRESS!!! Congrats!

I made a slow cooker steak and gravy and mashed potatoes for dinner. I can be much more productive... but I think by next week I'll be at 85%. On my way up.

No I'm not on my GAL plan. IC mentioned that yesterday. The Crossfit was fine and I need it... but I'm not interested.


Instead of waiting for your emotions to cause behavior/action in you,

try behaving/acting first, and creating the emotions.

That's the essence of those TED TALKS of Amy Cuddy and Shawn Achor. I highly recommend watching them. The "fake it til you become it" and "The Power of Positivity" are not just wishful thinking. There's strong empirical data supporting their hypothesis.

You have more control over how you FEEL, than you realize.


I'm not sure what I'd be really, passionately, obsessively interested to do in this city right now. I want to find that thing.

You can't "Find" it by waiting for it.

Go exploring, studying, volunteering, creating...and you may thereby "find" it or create it.


That's always been my problem here in winter. I want a sunny, warm beach and seawater.

I'll have to post my GAL list to you soon. I did the things in it, in Alaska's interior...mostly in the winter.

The colder darker the place, the MORE you must GAL. Not the other way around.


I love to go for long swims in the evening. Swimming in the rain is even better. I could do that everyday. If I had that GAL would be easy.


I could be wrong but imo, GAL means by definition, pushing the envelope and expanding your comfort zones by going out of them. IF GAL were easy, imo, it's Not really GAL.

Doing NEW things with NEW people, is key to GAL. There is always the fear and inertia to prevent it....
-

I don't know what happens next.

I feel like I have everything and nothing.

Just so you know, none of us know what happens next. Welcome to humanity.

HP, you want to be a good man and I think you are on your way to becoming that guy. Stay the course. IT's why there is so much support for you.

You want to rise above the venial urges many feel...and that's admirable.

But please please consider the advice you are getting AND FOLLOW IT more.

We say these things b/c we know they helped us and most of us have been where you are, in some form.

((( )))

Thank you 25. I take your advice and that from the TED videos more and more. I am showing my boy more of my content and moving forward side. We are certainly laughing more around here. Thank you again for the videos... they do help.

Inspired by Pink... I have found a capoeira class. They also do samba classes. Anything Brazil is interesting to me. Chance to meet people I might like too. I will check it out and would certainly be stretching myself.

I know the GAL advice I need to follow much more. I am getting past my low level of general excitement and will get there.

[HPoirot]

You don't respond in anger to anyone's post, which I see as quite a strength for someone who says they are coping with a great deal of anger in their stitch.

HP...I agree wholeheartedly with sandi's entire post. Wanted to add to this part. You are grateful to those that post to you, and demonstrate humility. When you are appreciative of people trying to help you, they want to see you succeed and offer you their support.

Hello and thank you LITB. You as you say I feel immensely grateful for the advice here. The words from you and everyone here have helped me turn this from a nightmare into a life adventure. Especially your story LITB. I have read it twice and will read it again for inspiration. I have only been separated from my W for a month. Funny how already this adventure has seemed very long. Now I'm just looking to settle in to getting myself together. I'm still not feeling like I'm leaving the door open for R with my W. But I'm feeling after another month of being dim, getting better at being cordial and friendly, then maybe I can give a small amount of focus to interactions with my W.

I believe, in your sitch, you did not have much freindly contact with your W for a while after she moved? That gives me the idea that my W's anger might fade after a few more weeks. For now, she always apologizes for calling on her VMs and even is a little transparent about where she's going.

Even so, actively thinking of things other than W. Thank you again LITB.

[sofaraway]

HP, lose her number. Get it out of your phone.

1) You know very well that you are in no place to start an R right now,

2) Remember who this is - it's your OW. OW. What was the basis of that relationship again? Oh ya, OW. Today you are daydreaming about a daydream from 5 years ago. It's a mirage. It's not real. It's the sirens luring you to the rocks. Hard to port, man!

HP, you are through the worst of the detachment process, finally in a position to start making a good future for HP. Don't buy another problem for short money.

Such good advice.

I'm still at a loss as to how this^^ can make any sense to you, WHILE being so angry at your w for the same thing.

(Yes, I see it as the same thing. I do not distinguish your early affair from her present one. Sorry, but your OW ended the A, not you. If I'd been your w, and knew that, it would always linger in my memory until if and when I did my own form of DBing...

which you could demonstrate to her)

anyhow, back to You and your GAL...

Yes thank you 25. I did have my A with my OW 5 years ago. For whatever reason it ended... my feelings for her were poisonous to my M and played a large part of why I'm here today. I can demonstrate empathy and an understanding of how I damaged my M to my W.

Hey HP,
25 has always much more poignant than I am and has a much sweeter disposition!


So with that said, here is what I do not get. You agreed that you should not talk to OW and then you go and talk to OW??? Why? What good could possibly come of that?

So the reason I suggested that movie was to teach you about how you should be thinking and about making decisions that are above reproach and within the framework of your objective. Currently, and correct me if I am wrong on this, that objective is to better yourself and hopefully restore your marriage within that change. So the questions we have to ask ourselves are simple, is the action I take something I would be ok with on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper or is it something that would;
a. Hurt someone!
b. Embarrass you?
c. Not represent you in the way you wish to be viewed

So tell me this dude, would you be ok with putting it on the front page of the paper that you have been communicating with your ex affair while trying to reconcile your marriage?

Ian

[HPoirot]

Hello Ian. No it would not be a good headline that I was talking with my ex affair partner at this time. Whatever I thought about just talking about my problems with her... it quickly became something else. I don't want anyone else to hurt more. I want to do the right thing. I want to be happy.

Even so, I don't want to try to reconcile my M now. I want to really let go of it. If there's a chance later... maybe ok then. So I don't want to burn the bridge. I recognize from my anger I may already have.

There's something better for me to do and be right now. I want to find it and find some real joy for myself and my son.

XW calls and leaves VMs. I answer by text when I can. I work to not think of her.

My son calls his mom when he wants. Last night I heard him again asking her to fix her problem and come back to us. Telling her how his life is ruined and he's having trouble in school. I do not get into their relationship and do not ask him what was said between them. I do show happiness for the both of us. I help him with his homework. I tell him he will be OK.

Today I have an IC appointment to work on my detachment. I not doing the co-parenting IC with W for now.

Tonight I have S12's basketball game.

She had changed the schedule again so I have him weeknights and she weekends. This weekend, the first of the new schedule, S12 was supposed to stay with his mom. He complained to his mom. She asked me to keep him here overnight and she would take him during the day. I said OK. I'm happy for all this time with my son.

Ok I'm trying not to say it but I will... I'm sick of this again. I want to detach.

[HPoirot]

Funny thing... Yesterday I ran out of sleeping pills. I've never needed them before now... And I'm feeling so much better... Even happy... With the ADs... So I figured I'm done with sleeping pills.

Ended up awake this morning at 2:30. Laid there for an hour... Mind wandering. It wasn't as bad as before. Not really bad at all. Thought about some regrets... Things I could have easily changed. Thought about the future. Kept it hopeful.

This morning I'm sleepy. Just woke up from a hard nap.

Clearly I need GAL to look forward to. I just have to do it.

[Vapo]

Ditch regrets, that is your past. Learn from your past, but do not live in the past, so 86 the regrets!

Don't contemplate the future, as it away. Focus on here and now and today. Today is what matters. Do not live in the future OR the past. Live today for today and for yourself. You matter. You are the single most important person in your life and yet you treat yourself like dirt (not just you, all of us treat ourselves as dirt, until we learn better).

When you wake up in the morning be kind to yourself, gently stroke your head and say your thanks out loud, that you are thankful for waking up and say all the things you are thanking for. Then you ask for guidance for that day, what you want that in that day. Might sound silly, but do give it a go!