Everyone is correct that my situation is half baked. I clearly am being a fool and trying to make something work when my W is not fully committed. She seems to want this to work but more for the kids than for us. Her heart is someplace else. If it were not, she would not be so hesitant to be transparent.
Time for me to get back to GALing and detaching. I need to move on. I cannot continue to hurt the way that I do.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Time for me to get back to GALing and detaching. I need to move on. I cannot continue to hurt the way that I do.
What does that mean? How does it look different that what you've been doing.
At this stage, it may not be terribly effective.
Since you are in counseling, it's time to address the issues you have not been able to in your DB-ing activity. You talk about cutting the "middle-road" in counseling where you are "validating" and listening. Sounds like walking on egg-shells to me.
Is the counseling chipping away at the elephant in the room?
Have you spoken to your counselor ALONE, in a private session? Have you told your counselor, in PRIVATE, that you know, 100% for sure, that your wife had an affair and that your wife is still denying it? her your wife is denying it. Ask her how to bring this up in counseling. Ask her advice on this.
Also, by the way, your wife doesn't believe she'll ever lose you. There have been no consequences to her actions up till now. She's lied to your face about having an affair and you still pursue her. Exactly what makes you, Shodan, a scarce commodity that she's afraid of losing?
I only say this to you because I did the EXACT same things you are doing, and I'm now divorced.
My W has admitted to the A. Sorry if that was lost in the many threads. She said she was sorry, apologized for hurting me and said that she is not seeing him anymore. She wants to commit to making our M work.
But she is not offering full transparency. That is the bigger issue. She says she wants our M to work but feels so much pressure from me. I told her that I will do whatever it takes to make our M work but she is not willing to do the same. She feels like she will be a prisoner in our R.
And in terms of GALing, I have been doing some nights out on occasion and still am doing cross fit three times per week. But my efforts have been focused on our M/R for the past several weeks. So I am not detached as a result.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
UpperCut Me: 28 W: 25 Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home) S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15) No kids
But she is not offering full transparency. That is the bigger issue. She says she wants our M to work but feels so much pressure from me.
Ironic, that the only reason you didn't press for this immediately was so as not to pressure her. Yet now she feels "pressure," blames you for that anyway, and you still don't have transparency.
Appeasement doesn't work. Sadly, you usually have to fully vanquish an opponent at war before they are ready to negotiate the terms of the peace.
I fail to see how wanting full transparency from your W is pressuring her? If anything, her agreeing would relieve all pressure I would think. It would put your mind at ease and allow you to start to move forward. She is however entitled to her feelings if that is the real reason for her not giving it.
Its a tough spot and only you can decide what you need to heal. I'm creeping up on almost a year of good times with my W and I'll be damned if I still don't have thoughts pop into my mind from time to time. I have access to everything whenever I want.
I get the feeling that until you get this you're only hurting the cause. Its hard to be the new Sho when you have that doubt in your mind. At this stage of the game you should be reconnecting with your W, not having to stay detached.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
I get the feeling that until you get this you're only hurting the cause. Its hard to be the new Sho when you have that doubt in your mind. At this stage of the game you should be reconnecting with your W, not having to stay detached.
I feel you're still "working" to re-attract your W instead of working to be the best YOU that you can be ... which could, in turn, possibly (probably) re-attract your W.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
My apologies for the lack of response. We were away for the holidays and traveled for work for the first week of January.
I agree with all of you. I feel this emptiness and pain from time to time b/c I don't trust her fully. Ironically, she is being more transparent with me and I am confident that the A is done. If it were ongoing, she would be in NYC a lot more than she is. Her actions and words show a different W than from this past summer. We ML probably once per week although I tend to be the instigator.
We have talked about the trust issue and her feedback continues to be that she feels like a prisoner. She said that she cannot live that way and cannot live under my thumb. Therefore she still has not provided her phone code to me.
Are we having fun? Yes, 70-80% of the time but it is pretty clear that I am more into the R than she is.
in a way, as it has been stated by others, this R is half baked. It needs to go back into the oven. She needs to miss me more and believe that she is losing me. She does not feel that.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
