I'm sure Labug will be back soon with some words of wisdom. I just wanted to let you know that I totally get where you are coming from in your wish to know what was really going on during those years.
I feel that too. No one likes to feel like a big chunk of their life was a mystery story. I've actually fantasized that someday, maybe when we're grandparents, STBX will actually spill about everything.
I tried asking once, but of course I don't believe the answers. I don't think he's capable of honesty about things that make him feel bad about himself right now. And frankly, he's always had a rotten memory, which is convenient for him at the moment, and of course his definition of "affair" is probably different from mine. I want to know when the first one started, before or after the kids and I left Iowa. He says after, but I'm pretty sure there was at least an EA going on, because I well remember the sudden and striking change in tone and behavior towards me. It matters to me because he was the one that came up with the plan for the girls and I to leave first while he remained behind. If he did that intentionally so that he could carry on his affair with ease, it would really alter my whole view of who he is, because it would have been such a deliberate, planned, thoughtful act of betrayal.
I don't mean to be a downer - but I don't think you or I will ever get the level of honesty we are looking for. Mostly because, I doubt they are even honest with themselves. It's a burden, and we can either toss it off or let it weigh us down.
If you can't believe what you are told, and you have no way of digging to find the proof, it seems like you are wasting your time. I get the need to know. I was lucky I could dig and get the facts.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Part of me feels guilty at promoting my needs and desires above the commitment I made when we got married. That I want to quit standing because I do not believe he ever wanted to make me happy. (and I don't mean he needed to make me happy, but that he didn't want to participate in my happiness. He just wanted me to shut up and be happy). I feel guilty about this. Not that I have any choice about whether the marriage is healed.
I feel like I'm supposed to want the marriage healed if I'm here. I DO want the marriage healed. But I don't believe it can be because H doesn't see anything wrong with his choices.
I feel like he thinks I'm trash that he threw on the side of the road, and that HE'S worthy of passion and excitement and adventure but that I'm too dreary and boring and anxious to be worth it or to want it. That hurts a lot, that he would not see me or want to see me. After years of me saying "Let's go X" and him answering "But I don't know where to park the car if we do that."
I want to email him and say "Do you just want to have dinner so you can tell me again how little you want me? Do I have to sit through a whole meal to hear this?"
And I want it to be OK that I look back on my life and see that all my efforts didn't matter. That there were indeed times when I was a little controlling, but there were MANY more times when I said yes to everything he said, or tried to forestall him being anxious or annoyed, and that I was always worried about him being unhappy. I don't want to be accused of reinventing the past.
When I learned about the affair I asked him what was so wrong in our marriage that he had to do that to me and he said: You weren't friendly to my sister (which was true the first five years I knew her, but I've been closer to her than he has in the last ten); I didn't like the way you got your hair cut when S8 was a baby; I don't believe in God and you do.
When he wrote the four page letter telling me he wanted to separate, he said that OW had taught him that he could feel passion again and he just didn't feel that for me. Of course not. How can you compare an affair with a 26 yo pole dancer to a sixteen year marriage that you've deliberately withdrawn from for reasons I don't understand at all?
Is it wrong for me to give up on my marriage under these circumstances? Don't I deserve to free myself for someone who actually WANTS to know me and care about me, rather than someone who doesn't care and doesn't want to be around me? Somebody who has the integrity to stand by me and actually speak up for the relationship when things aren't going well?
And do I really have to go to dinner with him and listen to the awful things he'll say to me AGAIN?
Last edited by Maybell; 01/06/1507:19 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
You are worthy. You're articulate, committed, loyal, sensitive, hard working, resourceful, strong and more, just by what I can read on these boards. You're as good as the next person and probably a little better. Get that in your head and go to lunch with him.
PS: Passion for a 26 yo pole dancer?? Your H is a joke. You're 10 feet taller than him.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Maybell, I wish I could extend the same support to you that you do to me. Your ability to express in words what you're feeling and hoping is unmatched.
I have no idea if you should sit though a meal on the errant possibility that he'll say something different this time. I certainly wouldn't want to. Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is the very definition of insanity. I could say, "what have you got to lose?" but this isn't about winning. Yes, it's an opportunity to validate and show compassion but IMO you have far exceeded your quota in that department.
Maybe I missed it but have you asked him the reasoning behind the get together?
I'm with you, he sounds like a real winner(sarc) & u deserve better. Do keep in mind though that anyone can change. Whether it's good or bad is ultimately up to them.
It's kinda simple really, if a meeting won't put you in a good place don't go. Do what is best for YOU! That's not selfish as he has indicated through words AND actions that y'all are not a team. Ergo you don't have to take one for the team.
Prayin for you!
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Maybell, it's been a while since I've posted much around here, but I read your thread (and others) every day. My two cents..
You don't seem to put forward any reason to stand other than you feel you ought to.. and that's not reason enough. I truly feel that you need to do something here that empowers you. It might not be to file, but the only way you are going to stop taking his chit is to stop taking it. I *think* you once said you'd never file and that if he wanted it, he'd have to do it.. but I think it's time to take the bull by the reigns, so to speak.
I feel like I'm supposed to want the marriage healed if I'm here. I DO want the marriage healed. But I don't believe it can be because H doesn't see anything wrong with his choices.
Maybell, you do not have to want to heal your R or feel like you can ever take H back to be here. DBing is not for the spouse or significant other, as far as I'm concerned. Its for the DBer, for US, to heal OURSELVES and our lives.
If our DBing ever makes our spouses come back, great. If it doesn't, okay, too. If it does but we find we can't reconcile how we've been hurt enough to go there, again, fine.
You're a welcome part of this community and a valid member of the family of support that's been built here.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
