Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[sofaraway]

First a question, have you watched the movie I suggested to you? Kind of a willingness check to me to see if you actually follow through with suggestions when you believe you would do anything to fix this situation. Particularly for your S12.

I'm going to hit you with some points now;

You need to learn the difference between spew and conversation. Sometimes your W spews at you and you engage it as conversation.

S12 is old enough to have conversations with his mother without you in earshot. Let them have their conversations privately and only get involved if S12 comes to you because he needs your help in it. It tends to come off as manipulative listening to and quoting your sons back and forth with his mom.

You do not have to give her road maps to your reactions and behaviors. She doesn't need to know you are going to limit your talking to her. She will figure that out.

You don't need a moderator, she does. Are you filing? Until it is you ending your marriage you don't need to do jack [censored] as far as moderating your marriage goes.

If she wants family therapy, let her set it up and you attend when she tells you where to be, that simple.

Lastly, this: "I have to do whatever I can to make W's plans work regarding him." ..... You need to change that statement to "I have to do whatever I can to take care of and protect S12" Don't make it a battle about your ex, make it about your S12's well being.

Once again, see that movie I suggested and learn a bit about how to be the best dad you can to your child.

HP, you have to remove yourself from the drama in order to become drama free. there is way to much interaction and way to much conversation occurring right now that is not in line with what you are trying to do. Release the chains a bit and step outside yourself to see where you are trying to manipulate the situation. It's there, and you are aware of it, you just are so flustered and your brain is moving so fast that you cannot focus on it and fix it. Slow the hamster wheel in your brain down long enough to see the real problems.


Ian

[HPoirot]

When I say "enduring the infidelity" I mean how long are you willing to put up with the fact that she is having an A, how long are you willing to wait. I don't mean accepting or condoning the A. It is clear that you are not.

I think there is a fine line between being polite and friendly, versus giving her the best of both worlds. She is already in an active A. She clearly wants increased and friendly contact. Yes, I agree there is no benefit to anyone by continuing to respond angrily or ignoring her. But too much friendliness may begin to satisfy her desires.

Im not sure if this is coming off clearly. Basically, at what point will her emotional needs be satisfied by you HP, and just be careful that you don't reach that point because then she will have no reason to change her actions

Hey TLEE. Thanks and yes I get you. I've been trying to look at this from W's perspective.

Yes she says she had an A and says she feel terrible that she did. That it damaged her. She wants to blame me b/c, as she says, I "left her vulnerable to it."

Now that I've left her and say I'm moving on (I need to stop backsliding on this with R talks)... she now wants to feel she's just having a R, not an A, and has no R with me.

Any R I have with her would be a new R. I just have to be in a position to start that if it's ever possible.

So I have to get out of her way... really open the cage... identify and stop any manipulating I'm doing... and get on with my life. Her life may or may not implode on it's own. I can't be the reason her life get worse.

So yes just be polite without, as you say, fully meeting her needs for now.

[Starsky309]

HP,

It occurs to me that, 3 months and THOUSANDS of posts in, 99% of your posts can still be boiled down to "How to I communicate with my wayward wife?"

I'm not saying it's easy, and I'm not saying it's not important -- it is, especially for S12's sake -- but somehow, you have GOT to start moving into other goals and actions.

I liken it to an athlete, who needs to commit certain basic moves to "muscle memory" so that he can play the game at a fast, high level without having to concentrate on the basic moves.

INTROSPECTION is a critical part of successful DBing, and of successful LIFE-living. You have to watch that it doesn't cross over into NAVEL-GAZING however, and the ol' "paralysis-by-analysis."

Not a criticism (as I know this is really difficult, especially with your wife's erratic behavior and game-playing) -- just an observation.


Starsky

[HPoirot]

First a question, have you watched the movie I suggested to you? Kind of a willingness check to me to see if you actually follow through with suggestions when you believe you would do anything to fix this situation. Particularly for your S12.

I'm going to hit you with some points now;

You need to learn the difference between spew and conversation. Sometimes your W spews at you and you engage it as conversation.

S12 is old enough to have conversations with his mother without you in earshot. Let them have their conversations privately and only get involved if S12 comes to you because he needs your help in it. It tends to come off as manipulative listening to and quoting your sons back and forth with his mom.

You do not have to give her road maps to your reactions and behaviors. She doesn't need to know you are going to limit your talking to her. She will figure that out.

You don't need a moderator, she does. Are you filing? Until it is you ending your marriage you don't need to do jack [censored] as far as moderating your marriage goes.

If she wants family therapy, let her set it up and you attend when she tells you where to be, that simple.

Lastly, this: "I have to do whatever I can to make W's plans work regarding him." ..... You need to change that statement to "I have to do whatever I can to take care of and protect S12" Don't make it a battle about your ex, make it about your S12's well being.

Once again, see that movie I suggested and learn a bit about how to be the best dad you can to your child.

HP, you have to remove yourself from the drama in order to become drama free. there is way to much interaction and way to much conversation occurring right now that is not in line with what you are trying to do. Release the chains a bit and step outside yourself to see where you are trying to manipulate the situation. It's there, and you are aware of it, you just are so flustered and your brain is moving so fast that you cannot focus on it and fix it. Slow the hamster wheel in your brain down long enough to see the real problems.


Ian

Hello Ian. Thank you for your guidance. I have Courageous rented and will watch it tonight.

Agree on all your points.

Yes I must stay out of S12's conversations with his mom. I do tell W about the struggles S12 has b/c I want her to see the impact of what she's doing. I see that is manipulation from me and pressure on him. He can get to the point where he can talk with his mom if he wants to on his own. It has to be about his well being, you're right of course.

No more telling her boundaries. No more engaging her spew. Just "I'm hanging up the phone now" and then do it.

Slowing down. OK.

Even though I say I'm moving on and want to... I am stuck on the wanting our R to renew. So I did get sucked into those 2 R talks were I was still trying to talk logic to her and tell her my side. She strangely (to me) seems happy to have these talks which wrongly opens me up to hope that we can talk this through. so I just keep talking without thinking which is very bad.

So you're right and I'm releasing the chains.

[PatientMan]

Wanting to reconcile with your W is reason enough to not speak with OW, but it appears that may be out for you (correct me if that is wrong). Here's another reason: stop chumming it up with your former affair partner because she is someone else's wife. It's entirely inappropriate.

-PM

[sandi2]

Here's another reason: stop chumming it up with your former affair partner because she is someone else's wife. It's entirely inappropriate.

I have to agree with this, HP. You are emotionally vulnerable right now. It makes you feel a little too good when she talks to you, plus she's calling more often. Just b/c she lives in another country does not prevent an A. You don't want to be on the same level as your W's OM.

[HPoirot]

Wanting to reconcile with your W is reason enough to not speak with OW, but it appears that may be out for you (correct me if that is wrong). Here's another reason: stop chumming it up with your former affair partner because she is someone else's wife. It's entirely inappropriate.

-PM

Here's another reason: stop chumming it up with your former affair partner because she is someone else's wife. It's entirely inappropriate.

I have to agree with this, HP. You are emotionally vulnerable right now. It makes you feel a little too good when she talks to you, plus she's calling more often. Just b/c she lives in another country does not prevent an A. You don't want to be on the same level as your W's OM.

Understood and you are both right. I will stop chumming it up with her. Thank you.

[TenBook]

Sometimes HP, I feel the difference between you and I is about 4-6 months.

[HPoirot]

Hey vasapro. You mean I'm 4-6 months ahead of you? If so, I hope all this helps you get through.

My W has another problem today. She called and I answered businesslike. She asks if she can drop S12 at the condo before his basketball game tonight.

This because her aunt's husband had a terrible irritable bowl syndrome accident last night. He unfortunately had to go to the hospital. He is OK... but there is a big mess all over the house. There is now a lot of stress and crisis in the house W says. She will go there to help clean up after she drops off S12.

I let her talk for a long while to describe everything. I validated and really listened. She cried a little about the situation and about S12 spending the night there tonight. S12 was also a little upset this morning about going all the way to the aunt's home and then back to the game.

On another note... she said she found an apartment and will move in a month. She will take S12 there later today to check it out.

Hmm... she just called again. Apologized for calling. She says now maybe S12 will spend the night with me if the issue at her aunt's isn't resolved. And she asks me to cut S12's hair for their trip to NYC tomorrow. We're talking on the phone like we used to. I'm not irritated... just even and businesslike. I'm doing it.

I am going to Crossfit tomorrow and will look for a dance class or maybe a cooking class. I'm reading information about really increasing my life motivation. I haven't had a drink in a few weeks now.

Happiness growing.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=HPoirot]Thank you Vanilla. Keeping the anger down between the 2 of us should keep the R talks down. Then I'll just not work on my M while I work on myself.

Nice to get free groceries and dinner (from my W who claims money problems). She bought me 2 boxes of my cereal like she always has. She allowed cheese in my burger, though. Might have to punish her for that (joking).


hey, you can't be snarky and negative (or programmed that way)

when she's done a nice gesture. ^^

As they said at my alma mater, "That dog won't hunt"...


Nice thing about today... I'm finding I'm not too afraid of D. Honestly, I'm living it right now. I would like to save my R if possible... but I see I'm already dead. I'm framing the brutality of this sitch as the motivation for me to finally have a life I love.

So I'm thinking of doing the February Essential Experience Workshop.

YES! YES! YES!....


not that I feel strongly about it or anything...