Jim0987 #9 - Blackholes, cats and overanalysis

[jim0987]

So the last thread is over 100 posts so time for a new one. the last one covered an eventful christmas a new year and is here

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2519764#Post2519764

So i'm 4 months and 9 threads in, not where i wanted to be but when i first got here everyone said its a long haul and requires patience and compared to some of you good people i'm just getting started.

so if you havent followed, are new, or simply lost track heres what you need to know about our current situation

Me
- I'm not even vaguely detached and am heartbroken from this everytime i see my wife (everyday due to in house seperation).
- I have no doubt of my wish to reconcile
- I'm doing my best and I think a pretty good job of showing my wife a happy, just get on with things side and i have no idea how she is percieving this, though if anything i would say she is more distant now than at any time since BD. She has certainly noticed my attitude change on a bunch of domestic mundanary
- I know a lot of what i did wrong and i know what i need to learn for the future and i feel like i'm doing a pretty good job of it (IC is really helping). I just need to make it feel a little more natural and the big things (being emotionally available at times of crisis) havent been tested yet, likewise its difficuly to show my more affectionate fun side when not in a relationship
- Still doing a lot of analysis and rumination but practicing mindfulness to get this in check. I'm also aware that the rumination is harmful and i can control it which is a big step in itself.
- I swing between feeling guilty about how awful I now realise I was and thinking why would she ever coming back, to reading some of the other situations on here and thinking that compared to some of the WAH husbands that some truly great women are standing for on these boards, i dont think i was that bad.
- GAL activities have taken a dent due to a self inflicted busted foot but still doing what i can.

My wife
- Very keen to move out as soon as possible
- Seems increasingly uncomfortable in my presence and seems to be annoyed when I play with the kids or am friendly with her mum.
- is in a relationship with OM1, which was on and off for a couple of months as she pursued and he enjoy the benefits but didnt want more. during the lowest part of this my wife warmed to me slightly but since he has decided he does want a relationship the ice shutters slammed back down on me. (she lies about there being OM)
- she lives in her phone and continues to message her poisonous friend 50+ times a day
- She has started doing a lot of the things she always said she wanted to do but didnt and blames me for not doing these things before (I never stopped her but she feels I did)
- Although she has non-specifically said she is partly responsible for the breakdown of our marriage it appears that she blames me for over 90% of it (if not 100%). She doesnt appear to take responsibility and prefers to protray me as a controlling and emotionally abusive bully who always let her down when she needed me.
- She has not given any indication of any doubts or second thoughts and has openly said that she 'hasnt shed a single tear' and 'cant be divorced from me soon enough'

Whats next in our relationship
- Outside of limited interactions at home we have been effectively no contact except about logistics since end of sept 2014. Wife definitely seems to prefer this.
- Wife wants to be moved out by 20th January at the very latest
- Siginificant disagreement over the financial settlement (W tried to change the deal on 22nd December)
- A debate over the childcare arrangements will be needed in teh next couple of weeks
- Divorce proceedings are likely to follow shortly after she moves out. My intent is to take no action and then respond when she issues the petition stating her behaviour was unreasonable in her pursuit of a relationship with OM1

Whats in store for 2015
- I will continue my self improvement and IC. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff but actually im doing better about a lot of things
- A big goal for the early part is to get my focus back as quickly as i can as this situation has been too much of a distraction to my work, my conversations and my time with my kids for too long.
- I've improved my relationship with friends and relatives
- I've got some exciting projects coming up at work and my general work stress should go down
- I'm waiting on the NHS referral with regard to the possibility that I have some sort of ADD or Aspergers. This will likely affect how I need to approach some things do but actually i'm starting to realise that the things i need to do are the things i need to regardless of the outcome of this assessment.


What does this all mean for my situation well I feel quite positive about me but not very positive about the prospects for my relationship. DB talks about keeping the road home paved and smooth but actually between my wifes actions, what she has said about me, and my reactions to all of this (particularly first few weeks) we've done a pretty good job of cluster bombing that road. Either way that road wont get a look in while OM1 is all new and shiny.

So for all of us 2015 is a big year, I hope by 2016 that i will be able to be on these boards offering advice as someone who successfully reconciled their marriage (or at least is piecing it back together) or in the absence of that then i will be a in a relaxed, positive and detached place where I no longer miss my wife.

As always thanks for the help, advice and the support.

I wish you all well for the new year and hope that you acheive all of the goals you have for you and your families.

[Dawn70]

Keep up that PMA for yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Sounds like you are working toward a great 2015 and 2016. I was hoping to be one of those offering advice on reconciling, but right now, that is not even a blip on the radar in my situation, so I am detached and moving on. I so wish you all the luck in the world.

[rd500]

Hope 2015 goes how yow wish Jim. Good to see you know what you want re M. There is always hope but try your best not to live for it

Take care. Rd

[jim0987]

So the ups and downs of in house seperation continue

MIL went home this morning - again i was friendly and warm towards her if a little more aloof than usual.

I had the kids all day which is always good. we went out for a walk (as far as my foot would allow) and fed lots of ducks - left before MIL so that W and MIL could have a private goodbye. we had a good lunch and played round the house all afternoon.

W has started a new diet and joined a gym - this will be good for her happiness in general, though i had a brief sad reaction to this because again it reminded me that she is finally doing the stuff she needs to do to make herself happy but it will add to her narrative that it was me making her sad.

She was out all afternoon (no idea where) but came back tired.

we then had a friendly couple of hours with the kids. and she opened up a bit about being glad her mum had gone because she was annoying my W. apprarently she is 'just so negative about everything'. I validated and spoke positively about her mum

Generally i was happy and upbeat. Wife went straight to her room as soon as the kids were in bed which is normal stuff.

To me it seemed like a good interaction and as much as though I have read a bunch into it (good and bad) i'm trying to dismiss all that and just let it be.

and i'm feeling pretty relaxed about that right now.

Just to update on another thing that was discussed at length. I've today sent my solicitor an email setting our my position on pretty much everything and then next we will work out the legalities of all that.

[edz]

Hi Jim

First happy 2015 and I too hope we find the outcomes that are best for our happiness in the year or at least as soon as it can be..

You know the time of it I've had with getting to where I am right now so take this for what it's worth but be careful with the mind reading, I can see the work you're doing on that and I know it (and detachment in general) is a horribly difficult task but ...

she is finally doing the stuff she needs to do to make herself happy but it will add to her narrative that it was me making her sad.

You really dont know that, it may well do so but theres nothing you can do in any case and its not going to do anything for your detatchment, lifting your soul or your pma. Also and again from experience, the past is done 2014,2013 etc its done, finished nothing you or i can do to change one event so dont focus your energy there, focus it now. If you needed to apologise and then move on, dont live there. I apologised to both w and s early on and then carried on with my 180 actions which are begining to be engrained, I'm sure you'll get there too.

And with that I put away my small, padded, fluffy 2x4 just out to be helpful there

I know I sound like a broken record but when you get your own space it will help, honestly, from someone who was ready to curl in a ball and wish the world away most days,most, are so much better. I miss w, still love her, still wish she and s would choose to reconcile but don't make every day about wishing that I hope that's detachment in motion or at least my version of it. You'll get there, don't fear it or fight it, it doesn't mean giving up but I'm not sure anyone can move on, reconcile or not, without getting rid of that dispair first.

Wow that went deep quickly

Take it easy matey, hope the foot feels better.

[jim0987]

Thanks Edz (sir, you are a gent)

I think its a tone thing maybe.

I did go there no question and not good for showing detachment BUT (and its a big but) it was brief and lasted a few minutes or so and I knew that all it really means us that she's joined a gym and started a diet. Everything else is just mindfluff on my part.

No question I need to detach more but I'm doing a bit better. I really think having a good interaction with MIL has done me a lot of good - lifted a bunch of angst.

[edz]

Thanks mate you too.

I can see it in your posts that you're at the beginning of it, as I said to you and v I really admire anyone doing in house sep, bad enough when I did it at "our" flat by myself!

You're exactly right above, it means its new year, I've joined 4 gyms or so in January and gone on diets that died by February or until I killed the membership. Maybe means more maybe not, "detune" your antenna on it is my best advice.

Sooner or later something, maybe tangential to r, will pop up and your mind set will alter. What happened to me ironocally when mil spewed a poisoned pen letter - well cleaning invoice re the flat - started playback on my old behaviour got angry, then stopped stepped away, playback started again and I emailed w asking was this how I really deserved to be treated.....then...... Stopped. No idea why. Backpedaled and the email became this was not w's problem (she had been copied in on it) I calmly emailed mil saying when I've been paid and have the money I'll settle the invoice and dropped it. I know mil will crow to w that she "solved" the problem. I simply don't care anymore, that's now w's problem to handle her NARC/sociopath mother not mine. Same night I got my ring off which took some doing after 13 years. I quietly put it in the kitchen drawer where it is now. If w and I reconcile she can put it back on me if not it will stay with me but not on me.

Since then....different days.

I haven't given up, I miss w, I miss being a partnership but w backed out on that a while back and I can't operate by "hoping" she changes her mind every day. If she does and will work on it with me fantastic and the greatest day since s was born if not I'll continue day by day building this new life, mk 3 me

Hang on in there mate!

[Zelda09]

Jim, I feel your pain. Living in the same house with my H who didn't want anything to do with me was the worst. I kept reading all this advice about keep them there, you can show off the 180s...but I felt like such a doormat tolerating the whole thing when he wasn't interested in our marriage. I cried too much. And he kept trying to act like everything was normal and I was already his ex...constant torture.

I hope you find the same peace I did when and if she leaves. The air in my house seemed to return and he actually seemed glad to see me a few times after that, not living in the same emotional tug and pull environment. In fact he came home a few times to stay and kept prolonging the dates. (And then pulled away again). So it goes.

Hang in there!

[jim0987]

Morning all. The advice at the end if this update is to detach, I know that....

But as it is I'm sat in a car park having finished all of my errands but not able to go home because its the wife's turn with the kids and there is an expectation I make myself scarce. Normally that would be GAL but to be honest Christmas and injury has tapped out a lot of my usual options and I forgot to pickup a book.

This blows...

Its a cold and rainy day here and what I want is to be home with my family having a nice day with them all.

Life got hard and we lost our sense of fun, that's what's really been missing from my marriage warmth and fun. Now, and only because of her leaving, I know why we lost it but damned if I know how to get it back.

Oh well.

Onward as HP says.

[edz]

Ouch. Been there not because w was at home but because it was full of ghosts. I've become an expert at wasting time!

Last point first... I know exactly what you are saying that's where my r got to. I couldn't have been more distanced from w in retrospect if I was on Mars. BUT!!!! I remind you of my comments yesterday neither you or I can change it. We can only change now and tomorrow, we'd all love to have t the rewind button if we can keep the knowledge we now have but I imagine the queue would be pretty long for that!

I won't beat you with the detatchment message again but you know it's where you need to go for *you*.

Even now with my nice home I set up a morning of tasks as s had to go back to w this morning. Oddly ended up going in and setting up the Wii for him more of that on my thread later.

So back to you. Go grab a movie or a go grab a nice lunch or drive up to west quay and mooch around. Go buy a book sit in waterstones with ancoffee in the warm. Go up to b&q etc and look at some decoration ideas get some swatches, wall art and paint pots etc good for you to get a new environment.

I do query why you have to go out though if w wants some time alone can't she go out with them and go to the movies etc? Genuine question