Does anyone have what they believe to be a depressed spouse? I mean depressed but they're not aware or think they are?
I can't change him. I can't make him get back on ADs. I know I can't. And his record of introspection doesn't bode well for that happening in the future.
It feels like a tragedy though. That H is so negative and angry. They're HIS feelings and belittling them isn't my goal at all, but will he ever realize that the pervasive negativity and anger isn't only because of me? That he is depressed and has been for years? He took himself off ADs about 6 weeks before BD.
It's hard not to shake my fist in the air at all that.
I guess it doesn't really change much. He is who he is and he'll continue on his non-path of blame and anger and destruction.
Yes I believe that STBX is suffering from depression. When I first joined the boards, one of my guiding lights was the thought that STBX was sick, and our vows included sticking together through sickness and in health. Of course, I have wavered on that somewhat, because obviously not all depressed people make these kinds of decisions, so I still feel there is a fair amount of individual choice at play.
In fairness, my STBX has never seen a counselor and has never been diagnosed (to my knowledge), so I'm just indulging in some armchair psychology here. Soon after BD, when I was scouring the internet I read several articles that explained how depressed people behave when in affairs and they described STBX to a tee. He does have quite a number of risk factors including sleep issues and dealing with some pretty disturbing subject matter at work.
I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about any of this. At least not now. I do have some curiosity about what will happen when he realizes I am not the source of all his woes. Or who knows? He may just blame me for everything for the rest of his life.
Up until two weeks ago, my H was adamant that he was "absolutely fine" and was not depressed, no mental illnesses, anything. Everything I read, everything my IC mentioned, all pointed to depression, but he was in such denial. I thought, well, perhaps it's not depression but bipolar, or borderline personality.
And then, I don't know what happened, but he finally admitted that he was "severely" depressed. His words.It's like the fog has been lifted. It's almost as if being honest with himself gave him insight. Or maybe therapy is working. Or the AD's. Or all of the above. I dunno. He's gotten much, much better with interactions and has admitted, several times, that he has realized that I'm not the source of all of his problems. I don't think he has the answer to what the source i, yet. But, for the last month or so....it's not me. Who knows if he'll stay in that mindset.
Interestingly enough, my H's brother bomb dropped my SIL the monday before Christmas. He's depressed as well. Not to the extent that my H is, but still depressed. Right now BIL is refusing treatment of any kind, and that will most likely be the line in the sand for SIL. It's interesting to see how depression can wreak havoc on relationships, and within families. SIL and I are both intrigued, for a lack of better words at the behaviors both brothers are exhibiting.
You're right. Nothing you can do to change it. And if that's the case, it absolutely blows.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I think you have developed a better and better attitude for taking what's yours and improving on them (your reactions, behaviors, communication skills, etc) without taking what is HIS (specifically him blaming you for all of his misery). You know it's not true, but he believes it is true...for now. I don't think you can project his trend of the last X years of blaming you for everything and extrapolate that to mean he will always be like that, forever and ever. I think if he does turn his mentality around, it would be more like a light switch than a slow changing of the tide. Of course he would have years of personal work ahead of him after he admitted that it's within himself, but his focus could change quickly. I'm not saying that you should sit around and wait for that to happen. I guess I just don't want his current trend to make you think it will always be like that, this nagging ghost for the rest of your life that you always have to be accused by.
How was yoga? My sister is loving LA. Said she'd like to meet you, but I told her you're anonymous lol. I found out today that I might take an annual work trip to CA, to a customer just north of SF. I just moved to a new department, so I'm learning new things about the role everyday. Can't wait for my pacific coast road trip this summer, and now I have that business trip to Petaluma to look forward to. My cousin is in Napa, nearby, and I really can't wait to visit him. He is a wine liaison, or something, and he's trying to start a pizza restaurant. He has a clay pizza oven in his backyard!
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
My STBX had medicated with pot for a couple of years, began drinking to black out right after bomb drop, had several flings, and attempted suicide a few months ago. She finally saw an IC to try to show everyone she was fine and had all the help she needed. IC told her she was depressed and probably had Borderline Personality disorder.
STBX told me this was all situational because of living with me.
Funny, I don't think about it much anymore. I still think of her daily, and feel some loss that we couldn't make our M work. I still have this feeling that it's absurd, kind of like if I went on a vacation with a bunch of friends but then got into a fight about which radio station we'd listen to so we turned around and called it off. You could say that's minimizing, but we wouldn't be here if we didn't feel that M wasn't a real commitment that took work. Besides, I'm not minimizing intentionally, those are just my feelings which I'm entitled to feel.
But I guess while I still think of it often, it doesn't hold my interest anymore. When I think about it I just go around in circles. It makes me feel rather jaded.
So instead I just laugh it off and focus on me being the person I want to be. I haven't burned any bridges between us, nor in my head, I'm still going to IC and reflecting on how I can grow, but I'm ABSOLUTELY DISINTERESTED in focusing on the dynamic between her and I. I know it's not good DB to not monitor 'what's working and what's not working', but sometimes detaching is more important for me than trying to influence a relationship that was ended by someone else. In a way I feel like "trying to do what works" wasn't working so I'll just be a guy I'm happy with and not look back.
I do wish detachment for you and for you to have a great 2015.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Card, my bestie lives north of SF and really likes it. It's beautiful up there!! Thanks for your accolades. It's nice to hear others perspectives on how I'm doing.
Maybell, thanks for your encouragement, as always.
Zeus, I'm sorry your W was self-medicating and in denial about her possible depression. It all being "situational because of living with you" sounds veeerrryyy familiar. Oy.
I'm not sure why but I'm getting that icky feeling again. Last time I felt this feeling it was because I was trying to take responsibility for H's feelings. Im not doing that right now so I'm trying to just sit with it and figure it out. I really don't like it. Ugh!
I think maybe I'm feeling unproductive today. I've not been sleeping well and I had the day off so I took a nap after reading for an hour. Sounds pleasant, huh? Well, I think I'm beating myself up for it now. What kind of friend to myself am I?
Trust in you, S. Believe in you. You will be happy again if you choose to be. Finding joy in your life is a choice. It doesnt hinge on him. It really doesnt. Because the thing is that in order to love you have to love you. In order to feel joy, you have to look within.
If you put all of that on him, it is a terrible burden. If you do that, you do yourself a disservice. You wont ever be fufilled if your happiness is contingent on someone else. You just wont.
Someone should enhance our life, not determine it.
Find you, S. Find your worth. Find what makes you laugh. Who do you want to be? Be that person every day. Some days you make it, some you dont, but that should always be the goal.
You will get through this and come out the other side if you do the work. I promise you that. It is going to be hard, I am not going to lie. But man, the rewards are amazing.
Leave him to himself, S. Let him figure himself out. You work on you.
COme on now, you can do this.
Ss,
UR is one of the people who pulled me through the past year and a half or so. She is so wise...and knows that she is talking about. I used to read her words. Copy and Paste them to read again and again....but I wasn't on the other side yet...and didn't know if I'd ever get there.
Today, I can tell you from the other side (mostly...LOL) that you will get here, too. And it is AMAZING over here.
It is so, so, so important that you find happiness within YOURSELF and not your H. It's hard to get there. But, when you finally do, nobody can take that peace and happiness from you....you are so worth it.
I read your "fears" above and yeah, I had many of those, too. Guess what? I don't anymore. When you really start to see that you are going to be okay, no matter what, that there is a beautiful, wonderful life waiting for you, married to H or not.....that's when it starts getting so good.
much easier to understand