I think a lot of WAS's say that - it's not about OM/OW - it's about us/me/how unhappy I feel etc.
And it partly is of course, because the A probably wouldn't have happened were it not for some problems within the M. But right now, a lot of this is about OM/OW and until they are out of the picture, it is hard to focus on the M.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Talked to W, says she ended things with OM. I went with DB coach and IC advice on not asking to see NC letter. Taking leap of faith here.( I know, I know...) but there never is real proof anyway right? went to MC, my W big issue with me is my controlling ways. Says she's been dragged down by them for past 20 years,she kept feelings all inside. I don't see it but I realize that most men don't when that's the case. I was told just the fact that I wanted to feel her remorse and humility before addressing our marriage issues was controlling in of itself, by C. HUH? Does that sound right? I just want to know she is committing to M. I don't think she is yet. And I feel we're in MC too soon. Im agreeing to work on controlling issues and at the same time I'm hoping it will draw out the remorse/ humility I know she holds inside. I know I can't control her and I'm not going to demand it from her. But again I dont know if I can forgive without seeing those things. Taking it slow.
Hi N Guy. I agree with you about the remorse - absolutely. And I think that needs to come from a deep level. There needs to be a real appreciation of the great hurt and trauma caused.
Humility? I'm not so sure about that....
But there does need to be a strong desire to rebuild things - along the lines of "I'll do whatever it takes for this to work..."
I also think that ending the A and recommitting to the M are two different things. They may happen at the same time or they may not....
I would be careful about the control issue. To me, this is about being clear what things need to be in place for you before you feel able to invest the time and commitment that piecing takes.
For example - instead of saying "I wanted to feel her remorse" you are saying "in order for me to do X, I would need to see Y." I wonder if you are pushing a little too much here and wonder if perhaps you may want to step back until your W voluntarily offers the things you are currently trying to draw out of her.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
If the people advising you are saying that a demonstrable NC letter and full transparency are NOT worth insisting on, and if they're saying tgat your need to see remorse is "controlling," then I would strongly question the quality of the advice you're getting, as this is pretty mainstream, standard stuff.
Do these people have experience in dealing with infidelity???
If the people advising you are saying that a demonstrable NC letter and full transparency are NOT worth insisting on, and if they're saying tgat your need to see remorse is "controlling," then I would strongly question the quality of the advice you're getting, as this is pretty mainstream, standard stuff.
Do these people have experience in dealing with infidelity???
Starsky
Completely agree. I've just just been shaking my head here confused.
As far as you being controlling, supposedly, that characteristic should come in handy for your wife when she finally decides to allow you to hold her accountable for her behavior going forward.
Your wife has a weakness. She enjoys the attentions of other men. She makes herself available to allow her needs to be met by other men and she allows other men to cross boundaries with her. She really shouldn't be trusting herself around other men and should, in the future, be counting on you to hold her accountable for her actions.
We all need persons to hold us accountable in life. This isn't suggesting a punishment or a prison. She's not your ward and you are not the prison guard, rather, she finally decides to put your marriage on a pedestal and TOGETHER you protect it by being watchful and controlling of EACH OTHER.
It's been a decade for me. My wife and I share a Facebook account. We don't lead independent lives, instead we lead dynamic interdependent lives. We each have full access to each other friends, technologies (passwords) and lives.
Is this the same OM from 2 years ago???
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
You're right I do agree with all of that. I don't think my wife is at that point yet. In fact I know she isn't. In our last MC session she just confessed that she has no Physical attraction what so ever to me. Kinda brought me down yet another notch, I really think that was her core issue with me, I think she used the controlling thing as her excuse. I feel it's not my physical looks because she obviously was attracted at one time. I haven't changed much. In good shape and all. I guess it's my whole personality that is making her feel this way. She was always a self concious person. I used to have to tell her she was beautiful inside AND out. Now she's grown into a more confident woman and striving for attention and getting it. I always thought I gave her a lot of it. Think she trying to make up for the lack of it from the past I guess. MLC. Feeling like its still out of my hands , gotta continue GAL.
You're right I do agree with all of that. I don't think my wife is at that point yet. In fact I know she isn't. In our last MC session she just confessed that she has no Physical attraction what so ever to me. Kinda brought me down yet another notch, I really think that was her core issue with me, I think she used the controlling thing as her excuse. I feel it's not my physical looks because she obviously was attracted at one time. I haven't changed much. In good shape and all. I guess it's my whole personality that is making her feel this way. She was always a self concious person. I used to have to tell her she was beautiful inside AND out. Now she's grown into a more confident woman and striving for attention and getting it. I always thought I gave her a lot of it. Think she trying to make up for the lack of it from the past I guess. MLC. Feeling like its still out of my hands , gotta continue GAL.
No different OM.
NGuy
Maybe she has no physical attraction because of the cheating... When they cheat you their rationalization hamster will make all kind of things make sense. There might be nothing wrong with you other than she is looking outside at the world.
