Hi Everyone, I've not posted in over a week so I thought I would share an update. It's been over four months since she has moved out filed for divorce.
We have been getting along relatively well lately. Letting go (detaching) has helped me tremendously be able to accept this strange new normal. I've not argued back with her at all, just letting it be. When she brings up the past, I tell her things like "I understand" and "I'd rather be part of the solution than the problem going forward". We still have many children to raise together - and we are doing a pretty darn good job all things considered.
We have recently had two of our kids birthday parties since the separation. The first party we did at her house. I covered the gift and we had our close family there. Everyone seemed ok. We had the second party at my house with the same crew. It was the first time my W was back at home other than to pick up things she wanted. We had a good time. MIL's got along and all the kids had fun. I took care of everything for this party. She wants to go with me for lunch to discuss our Christmas plans. It's not a date, but it made me think about one of my goals as getting a date with her.
When I have the kids over we do fun things like watching movies outside on the projector. We also planted some trees and did some needed yard work before the cold blast. I went out of town for Thanksgiving. My S14 that still lives with me wanted to see his birth family. This was a huge deal for him, and he earned the privilege with relatively good behavior. So we went, and had a good adventure.
I have spent a couple afternoons with my wife last week fixing her phone. She broke her screen, and it took a couple trys to get it fixed. I brought over dinner for everyone and we had some nice conversations at the table. It feels like she's more my sister. Seems weird, but that's the best I can come up with for now. She just broke her phone again, so I guess we get to spend more time together. :-)
At this point, the thought of moving on does not bother me as bad when I started. I don't see her wanting to give it another shot. I'm still open to the idea of reconciliation and I pray that God work a miracle, but it seems unlikely she will budge. I'm not giving up, I'm just not as emotionally tied to it as I was before. Our D won't be final until after Christmas most likely, so we still have time.
I so much appreciate everyone's support on this board so far. I know I still have a lot of work to do and I'm amazed by the insights that I have realized here. Thank you. I have signed up for a surviving the holidays seminar for divorced persons. I'm considering a 13 week divorce care series as well.
Forgiveness is such a powerful tool in this as is dealing with the brokenness. We can be put back together, even more beautiful than before, but it does take time and healing.
P.S. - To Hope, I did check out Bob's threads. It seemed he blamed his wife for most of what was going/went wrong. He should not have filed for D. Withholding intimacy (and other hurtful things) was not helpful either. Comparing my W to Bobs, I will say my W seems to be more reasonable than Bobs. At least my wife gave us an honest shot before she went the D route with several counselors along the way.
Me:40 W:39 M:Dec 95 Split: Jul 14 W Filed: 9/16/14 Several Children (including adopted)
My W had her 40th birthday recently. It's very awkward not to be in the middle of the celebration with her. I was first in the 40 club earlier this year. So anyway, I sent my son that still lives with me to take her out to her fav places. I paid for the date, and I figured they could use the time to reconnect not to mention he could practice being a gentlemen, especially to his mother. It went very well and really warmed her heart. I even earned a public thank you on FB.
Me:40 W:39 M:Dec 95 Split: Jul 14 W Filed: 9/16/14 Several Children (including adopted)
It's been several months since I have posted so here is an update in case anyone following me was curious. We went through the divorce. I don't think there was any way to stop it. We have been living separately for about a year now. Finances were split and everything turned out ok for both of us. Most of the hurt feelings have subsided on both our sides and we work together pretty well to co-parent our children. We help each other with emergencies also. Our relationship is actually pretty healthy this way and I'm so thankful we have at least reconciled as friends. That would have been another level of devastation to not only loose her as a wife, but as a friend also. Kids are doing good for the most part. I'm able to pick up some things that I let go along the way that are very exciting to me, including getting back in to the military. For anyone going through a divorce, please check out divorce care dot org and find a local group in your area. It's an amazing source of support and healing that will help you through the pain and help to find your hope on the other side. :-)
Me:40 W:39 M:Dec 95 Split: Jul 14 W Filed: 9/16/14 Several Children (including adopted)
Thank you for posting an update. It seems to me that you have a great attitude, conidering all you have been through.
I hope things go well for you getting back into the military.
Hang in there and I will dedicate a prayer to you and your family after I submit this post.
Take care of yourself.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
