or CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly!
Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching DISCOUNT
SAVE$30 -- 3-SESSIONS for ONLY $360
- valid until September 30

CALL 303-444-7004
or to order online at the Divorce Busting Store
use code SAVE$30

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
This can't be the end! #2525548
01/10/15 05:58 PM
01/10/15 05:58 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
Barry  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
Hello all
I'm new here and am not sure how or where to post my story so this is a bit of a test to see where it comes up. I did post my story yesterday in "We're Separated - Now What" but it hasn't shown up yet (i read about the moderation wait so no problem there...trying to be patient!).
I've read reams of good advice already but just want to try and get in contact with people who are going through the same situation.
Paul


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: Barry] #2525932
01/12/15 03:13 AM
01/12/15 03:13 AM
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
B
BFloat Offline
Member
BFloat  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
The best place is to post in newcomers. There is a lot more traffic here.


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: BFloat] #2526001
01/12/15 11:08 AM
01/12/15 11:08 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
Barry  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
Thanks barely, i guessed it would be.
So my story...
We've been married for 20 years, I'm 40 this year, she'll be 38, and both have been happy for nearly all of that time (both agreed on that point).
We have 4 children between 20 and 13. We've had problems in the last couple of years though which we really haven't worked on. Thereís no abuse, no infidelity by either party (confident that is true), and never really argued much to speak of. Communication is really the issue, and we seem to have just lost the connection and spark. I still feel it, but she doesnít.

Anyway, W gives me the ILYBNILWY talk in March 2014 and said she wasn't sure she wanted to be married to me anymore. As you all know, this hits hard. She asked for some space, which I intended to give her by staying with my parents in the short term. What I actually did was cried, begged, pleaded, hassled, texted her to give us another chance...You name it, I did it! After around 3 weeks, she gave in to my harassment as I see it now and I went home so we could work on R. She obviously felt pressured into it though. We agreed on various ways forward (sadly no MC although I was willing to go, she wasnít). Part of the agreement was that I would begin to socialize with friends more, which I (and we in fact) had as much as given up on in previous years. She has always had a best friend to socialize with and since starting a new job has made more. She has always been a hardworking mum up to around 18 months ago when she started working in a paid job. Obviously this has had a positive effect on her (independence/confidence and the like). So we started to try and work on R, which was hard at first but better and better throughout the summer, great family holiday in August etc. Then it all starts to go backwards.

As I see this happening over Sept, Oct, Nov...I get anxious, worried, depressed, suspicious and moody. This does not help the situation. Although Iíd also agreed to focus on increasing my social circle when we tried to work things out, Iíd actually just tried to focus on us spending more time together (as opposed to very little before March). I realise now that this actually smothered the spark and put it out rather than fanning the flames! I should have done both things. There was an incident in Nov when I checked her phone due to the number of messages in the evenings (I know this is not good and shows trust issues). Nothing out of the ordinary regarding contacts, but I see a message from the best friend which looked like possible OM on the scene. Turns out to be nothing, but it did look bad (she agreed that it did but the damage was done then as Iíd confronted her with it. We did move on, but things were strained ever further. I then began to realise that maybe a lot of these problems are actually my fault because I feel mentally lousy. I was over thinking things and talking myself into there being issues when there were none.
I went to the Dr to discuss depression that I've probably had for over a year, and anxiety stemming from previous experience in March. I not only admitted this to myself, but also to my wife as I knew it was affecting out marriage. Unfortunately, 2 days later and 4 days before Xmas, she says she has no spark left and is leaving me. Obviously devastated again. My D15, goes with her, and 3 sons stay at home with me for Xmas.
She was (and is) adamant on separation (she hasnít said the D word yet but I fear itís just a matter of time). She was going to get a flat with D16 as at first, as I was not willing (or actually able) to move out. My original thought was that if she was leaving me, so why should I move out?, but I also had problems in nowhere to go and couldnít afford to rent. I have however moved to my parents again but on a longer basis (agreed on 3-6 month period with her) so she can stay in the house with the kids. This seems like my best chance of any kind of reconciliation. We're currently having no contact to give her space but she said when I saw her last that right now...it's over. I don't want that but she does. I'm just working on myself right now...for me. Meds from Dr helping with mental state, working on getting physically fitter (not too bad already but more thinking this will help confidence issues),and have made concerted efforts to try and hook up with friends (male only). She won't know about these at the moment as we are at NC stage and although these positive changes are not for her, i amm hoping that she will notice when i see her next. Without trying to pursue, i did text her to see if she wanted to meet over the next couple of weeks...not to talk of current issues but just for some food and company. The problem i have is that i realise all the places where i/we went wrong last time and really want to work on it right now but she is so sure that the right thing to do is to split up.

Any advice would be welcome, I've read a fair bit on here already but really need some support from people going through similar problems.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: BFloat] #2526073
01/12/15 04:10 PM
01/12/15 04:10 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,218
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,218
NY
Originally Posted By: Barry
Hello all
I'm new to this site, which I found the other day and which seems to be packed full of helpful advice and hopeful stories. So my story goes like this...sorry if it's too long!
We've been married for 20 years, both young when that happened - I'm 40 this year, she's 38, and both have been happy for nearly all of that time (both agreed on that point).
We have 4 children between 20 and 13. We've had problems in the last couple of years though which we really haven't worked on. No infidelity by either party (confident that is true). Never really argued much to speak of. Just lost the connection and spark.
Anyway, W gives me the ILYBNILWY talk in March 2014 and she said she wasn't sure she wanted to be married to me any more. As you know, this hits hard. At the time, I really didn't see it coming (more on this later). She asked for some space, which I intended to give her by staying with parents in the short term. What I actually did was went against every DB rule during that time!! I cried, begged, pleaded, hassled, texted..you name it, I did it! After 3 weeks, she gave in to my constant harassment as I see it now and I went home so we could work on R. Hard at first but better and better throughout the summer, great family holiday in August...then it all starts to go backwards.
As I see this happening over Sept, Oct, Nov..I get anxious, worried, depressed, suspicious and moody. This does not help the situation. Semi-major incident in Nov when I check her phone (I know, not good) and see a message from a mutual female friend which looked like possible OM on the scene. Turns out to be nothing (I believe this, but it did look bad!) but damage is done then as I confronted her with it etc. We did move on, but I then begin to realise that maybe most of these problems are actually my fault because I feel mentally lousy. I go to Dr to discuss depression that I've probably had for over a year, and anxiety stemming from previous experience in March.
I not only admitted this to myself, but also to my wife. 2 days later and 4 days before Xmas, she says she has no spark left and is leaving me. Devastated yet again. My daughter 16, goes with her, 3 sons stay at home with me for Xmas. Obviously worst Xmas ever!! She was going to get a flat with D16, but I've moved to parents again but on a longer basis (agreed on 3-6 month period) this time. Currently having no contact to give her space but she is saying that right now...it's over. I don't want that but she does.
Any advice welcome, I've read a fair bit on here already but need some support from people going through similar problems.


Brought over from the other thread


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: Cadet] #2526096
01/12/15 05:17 PM
01/12/15 05:17 PM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
T
theoden Offline
Member
theoden  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
Barry,

Sorry you are here.

1. If your wife isn't cheating, then you will have an easier go at this.

2. That being said, it sounds like she's cheating. The ILYBINILWY speech usually means she is in love with someone else OR she wants to be soon. It means that though you may be a good provider and father, you aren't the LOVER/PARTNER that she wants. And if she doesn't already have a new boyfriend, she's going to get one soon. She's putting her romantic happiness above the well-being of your children. That's what ILYBIMINWY speech REALLY means.

3. DO NOT MOVE OUT YOUR HOUSE. Why should you move if SHE's the one who wants to end the marriage? This also will work against you in custody hearings if you get a divorce. Let her get her own flat. She needs to feel consequences for her actions. Why are YOU paying the consequences for her decision to leave you. If she's leaving you, she needs to be doing the leaving. Let HER leave. Why should you leave?

4. Go see a divorce lawyer immediately. This doesn't mean you are going to file. It's to know your rights, and also to get advice on what not to do (like move out of your own home).

5. Give her space, work on yourself. Get some exercise and some hobbies. She needs to know that you are ready to move on IF SHE LEAVES.

--Theoden



Last edited by theoden; 01/12/15 05:20 PM.



Re: This can't be the end! [Re: theoden] #2526206
01/12/15 09:48 PM
01/12/15 09:48 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
Barry  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
Thanks for taking the time to read my post Theoden. I really do appreciate any and all feedback.

I actually agree with both points 1 and 2.
I'm 99.999% sure that she hasn't cheated (I know that every mug that's ever been cheated on says that but she really isn't that sort of person). Although we've both changed significantly over the years, some core principles remain forever in a person, or so I believe. That being said, I do agree that she HAS fallen out of love with me as a partner/lover, and lost all respect for me as a person.
Although I do think she is really after some time alone at the moment, she's made it fairly clear that as things stand, I wont be the man she wants. That to me says that no matter what positive changes I make, I think she's had it and sooner or later, another man will be in the picture. What shocks me is that she isn't willing to throw everything at the marriage to try and save it. I suppose she thinks that as we've been through a rough patch already, she's already done that. She has said that she's well aware that I've only ever done everything for my family (including her) but this appears to count for nought.
As I said in my original post, we had a family holiday back in August and whilst away, she said that she wished that the last instance in March hadn't happened and that she was just having "a wobble". I've tried to explain to her that my recent insecure/depressed/miserable period was a "wobble" on my part, yet she is not able (or willing) to stand by me the way I did for her.

Regarding me moving out, I didn't have to, it was totally my decision to do that. I had though of the good and bad points on this, but as my main goal is to reconcile, I was more thinking that if she'd already mentally checked out of the marriage, that if she physically moved out and got her own flat / started to make a separate life for herself, that my chances of reconciliation were reduced...they seem very slim in any case in her current state.

It was also more for the kids (my D15 in particular) as she has her exams coming up so I didn't want her to have the upheaval of a move. I've only moved to the next street so access is also easier this way. I have to say that even on the day I left, W was still offering to move out and me stay at home.
As far as custody goes, my 2 eldest sons are adults now (one at University, the other at home), my D15 would go with W in either case (not because we don't get along, we are close although I have noticed a significant change in her relationship with me in the time she has spent with W over Christmas), it would really be my S13, who would probably opt to live with me.
I haven't sought any legal council as yet as it's all still fairly fresh. If things seem to be getting no better in the next couple of weeks, i probably will need to. She is saying at the moment, that if she feels no different in 6 months, she wants to sell the home so we can both rent separately. I'm really hoping that it doesn't come to that as that will certainly seem like the final nail in the coffin being banged in.
I'm currently trying to give her all the space she wants, I have sent a couple of messages in the last week but really only about the kids or finances. She is being the Ice Queen right now anyway. I drove past her this evening whilst taking my daughter to dance, she was jogging with her friend. I beeped the horn, the friend waved, blanked by W. I need to learn to not let that sort of thing bother me!
I've re-joined my old gym, joined a cycling club, and am attempting to catch up with some old friends as well as seeing existing ones. I am trying to take care of mind, body and spirit right now. My W also asked me to do this...FOR ME, not for her, which is what I'm doing but I have to admit that even though I know it's wrong, i am hoping that she will see these positive changes and maybe change her mind.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: Barry] #2526558
01/13/15 05:03 PM
01/13/15 05:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
T
theoden Offline
Member
theoden  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
Barry,

It's very difficult to make changes for you, and not for her. It's hard not to constantly check and see if she "notices". First of all, she can smell your desperation, and they notice you are looking to be noticed.

That being said, do things that are good for you. You will need as much good stuff in your life as possible.

Do not text her except for stuff about the kids, etc.

Read the Last Resort Technique, it would help in your situation:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/how-to-prevent-a-divorce-the-last-resort-technique/

What she sees is someone who begged, pleaded, and then has shown weakness with you insecurity/depression. This leads to lack of respect AND, therefore, to lack of attraction.

I still don't see your wife facing any consequences to her actions. You moved out, hoping it would help lead to a possible reconciliation and for your daughter's exams.

You should have taken your wife's offer to have her move out. What you are doing is making your needs smaller for the sake of your children and, perhaps the marriage. It seems admirable, but it makes you less substantial and formidable. This will lead to more dis-respect on your wife's part. She leaves the marriage, blows up the family, and YOU have to pay. If your daughter suffered in the exams it might send a message to your wife. It's not SUPPOSED to be painless and seamless. You are not a replaceable person in this equation who moves out because your wife isn't "feeling it".

I don't know if you can get her to move out at this point. Get some advice from other posters on this.

My sense is you need to live a great life AND show your wife you are moving on. What are your financial arrangements? Is there some way you can SHOW her, like dividing the bank account that you are moving on?

Right now it feels like you are some banished rogue living in another apartment waiting, patiently, for your wife to change her mind and let you back into the home.

I made the mistake of RE-ACTING to my wife's actions, rather than acting in my own best interest and the best interest of my children.

See a lawyer now, get some peace of mind.

The more you are trying to reel her in or put the brakes on a divorce, the more she will pull away.

--Theoden


Last edited by theoden; 01/13/15 05:03 PM.



Re: This can't be the end! [Re: theoden] #2526882
01/14/15 03:32 PM
01/14/15 03:32 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
Barry  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
Thanks Theoden.

Yes, I agree that it's very difficult to make positive changes just for me when feeling as though the bottom has dropped out of my world BUT it was negativity that got me into this, so positivity seems the only way out of it. I am making attempts to remain upbeat and take care of myself. It doesn't help that I don't have a huge circle of friends. I do have friends, just not many that i'm close enough to. I think that's part of the big problem for her because when we first met (many years ago admittedly) i was a very popular person with lots of friends. She actually did the chasing to date me so she obviously saw that as an attractive trait. I am struggling to find ways to make new friends although I am trying to...and that really IS for me! I'm also trying to get hold of some old ones too.

I read the LRT link (thanks) and am doing my best to adopt this way of thinking and acting. It's going to be difficult because I have to say that (as un-manly as it sounds), I've always worn my heart on my sleeve a bit. This is one trait that definatly needs changing...even if just to protect myself a bit more.

I will say that the more I think about the moving out, I'm not sure if it was totally the right thing to do. I obviously miss being at home with my children as well as my wife but it just felt like the right thing to do for them all. Probably not for me though to be fair. You're right in that she is facing NO consequences at the moment apart from me not being there...which is what she wants. I'm told that she is acting like nothing has happened..I'm beginning to wonder if she may be a little crazy!!
I couldn't use any of my children failing at school as a way to "send a message" to my wife though, that would be totally wrong.

I could easily get her to move out, by turning up there with all my stuff and moving back in...she'd most likely be gone within the hour, but I still have doubts that it's in the marriage's or my children's best interests if not neccasarily either hers or mine as individuals.
I would be interested in other opinions on this.

Financially, we have already split the bank account. We're both paying various things whilst separated.

I'm not actually waiting to be let back home as such. To be fair she forced my hand in accepting a separation but I've already told her that what I personally think we should do during it is to have some time apart to reflect on what's happening and how best to move forward is we BOTH decide to reconcile. If she called me right now and said "come home", as much as I'd want to, I'd have to decline the offer as we need to do it right this time around if we're to stand a chance.

I refuse to believe that she thinks that we're somehow incompatible...surely you don't spend 20 years with someone if that's even remotely the case??


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: Barry] #2526884
01/14/15 03:40 PM
01/14/15 03:40 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 288
J
JCred Offline
Member
JCred  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 288
Hi Barry..
Stop over to my thread... Interesting because I talked about making friends on it...
Great timing huh?

It's called the Man Cave thread..
Come on over and make a new friend. Bring your own drinks.

Last edited by JCred; 01/14/15 03:41 PM.

Justin Credible
Re: This can't be the end! [Re: Barry] #2526900
01/14/15 04:36 PM
01/14/15 04:36 PM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
T
theoden Offline
Member
theoden  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
Barry,

Is it in the best interest of the kids that YOU move out because your wife is not feeling attracted to you? What message does that send them? It's a morally inverted message you are sending. What they SEE is dad moving out.

Why do they think you are moving out? Did you give them "mom and dad are having some issues, we both love you" speech? Then what they see is a family falling apart for NO REASON. Morally reasonable cause and effect has been suspended. The world is now random for them. And guess who is breaking the family apart? YOU. Since YOU are moving out.

On the other hand, did you both tell them that their mom is not in love with you anymore? That's the truth. And if that's the truth, why should they see YOU moving out? What does that tell them about the moral nature of the universe? Mom has a change of heart and dad moves out? It's teaching them that you can hurt others, and break-apart a family without consequence to yourself.

Do you think moving out, because your wife is no longer in love with you, will give her any sense of respect for you or sense that you are a formidable person not to be trifled with? Do you think it will attract her to you? How is it in the best interest of the marriage?

Do you think perhaps, some discomfort and hardship on your wife's part might be the healthy, soul-building, adversity she needs to actually do some real thinking? Don't you think a reality check might help her see more clearly? How is protecting your wife from the consequences of her actions helping her? How is it helping your marriage. She hurts, and you enable. Isn't that unhealthy, co-dependent behavior?

People will abuse others until they face consequences.

How is unseating yourself as husband and paterfamilias good for anyone? Aren't you creating a vacancy for her current or potential boyfriend to fill?

OK...sermon over. ;-)

You said:

Quote:
I refuse to believe that she thinks that we're somehow incompatible...surely you don't spend 20 years with someone if that's even remotely the case??


Believe it. Or she wouldn't be wanting a separation/divorce. Incompatible, exhausting, hard-word, not fun, unromantic, etc. Either she's looking for relief from your horrible behavior OR she thinks she can do better. In most cases, when you get the ILYBINILWYA speeach, it's because they think they can do better.

On a positive note:

It's good to get positive.

It's good to get your game on.

It's good to enjoy life.

Keep that stuff up.

--Theoden


Last edited by theoden; 01/14/15 04:42 PM.



Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004